I'm, uh -- I'm doing better.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I just turned 39, you know, which is --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not old.
It's not -- It's not old.
But I think we can all agree that I am running out of time.
Sure. Yeah.
I got about one year left on this fun little outfit.
And then I got to regroup.
I've got to become a businessman next year.
I've got to start talking like a 40-year-old.
I've got start staying 40-year-old words.
Like, "Terrific.
"This is bull."
"Absolute bull."
"This is a lease."
"You're not on the lease!"
[ Laughter ]
All of a sudden gonna wake up with a 14-year-old son
named Michael.
"Get your head out of your butt, Michael!
Quit loafing around and get a job!
You're up there playing your vidya games!"
[ Laughter ]
When I was 14, my dad hated I did not have a job.
He was always like, "Quit loafing around!
Get a job!"
I was like, "I'm 14! I think it's illegal."
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "You're going to print off some résumés."
I was like, "Print off some résumés?
What am I gonna put on the résumé? I've never had a job.
[ Light laughter ]
I kid you not, he made me print off résumés,
and all they said on them was,
"Raked Judith Hoye's leaves."
[ Laughter ]
I walked into businesses. I was like, "Here's my CV.
Give Judith Hoye a ring."
[ Laughter ]
I got fired from a lot of jobs growing up.
One job I got fired from when I was a teenager --
this is 100% true -- is I was a house painter.
I used to paint the outside of people's homes.
And how I got fired from that job is, long story short,
um...
I painted the wrong house.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, so, painted the wrong house,
and then I guess what happened was,
is the people who live there,
they left for work early in the morning,
you know, stupidly assuming no one's gonna paint their home.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
Yeah, and then we pulled in the driveway like one second later
and committed a crime for eight hours.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. In the sun.
And then our boss finally figured out where we were.
He was like, "Oh, my God! You painted the wrong house!"
And this is -- And then -- You know.
And this is how we solved the problem.
Now, pay close attention.
We packed everything up and drove away.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah.
And then we were fired on the way home.
That makes sense. We're morons.
But what that means, though, is I never got to find out
what happened to that family when they got home from work
and their house was a different color!
[ Laughter ]
And nobody had any answers.
When they started their day,
they owned a white house with gray trim.
And when they finished their day, their house was brown.
[ Laughter ]
Brown!
Now, sometimes people ask me --
They go, "But what shade of brown?"
And I'm like -- I don't know.
I like to describe it as a noticeable brown.
Uh, yeah, the kind of brown you're going to notice
your house is a completely different color
than when you started your day --
and wet.
Now, I don't know what that couple said to each other
when they got home. I have no idea.
But I'm pretty sure they did not say a single word.
Because how do you ask your spouse
if your house was always brown?
I don't know.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you very much.