Sometimes, we just react to things and it's not necessarily helpful. Today at
Live On Purpose TV, how not to react when your child is gay.
In an earlier video, I
introduced you to Becky Mackintosh, a good friend of mine, you can link to that
video right up here where we talked about some similar topics.
Becky is a speaker and she's an author and she has reasons to know how not to
talk to your child who just came out of the closet.
Becky, you shared a little bit of your story in that previous video where your
24 year old son revealed to you that he was gay. This was after months,
probably years, of his own thinking about this and trying to deal with it all by
himself and agonizing over, how am I going to bring mom and dad in the loop
if ever and he may have thought at times, no, I'm taking this to my grave, there's
no way I could ever tell my parents. There's some helpful ways to react and
there's some less helpful ways to react, right? So what have you learned about
that? What can you in inform us about? I made a lot of mistakes.
Oh good, so then we don't have to make the same mistake.
When he came out to me, he said, "Mom, you're the first person
I've talked to you about this." First, you know, my words were "I love you" but then..
And you never regret that? I never regretted that but then I added
"but" and that's what we need done doing is having but's
I love you but what
are we gonna do to fix this? And one of the things I said which now we laugh
about, I said a lot of hurtful and funny things that weren't meant to be hurtful
or funny. No, you're just reacting as a mom who has
no experience with this. Exactly, but all of a sudden, mine became an expert of
what I thought. Yeah, did you know what to do?
Exactly, I haven't researched, I haven't never talked about this but for some
reason I knew and one of the things that I said that was, you know.. I have to do,
can I just interrupt you long enough to say it, this is funny. Funny because we all
do this. Somehow we have this destructive pride, that's what I call it that kicks
into our mind and somehow we know exactly what needs to happen next and
we're willing to share that advice with anyone who doesn't want to hear it.
Yeah, well this was how ignorant I was. I said,
"Well, let's get you into the doctor and get you on some testosterone, your
testosterone levels must be out of whack and that's why you don't like girls so
let's get those leveled out." And he said, "Mom, it is not testosterone."
You know, I had so much to learn about this.. When you were grasping.
I was and my world had been shaken.
Another thing is, I thought this and I also hear this a lot from parents as wondering
well, they're taking the blame, like.. The parents taking
the blame of, I must have caused this. Like, what did I say or not say? What did
I do or not do that created this? What did we do wrong? What could of what I
should have done this or that? Wow. And there is no one to blame. It's not a
blame thing. It's not, no.
How long did it take you to realize that?
It took some time. But it's a natural
place for the mind to go. It's just a natural place,the blaming, the grieving, yes. So parents, as
you notice this in your own thinking, you're not alone, this is something that
comes up very frequently with this kind of a reveal and it's not that kind of a
thing. There is no one to blame so I think we set that aside, right? I mean,
let's stop looking for whose fault is this or who's to blame? That doesn't help,
it doesn't get us anywhere. It put me on a quest to understand
and where I learned the most was actually listening to my son like when
he talked to me about this, listening to him but I also was very
helpful in reaching out to other parents that I knew who was on this same journey
that had found peace and learning from them and reading books or
whatever resources that I could find and some are good and some were not so good
but.. Well you're creating some yourself about your experience and resources
to help. Parents want to share what they've
learned and there's a whole community out there of people who have
already been through this and like you were saying Becky, already tried some
stuff, some of which didn't work very well so we can avoid some of those
pitfalls and what not to say.
In fact, our family, we have video what's called The Mackintosh's story and it shows the
real pain and the struggles that my husband and I went through and the
patience of our son and the dialogue that we had within with each
other to be able to work through that and actually come to a place of peace
and love and support within our family. We have a large family, we have seven
children, twelve grandchildren. Wow. So Becky, we're going to get past
the blame, we're going to monitor our own response as a parent and realize
that we're reacting in ways that are probably natural not always helpful,
we're going to connect with other parents. Another thing that you and I
have talked about before is to drop the why. You know, this question, why is
this happening? What's been your experience with that? Drop the why.
Drop stopping to try to figure out the cause or the cure you know.
There is none. You know what, this
has been a big issue and not just for families but for our
society, for different cultures throughout the world they want to figure
out why does this happen and you'll hear these arguments all the
time, well it's nature, it's nurture, it's learning, it's choice, it's whatever
and there's a lot of theories out there. There's a reason why there's so many
theories and what it comes down to is.. We don't know. We don't. There's
factors that we can understand and address and look at but the bottom line,
folks, we really don't know so asking why is this happening is probably not the
most the most helpful question.
