hi my name is Lee Ellenberg I started at The Late Show in August of 94 as a CBS page and
then I worked in the ticket Department I was an assistant for two years and then I became
a writer in May of 2000.
so I was a fan of late night very early on one thing that stands out in my memory some
woman named Colleen Boyle she wrote a letter making fun of Dave because he was wearing
sneakers and so Dave took a camera crew to visit this woman when that camera approached
that woman there was genuine shock in her face hi
are you Colleen are you Colleen Boyle yes did you write this letter Colleen see what's
the deal with the sneakers I don't think Marvel Bryant would host their shows wearing high
tops Colleen
um he didn't go in my room we were in your room ask me a question about you you didn't
go in like and see mine this guy right here was sitting on your bed ooh change the sheets
the other thing that stands out were the Chris Elliott episodes he did a taste test well
those are cute doggies they are aren't they yeah are those yours no they're not those
are those are props
laughs [Applause]
Dave I think she's right I can't tell much difference
by the time the show went to CBS there were still a couple of pieces that aired that captured
the essence of the old show very well one was a piece that Dave did called the fun with
a car phone it's funny once I started working there I asked like how come I've never seen
that piece again and I was told that they could narrow it because it violated FCC regulations
yes ma'am I have a traffic report for you uh I'm I'm at between 75 and 76th on Columbus
I'm headed south and uh everything seems to be moving along okay
well I hear that on the radio everything seems to be okay I don't know I'm just driving through
now no we don't
[Applause]
know the guy right out front now eating watermelon [Applause] that's delicious yeah do you have
a fork okay no I haven't paid yet [Music] how much is this I haven't paid you are oh
[Music]
my other favorite remote was a piece done by Carter bays and Craig Thomas they started
writing pieces for Buzz Aldrin and then they had the idea to have Buzz Aldrin cover the
daytime Emmys in his astronaut suit there's no red carpet to the Moon you know it's a
grueling poor day ordeal wow are you excited to be here yeah I'm very excited are you I
was excited that time I walked on the moon sometimes astronauts have no choice but to
urinate in their spacesuits ew very soon after I got the job we were doing something called
rejected commercial characters and I thought this is it I could finally like all these
years I spent watching the show this was my moment it was a terrible joke the Keebler
Elf who Bears a striking resemblance to Randy Quaid the head writers told me later that
when they showed it to Dave Dave just looked at it and said why uh it wasn't bad there
was just no point to it you see uh so you won't be seeing the Keebler Elf who Bears
a striking resemblance to Randy Quaid
I had this idea we would bring in a psychic and a psychic would try to guess celebrity
phone numbers I believe she referred to herself as an intuitive the intuitive was so bad that
we wound up using her I think for the next 15 years and I think with the exception of
one time she never got a single thing right Pamela Anderson Pamela Anderson
thank you one one two eight [Music] three
1764.
[Music] yes my name is Dave Letterman I'm calling from New York City we're doing the
late show on CBS Have You Ever Seen The Late Show on CBS with Dave Letterman yes I have
ah I'd like to speak to Pamela Anderson please Pamela Anderson oh I'm sure she's at this
number when do you expect her this is Dale store Trucking in Idaho
and and how long has Pamela been driving for you
I was looking online and I found out that a man by the name of thorough ravencroft or
Ravenscroft I'm not sure and my apology to the ravencroft family or the Ravenscroft family
he was the voice of Tony the Tiger I remember a lot of people calling me as soon as the
piece aired just because they weren't quite sure how something like this made it to air
but I remember it because it was one of the first pieces I ever wrote that I thought this
could get me fired thorough Ravenscroft the Beloved voice of Tony the Tiger passed away
at the age of 91.
