WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
WE TAPE THIS SHOW EARLIER IN THE DAY, AND I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
SHORTLY BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE TONIGHT, WE LEARNED OF THE
UNSPEAKABLE SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS TODAY.
AND WHILE WE CAN ADD OUR PRAYERS FOR THE DEAD...
THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN EVER BE SAID THAT CAN APPROACH THE
IMMEASURABLE GRIEF OF THOSE FAMILIES.
BUT WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S PRAY THAT THIS TIME OUR LEADERS
SHOW A MODICUM OF COURAGE IN TRYING TO PREVENT THIS FROM EVER
HAPPENING AGAIN.
BUT PRAYERS WON'T END THIS.
VOTING MIGHT.
SO, WHEN YOU VOTE, ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION: WHO,
RUNNING FOR OFFICE, HAS PUBLICLY STATED THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO
DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO PROTECT YOUR
CHILDREN FROM THE CRIMINALLY INSANE NUMBER OF GUNS IN
AMERICA.
AND I WILL TELL YOU--
50EU8 TELL YOU WHO DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THE NEW ZEALANDERS.
AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER JACINDA
ARDERN, AND I WILL ASK HER HOW THEY ACHIEVED THAT AND WHAT THE
RESULTS HAVE BEEN.
AND THE THING IS, THIS YEAR, YOUR VOTE IS NOT A THEORY,
BECAUSE WE ARE JUST A FEW MONTHS AWAY FROM THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS.
AND TONIGHT, THERE ARE PRIMARIES IN FIVE STATES, BUT THE RACE
EVERYONE'S WATCHING IS THE GEORGIA G.O.P GUBERNATORIAL
PRIMARY BETWEEN SITTING GOVERNOR AND SMILE SCHOOL DROPOUT,
BRIAN KEMP, AND FORMER SENATOR AND EMPEROR PALE-PATINE,
DAVID PERDUE.
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT THESE TWO DINGUSES, OR "DINGII?"
WELL, THIS RACE IS ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S NOT ON THE
BALLOT, BECAUSE PERDUE HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY FORMER PRESIDENT
OTTO VON SKIDMARK.
HE'S-- HE'S, THE REASON HE BACKING PERDUE IS
BECAUSE HE'S STILL MAD THAT GOVERNOR KEMP WOULDN'T STEAL
GEORGIA'S VOTES FOR HIM IN 2020.
BUT KEMP'S GOT AN ACE UP HIS SLEEVE: THE ENDORSEMENT OF
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE WONDERING WHAT
THE BLUE LIQUID IN THE WOMEN'S NAPKIN COMMERCIALS COULD
POSSIBLY BE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY JUST-- WHY DO THE WOMEN FILL THEIR POWERADE SO MUCH?
THIS IS WHY THEY CAN'T BE IN SPORTS.
THAT'S RIGHT!
THE FORMER PREZ VERSUS THE FORMER VEEP!
THE THRILLA IN VANILLA!
TANG VERSUS MAYO!
IN A KNOCK-DOWN BRAWL FOR GEORGIA THAT ANALYSTS ARE
CALLING "A PROXY WAR."
AND IN THIS BATTLE, THERE'S VERY FINE PEOPLE ON NEITHER SIDE.
THERE HASN'T BEEN--
THE THRILLA!
THERE HASN'T BEEN A SHOWDOWN LIKE THIS BETWEEN A PRESIDENT
AND HIS VEEP SINCE WALTER MONDALE CAME AFTER JIMMY CARTER
WITH HIS DISS TRACK: "WHY DON'T YOU FARM DEEZ NUTS?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PENCE HAS JOINED KEMP ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, SAYING, "I WAS
FOR BRIAN KEMP BEFORE IT WAS COOL."
SO... NOW?
BECAUSE IT'S STILL NOT COOL.
( APPLAUSE )
PENCE IS OPPOSING HIS OLD BOSS, AND SOME SEE THIS SPLIT AS THE
SEEDS OF A 2024 PENCE PRESIDENTIAL RUN, AS THE
INCREASINGLY EMBOLDENED PENCE SEEKS TO REINTRODUCE HIMSELF TO
REPUBLICAN VOTERS.
YEAH.
