Did I do angry East Coast comics?
No, I don't think so.
It's New York or Boston.
I like the premise of a guy whose idea is predicated
on being angry and disappointed,
who becomes incredibly successful
but still has to conjure up anger.
(Conan laughs)
You know what drives me fuckin' nuts?
Fuckin' meter maids, you know,
driving a fuckin' golf cart around.
Pay my ticket, drives me nuts.
How you doin'?
I got, you know, I got property, you know,
I got some condos in Santa Monica.
I got a castle in Switzerland.
What's your net worth?
About 150 million,
but you know what drives me outta my fuckin' mind?
Convertibles. Put a fuckin' roof on the top.
(everyone laughs)
You drivin' around with no fuckin' roof.
Who do you think you are?
You know what drives me nuts?
Cyclone fences, like, get a fuckin' fence!
What do you got? Holes in the thing?
So you're saying you're worth about 150 million and you--
I got about 150 million lodge.
I just bought an apartment building on the West Side.
It's lookin' pretty good. It's gonna close about 40--
Would you say most of your dreams in life have come true?
Yeah. You know, I own a lot of property.
I'm pretty much set.
Wow. It sounds really great. I got a G five.
I fly in that.
I go to Europe directly. Sounds incredible.
And you're happily married, and you've got kids,
and everyone's healthy.
Everything's good.
So what's buggin' you these days?
What's drivin' me nuts?
You know what drives me outta my fuckin' mind,
What's that? ladies and gentlemen?
Tables.
(everyone laughs)
You can't, you can't hold a beverage?
You gotta put a fuckin' beverage
on a fuckin' table?
Hold your fuckin' drink!
Drives me outta my mind!
(Conan laughs)
Now I gotta go to, I gotta go to get my suit fit.
And I'm buying a $10,000 suit.
You know what drives me outta my fuckin' skull?
What's that? What's that?
Cotton candy.
(everyone laughs)
Is it a food product? Is it air?
What the fuckin' . . .
I love it. The more stuff that happens great for this guy.
Do you know what I mean?
Hey, guess what?
You just, uh, yeah.
Through some weird codicil in an old manuscript,
you now own most of Maui, we just realized.
And so it's been ceded to you.
It's now you, you now own all of Maui,
and you get to own it. And you can sell it if you want.
You're now the richest man
in the world. Yeah, I got an island.
But you know what drives me out of,
What's that? out of my mind.
Curly fries.
(everyone laughs)
Fuckin' have a straight fry!
What am I gonna do with a fuckin' circly fuckin' . . .
What do you do with a curly fry?
Give me a regular fuckin' fry. Drives me nuts!
I'm buyin' a yacht.
This is unprecedented.
I just got word, and no human has ever been told this
in the history of civilization,
but I've just been told
that there has been direct communication with God,
and you are going to heaven.
And you will enjoy heaven and the entire afterlife
for all eternity.
All of your dreams and wishes will come true,
and you'll see all your loved ones.
It's been verified.
You're going to heaven no matter what you do.
You know what drives me outta my fuckin' mind?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Spatulas.
(everyone laughs)
You can scrape it with a spoon or a regular knife!
A spatula is nothing!
It's a big old fuckin' knife!
And we call it a fuckin'--
Drives me outta my fuckin' mind!
That's great.
Now, pardon me.
That's great. I always feel in a weird way--
I'm swearin' a lot with this "fuck this."
No, no, no. That's okay.
Don't worry about it.
What is this, for Nick at Nites?
Take it easy.
That's very Tennessee. No, you know what?
You know what it is?
It's funny because the person that makes me think
about sometimes it's almost touching a little
on Seinfeld unintentionally.
But in the way everything has gone right
for him in every way possible.
Jerry is very wealthy.
But he's still, yeah, very wealthy
and beloved, and everything always goes his way,
but he still has to go, like, "You know, I got a problem."
You're like, 'You really don't.'
Yeah, that's true. It's more benign than this character,
but, yeah, he's still alike.
Yeah, no, he's not mad,
but it's just he's still gotta come up with stuff.
People are annoying.
Jerry, is there anything wrong?
Do you have any problems?
No.
Is anything said?
Yeah, but he's, uh, he and Leno.
Oh, sorry.
That's okay. Come on. What are we talkin' about?
It's been 11 years.
People would-- He passed away.
Has ways of covering. Rest his soul.
They haven't told him yet.
Just people with, like, you know,
Jerry was always kind of--
He's, like, maybe two years older than me,
but he was very much kind of in a superior position,
put it that way. Yes, yes.
Like a father figure, Yeah, yeah.
Or, you know, because Jerry was such a scientist
about doing standup.
And, you know, "Well you need more punch lines.
Check your setup," you know, he would advise you.
I don't know what character this is.
I, I blew my voice out on the other guy.
You know what drives me fuckin' nuts?
Doin' a fuckin' podcast.
The guy set you up for half hour.
Your vocal chords are shredded.
You got another 45 minutes.
Whenever I think about Jerry,
it just always goes back to, "Who are these people?"
I always go to that for some reason.
I'm not saying that's a good Jerry Seinfeld,
'cause it isn't, but I just was like,
"Who are these people," you know,
"Who are making these sneakers?"
I went for the--I don't know if I did this
on our deep dive, but I do like doin' it
'cause it's such, such a non sequitur,
Jerry Seinfeld as a serial killer?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I'm gonna take out your pancreas and cut around here.
Then we're gonna go right in there.
You know that other rhythm he does?
Like I think I'm the guy to be present.
I think I can cut out this.
We'll take your kidneys. Go like that.
That's that, that other rhythm 'cause it's like,
"Who are these people?" is up here,
and then it's the guy who goes down here.
I think I could do this.
That's the one layer that I think Jimmy Fallon should do
'cause he does an incredible--
Yeah, he does a great one.
(Dana garbles)