Hi there where're you from? Oh cold this time of year...well nice to meet you.
conversations between people who are nervous are some of the most painful
things to watch because you could just feel the rapport breaking and feel their
insides shriveling up as they get more and more nervous and uncomfortable the
problem is when you're nervous your brain naturally won't allow you to think
as spontaneously as usual you won't be able to free flow and conversation like
you can with people you know the problem is when you're talking to other people
who are nervous as well it only compounds the problem I'm Barron Cruz
and this is the charisma matrix and today I'm going to talk to you about
some techniques to help in situations which you know you're going to be
nervous and or the other person is going to be nervous as well there's nothing
worse than when you get to a point in the conversation or you don't know what
else to say you know the other person doesn't have anything else to say and
there's that awkward pause and it's just the conversation dies the rapport
between you two dies usually the conversations going to end poorly and
you're going to think poorly of the other person who knows why it is who
knows if it's fair but that's the way it works like I touched on before though
you're going to be stifled when you're nervous you're not going to be able to
be as smooth as you typically are so a technique I'm going to talk about today
that's going to help you address this is called plowing so what you're going to
do you're going into a conversation let's assume to start that the other
person is going to be nervous as well maybe it's someone you're interested in
romantically that's typically situation where both people are nervous you need
to anticipate the low in conversation and most importantly you need not to
perceive their quietness and shyness as rudeness or disinterest but rather
they're just stifled the same way you are so you need to take the lead guide
them to comfort show them they can be comfortable around you by taking the
conversational lead and talking so what this means is you're going to have to do
a little plowing in the field so what plowing basically means is
talking a lot more than you normally would without feedback and contribution
from the other person so typically in a conversation the
person give ping check-ins yeah okay cool yeah I understand and then
oftentimes they'll pick up at the end of one of your sentences and contribute
something that is a commonality between you two you know I just got back from
playing from a why it was good oh cool did you go to the Big Island I was there
last month that type of back-and-forth but when someone's nervous they're not
going to be as readily they're not going to be as quick to jump on those threads
and to guide those threads to points that they can contribute to the
conversation so you're gonna plow you're just gonna keep talking and it's amazing
when you do the other person just opens up it's just like when you're at say a
public speech and you're in the crowd 30 minutes after the person speaking you
feel like you're friends with them yet if you go up to them afterwards he
doesn't know you from anyone else and it's kind of weird like I know you man
just because you've seen them speak well plowing embodies the same kind of the
same kind of situation body the same kind of technician technician the same
kind of situation that comes from that so you're going to give them a chance to
get comfortable with you so you're going to tell your story without any
contribution so say I'm going to let's say a networking event and it's about
internet marketing for instance so you talk to every day man are you
how long you been here I just been here for a couple hours got into town cool
man what kind of kind of internet market you into I do mostly pay-per-click oh
that's cool you know it's actually reading in a magazine that the organic
type of search and optimization is actually slowing down and companies are
kind of coming full circle back to pay-per-click you're seeing a lot of
startups in Canada that are focusing on this and even some companies that went
from pay-per-click to organic focus now coming back towards pay-per-click and
paid advertising okay so not very long not very in-depth I mean you could have
read a paragraph in a magazine and spit that spiel but it's going to give them a
time to get comfortable get their mind off the awkwardness of the new
interaction and on actually what they're good at and what they could potentially
talk about so he's at an internet marketing for him he knows about
pay-per-click so it's going to get him out of his head where he's embarrassed
and stifled and thinking about something that he knows then he's going to be able
to jump in and contribute so by plowing through that
awkwardness you're actually giving the person a time to get comfortable with
you and surprising as it seems just that little 3045 second spiel that
I gave they're going to feel rapport with you because you are able to get
through that awkwardness that 95% of the other people that they're going to meet
at that event aren't so let's look at way we can do this on a first date you
know you don't know as much about them let's say it's a blind date you're set
up but always said as though she works at one of the major four accounting
firms that's all you know you're gonna come in hey Shelly nice to meet you hey
nice to meet you too that was nice of so-and-so to set us up I'm excited this
place is actually really cool I came here a lot yeah I'm excited too okay now
there's that little what are you gonna say you got to have some plan you got to
know what you're going to go into unless you're spontaneous enough that you can
just talk about the environment which is something you can do some people have to
take a little get over the learning curve to be able to do that but just go
into a stupid spiel plow through about a county even if you don't know anything
so I'm going to say you know I heard you got out of one of the major four
accounting firms that's awesome I remember when I was in Chicago it seemed
like so many people who are going to school out there we're hoping to get
their chance with a big firm like that but I know how competitive it is I know
that some people look at going to management consulting firms as opposed
to strictly accounting firms but I feel like a county is really where people
want to be obviously people who study accounting specifically how did you
decide to do that okay so how much different does that feel then if I just
said hey I heard you got a job at one of the major four accounting firms how did
you decide to do that well she's still a deer in headlights she still doesn't
have any idea of the kind of interaction it is you have no rapport she's still
nervous but by getting that stupid spiel about management consulting firms also
in Chicago and everyone that you know goes to school there is interested in
getting a job at a major four it gets her out of her head once again and she's
able to relax and think about something other than the awkwardness of meeting
someone for a first date so I call this the conversational breakthrough point
and you'll know it you may have to plow two or three times but once they
contribute without being stifled so if I said that how did you decide to do that
and she says I always wanted to be an accountant well then you got to continue
plowing but when they you can see in their head they're opening up and being
free with their thoughts she says oh yeah it's funny actually a girl that I
studied with decided to go to management accounting around the management
consulting route well then you know you've broken through it and the plows
gotten through that tough soil and now you're in fertile grounds so try this
out go in with the plant if you really want to challenge yourself just spit
from the environment so you're at the restaurant so you know actually when I
came in here I saw they had an IPA I'm not a huge fan of beers and actually a
lot of times out here in California my friends give me a hard time about not
drinking the nice micro brews I stick to the coolers lights and whatnot but I was
excited to see that you know do you have experience with beer do you enjoy wine
just anything you can do you can pull it but understand there is going to be a
point where you're going to feel like you're talking an awful lot be ready for
that be ready to carry that plow be the person that's capable to carry that plow
most people aren't but that's going to give you the opportunity to create
rapport create relationships and have the person feel very comfortable with
you in a very short amount of time