HE'S TRYING TO CHANGE THE MAGA MESSAGE TO "HANG WITH MIKE
PENCE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT LOOKS LIKE-- IT LOOKS LIKE-- SLIGHT CHANGE.
IT LOOKS LIKE PENCE MIGHT WIN, TONIGHT, BECAUSE GOING INTO THE
VOTE, HIS GUY, KEMP, WAS UP BY MORE THAN 30 POINTS, WHICH MEANS
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S GUY, PERDUE, IS STARING DOWN AN EPIC DEFEAT.
AND THAT DEFEAT--
YEAH.
YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW THAT KEFEET IS GOING TO HURT THE EX-PREZ.
IT'S ALSO GONNA HURT WHEN HE FINDS OUT THIS PERDUE ISN'T THE
ONE THAT MAKES CHICKEN FINGERS.
THAT'S-- THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEWS ABOUT
THE FORMER POTUS.
WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT ANOTHER ONE OF HIS CRAZY OBSESSIONS,
THANKS TO FORMER PRESIDENTIAL ATTORNEY AND CLINICALLY
DEPRESSED BASSETT HOUND, MICHAEL COHEN.
IN A RECENT DEPOSITION, COHEN REVEALED THAT, WHILE ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL, ONE OF HIS BOSS'S GREATEST ANXIETIES WAS
GETTING PIED IN THE FACE.
I ASSUME, LIKE, A BANANA CREAM PIE, BECAUSE HE CLEARLY WAS
ALREADY USING A PUMPKIN MEAT BRONZER.
COHEN CLAIMS IN HIS-- IS IT A DEPOSITION?
IT'S IN A DEPOSITION.
IN HIS DEPOSITION, COHEN CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT DEVELOPED THE FEAR AFTER BECOMING OBSESSED OVER
THE WAY BILL GATES ONCE GOT ATTACKED WITH A PIE TO THE FACE.
MAN, EPSTEIN'S PLANE WAS CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER )
COHEN, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FEAR WAS CONSTANT:
"IT WASN'T JUST ONE TIME.
IT WAS AN ONGOING AND REGULAR THING.
AS HE WOULD GO OUT TO VARIOUS DIFFERENT OPEN VENUES, HE NEVER
WOULD TURN AROUND AND SAY, "IF ANYONE THROWS A ROCK OR A
BOTTLE...
IT'S ALWAYS A PIE.
HE ALWAYS BROUGHT UP THAT PIE THING."
EVIDENTLY, ALL OF THIS MAN'S FEARS ARE FROM CARTOONS
( LAUGHTER )
BANNED HUGE MALLETS, PIANOS FALLING FROM THE SKY AND GIANT
ANVILS THAT SAY "ACME" ON THE SIDE.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS SO AFRAID OF BEING PIED, HE
REPORTEDLY INSTRUCTED HIS SECURITY TO SEVERELY BEAT UP
ANYONE WHO TRIED TO GET HIM.
OF COURSE, HE WOULD'VE FOUGHT OFF ANY PASTRY ATTACKERS
HIMSELF, IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIS SCONE SPURS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JOE.
THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
ON THE INTERNATIONAL FRONT THERE'S A HOT NEW VIRUS SWEEPING
THE GLOBE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN OUR UNFORTUNATELY
RECURRING SEGMENT: MONKEYPOX."
YOU MONKEYPOX!
DAMN YOU!
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW-- RIGHT NOW--
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, SURE.
RIGHT NOW, MONKEYPOX IS RACING THROUGH EUROPE, HOPEFULLY ON A
LITTLE UNICYCLE.
HERE IN AMERICA, THE CASE COUNT REMAINS PRETTY LOW, BUT THERE
ARE CURRENTLY OVER 200 PEOPLE BEING MONITORED FOR MONKEYPOX IN
MASSACHUSETTS.
THEY'RE EXHIBITING SIGNS OF SHRIEKING, REDDENED FACES, AND
VIOLENT BEHAVIOR, SO THEY COULD JUST BE RED SOX FANS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S TOUGH-- 200?
DID I READ THAT RIGHT?
200?
IT'S TOUGH FOR DOCTORS TO BE SURE IF THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE
GENUINE MONKEY ARTICLE, BECAUSE THE ILLNESS COULD BE CLINICALLY
CONFUSED WITH A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION, LIKE
SYPHILIS OR HERPES.