Memorial services will be held at the Saint Andrews Presbyterian Church in Orange County
and then Mr Ravenscroft will be buried in a great
[Applause] all right let's see is that all right to do
I don't know I guess that's all right I don't know I had this idea that we would have a
tube going from one of the coffee machines in the Starbucks down the street through the
theater to Dave's desk and I will tell you when I wrote this I thought there's no way
this is going to get picked because this is impossible all right go ahead turn on the
pump all right how long does it take to cross Broadway do you have any idea uh we're gonna
find out all right there he goes be careful there goes the coffee stand back so I'll keep
the cup right there can you see it look at that one day ladies and gentlemen everyone
in America you turn on the pump and away we go
big deal there it comes
now we're rolling I think how exciting it's going to be when it actually enters the building
[Applause] all right open the door here it comes
[Applause]
yeah it looks a little watered down and all that that's better
[Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is just as dumb a thing as we've ever done it's in
the theater ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music]
foreign
[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wow hey Brad hey Brad nice job it just arrived
oh I'm glad it's uh it's ice cold the people we tried the hardest to make laugh were Dave
and the other writers and there were a couple of times during the show where you could see
Dave's obvious enjoyment of a joke one that stands out in my memory was this is around
the time American Idol was popular but I just remember the joke kind of sneaking up on Dave
top 10 questions I asked myself before casting my American Idol vote number two why does
my phone smell like baked beans
that's for real so we did a segment on the show called Alan coulter's celebrity interview
I didn't create the bit but I think whoever did was gone after the first one so I took
it over so we actually got all these big celebrities to sit next to Alan I don't think when it
came to this segment they quite knew what was about to happen gonna get you some lip
balm uh why because your lips look a little chapped from kissing her ass for the past
10 minutes [Applause] you mark my words ass wait a minute
monkey with Mike again I'll punch your dentures down your throat you old [ __ ]
hey hey you foolish again sister you're out of the business there was one I didn't right
so Joe Grossman wrote this one it was Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman it was hilarious
what was funny was Dave I think watched it after the show and just said we can't air
this this is just too mean and it was the only one that never aired come on have some
dignity Letterman if I want to see Dustin Hoffman get jerked off by a senior citizen
I'll rent The Graduate
now Alan that's it's not that's not exactly what happened now it's exactly what happened
hey you got a pencil do you yeah I have a pencil right here what do you write this down
cocknob
you ganked my stash again I'll punch a wrinkle lip so far down your throat you'll be kissing
your own ass it's for you Fonzie you crossed me again I'll string you up by your tongue
and go Jake LaMotta on your junk yo yo I'm talking to you and you wished her I'll kick
your nuts so hard you won't have to tuck your sack to play Touch see
one day I had this idea for a piece which would be a parody of the Shawshank Redemption
we always made the show out to be this horrible place to work like that was one of our reference
points I thought that would be fun that Alan tries to make an escape for it Alan crawled
to Freedom threw 10 yards of crap smelling foulness I can't even imagine I just don't
want to foreign
[Music]
[Applause]
Dave's looking for you
Jeremy and I wrote this piece for Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts and they were going to play
kind of a Newlywed Game geography and I wrote a joke playing off this very famous answer
given on the real Newlywed Game how old is Tom with his tapes or without his tape
[Music] [Applause] 61 51.
sixth [Applause]
uh that was for a different question
is any of this really gonna get people to go see our movie
oh yeah oh yeah hopeless oh nobody does this show to get people to see their movies
the head writers at the time Eric and Justin stangle they had an idea they wanted to do
a remote at 4am they couldn't get it through or whatever so remembering that I pitched
what if we did a whole show at 4am one funny story about that Bob Borden never made it
back to the show who are you calling calling Bob because Bob's asleep you're supposed to
be here an hour and a half ago he never showed up who's this who's this who's this Bob yeah
Bob you asleep no you sure who's this are you here where are you
in the hotel yeah 130.
you there
now this is by far the funniest thing that had ever happened as far as the writers were
concerned Paul is making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he turns his head Dave runs
into the kitchen without him looking picks up the peanut butter shakes it runs out of
frame Paul opens the peanut butter and it explodes so the first time they do it Paul
opens the thing and you really don't get much at all they cranked it up all right so then
Paul opens it and like I he's expecting something maybe just five percent bigger this thing
exploded like the hydrogen bomb I am not exaggerating when I tell you for two hours we just kept
rewinding and playing that over and over and over
I need jelly
[Music]
all right [Applause] Carter and Craig wrote it Alan Coulter it was like what did you do
on Mother's Day and it was oh it was lovely I picked up Mom and first we went for a nice
dinner and it's getting creepier and then they're dancing on the thing and he starts
leaning in for a kiss [Applause] good God almighty [Music]