SO IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING ANY SYMPTOMS, PLEASE GO TO YOUR
DOCTOR, GET TESTED, AND HOPEFULLY, GET THE DIAGNOSIS
EVERY PATIENT WANTS TO HEAR: "GOOD NEWS!
YOU HAVE SYPHILIS!"
( APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO DOCTORS, YOU CAN STAY SAFE AS LONG AS YOU AVOID
CLOSE CONTACT WITH SICK PEOPLE, INCLUDING THOSE WITH SKIN
LESIONS OR GENITAL LESIONS, AS WELL AS CONTACT WITH DEAD OR
LIVE WILD ANIMALS.
GREAT.
THERE GOES MY NEW BUSINESS: "DEAD OR LIVE ANIMAL PETTING
ZOO."
"HAVE GENITAL LESIONS?
GET IN FREE!" HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE SO
CONCERNED THAT THE U.S. IS IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING A
MONKEYPOX VACCINE FROM OUR NATIONAL STOCKPILE.
I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME WE HAVE A NATIONAL
STOCKPILE OF JUST RANDO VACCINES LYING AROUND?
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY AT THE HEIGHT OF BIEBER FEVER!
I STILL HAVE THE YUMMY YUMS.
THANKFULLY, THE AMERICAN PUBLIC KNOWS WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF A
VIRAL OUTBREAK: MAKE UP A BUNCH OF CRAZY NEW CONSPIRACIES.
AND THERE IS A DOOZY, COURTESY OF GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN HERE HALFWAY THROUGH
TRANSFORMING INTO A HOWLER MONKEY.
( APPLAUSE )
GREENE INTERVIEWED HERSELF ON FACEBOOK TO SPREAD THIS:
>> BILL GATES IS VERY CONCERNED ABOUT MONKEYPOX, BECAUSE THIS IS
SOMETHING, APPARENTLY, HE CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY OFF OF AND
HIM AND HIS OTHER BUDDIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
AFTER YEARS OF WASTING HIS TIME MAKING BILLIONS ON COMPUTER
SFTWARE, HE'S GETTING INTO THE REAL DO YOU.
JUST LOOK AT HIS NEW FINANCE DIRECTOR.
IT'S LIKE WHAT DEEP THROAT ALWAYS SAID ABOUT WATERGATE:
FOLLOW THE MONKEY.
AND IT'S NOT JUST AMERICANS.
ONE PROMINENT CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER HAS SPREAD
RUMORS THAT THERE'S A SECRET PLAN BY THE U.S. TO LEAK
BIOENGINEERED MONKEYPOX VIRUS.
THAT IS INSANE.
YOU REALLY THINK THE U.S. IS CURRENTLY CAPABLE OF HAVING
PLANS?
WE CAN'T EVEN PLAN HAVING ENOUGH BABY FORMULA!
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT IF WE MILK THE MONKEYS!
MONKEY FORMULA!
OH, THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT SPACE-X FOUNDER AND PHANTOM OF
THE OPERA WHO FOUND THE OTHER HALF OF HIS MASK, ELON MUSK.
IT RECENTLY CAME TO LIGHT THAT MUSK WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT IN 2016 BY A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ONE OF HIS PRIVATE
JETS.
THE WOMAN ALLEGED SHE WAS GIVING HIM A MASSAGE WHEN HE
SHOWED HER HIS ERECT PENIS, ASKED HER TO PERFORM A SEX ACT,
AND OFFERED TO BUY HER A HORSE.
TO WHICH SHE REPLIED "NAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING )
NOW, MUSK HAS DENIED THE ALLEGATIONS, TWEETING, "ASTUTE
OBSERVERS OF MY PLANE--- AND THERE ARE MANY-- WILL NOTE THAT
I DON'T USE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
MOREOVER, ONLY FRUIT AND NUTS ARE STOCKED ON THE PLANE."
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ELON!
PUT AWAY YOUR NUTS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO MUSK IS CLEAR: THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HE PAID THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT A $250,000
SETTLEMENT.
SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE DID CLEARLY WRITE ON THE CHECK MEMO
LINE, "NOT HUSH MONEY.
P.S.: LET ME KNOW ABOUT THAT HORSE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