The most helpful question is, how can I best help you? How can I be the
best parent? And focusing parent on the now and your future together, that you want to
have a close relationship. So focusing on the reality that this is real, this is
happening. Not bury it and sweep it under the rug and not talk about it. Pretend
like it'll go away. Exactly, but to accept the reality and then seek to how can we
move forward and be the best family and have the best relationship that we can
have together? Which has nothing to do with your child being gay. Exactly.
Really, I mean, it could be anything, right? I love that focus, Becky. Where we're
going back to how do we build from here? Where can we go from here? Given the
context and what it is, let's see what we can do with this. Right. Wow, there's no
room for lecturing, preaching, shaming, blaming, those serve no productive
purpose whatsoever. I was going to say those don't get us anywhere but they
actually do get us somewhere.. Probably not where you want to go to. No, it adds to
depression, anxiety, substance abuse, alcohol abuse, unhealthy behavior. Well,
even suicide attempts. Yes, I thought about that the same moment
that you did because this has become almost an epidemic. In fact, in the state
where we live, it's now become like the fifth leading cause of death and I think
it's first for for teens and young adults.
Absolutely, and that's one suicide death is too much. Oh yeah, so the unproductive way to respond,
it's not helpful, it leads to, could potentially lead to a terrible outcome.
Right. So why would our approach to it as a parent lead someone into a dark place
like suicidal thinking for example? You know, Becky, I was just thinking from
a psychological standpoint, these kids of ours have already grappled with this.
Take for example, like your family, I know that your family has some very
traditional more conservative religious beliefs and that's not bad, that's not
something.. you shouldn't just erase or delete your beliefs but the tendency
sometimes is to jump back into the preaching mode or the like you were
pointing out earlier, you become the expert and so you're going to give them
the prescription for how they can fix this, right? Somehow, you have all this
brilliance just occur to you and the effect that that has is one of putting
them in a position where I'm not accepted, there's something wrong with me
and I'm going to have to fix it which I've already tried to do for a dozen
years and it hasn't worked so I'm in a hopeless position. The number one
prediction or predictor for suicide is hopelessness and so going back to
something that they've already thought through, sometimes for years, reinforces
that feeling of hopelessness, like well, there's nothing I could ever do to fit
in to be accepted to fix this and therefore, I'm in a hopeless position and
so the psychology behind that leads to the hopelessness. Have you seen this with
families that you've worked with? Absolutely and my son, when I preached and lectured and
gave him all the reasons to not act upon his same sex attraction,
he's like, "Mom, that's not helpful. That makes me want to just
take my life. If I have to just endure this life and it's going to be better
when I leave this life then why would I want to stay here?" Let me out now. Let me
out now. When they don't see, like you said, the hope or a bright future
then what do they have to live for? Yes, so Becky, as we're talking about other
strategies that we might want to use and others that we can avoid, when this first
comes up for a parent, it's usually brand new, it's usually a shock, it's usually
something that you never wanted to hear right from your child so we have all
of these precursors that set us up for negative kinds of reactions and we've
already built up some expectations and predictions of what our child's life is
supposed to be like, you know, how we would script it if we were in charge and
we're not, by the way, but so everything has changed.
You have shared with me before that it's not helpful to make assumptions about
what's going to happen now because the fact that they've told you that they're
gay does not mean that it's going to play out the way you think it will in
your own mind so what would you suggest to us as parents? Yeah, I think it is
helpful to ask them, your child, so what are your plans? How do you envision your
future? Becky, you've said this a couple of times now, ask them.
Get out of your
own prideful way as a parent and just connect with your child on this because
they've been doing some thinking, they might respond with, well, I don't know
what I'm gonna do. What if we were to respond with, well sweetie, you're
really bright and I know with the right kind of support and love, you'll come up
with something. So you don't have to jump in and fix it as parent, love them and
support them, get away from the assumptions that are driving your own
thinking. It's important to assure them that they have
a bright future ahead of them they have gifts and talents that they will bless
the lives of others and to give them that that hope that they can live a very
fulfilling bright life and none of us know exactly what is ahead of us yes
Becky that I think the hope you're helping to create is that you're an
example for us as parents of, yes, you can hear this from your child. Yes, this can
be part of your greater package and you can still experience joy in that bright
future that we're talking about because it's not just for our kids, it's for us
too and that I think is the hope that you're bringing to this
conversation. You as a parent might be despairing and thinking, oh no, this is
ruining everything. Let's put that aside long enough to see that you know what,
you not only can handle this but you have the potential for a very bright
future as well. Becky, can you even imagine, you know, if you were to rewind
to before all this happened? Could you even imagine the people that you've met
and the places you've been and the experiences you've had and all that
you've learned.
I would never go back to a new place, our journey, no.
My son, having an LGBTQ child has helped me
learn and grow in ways that I never thought possible and I've met some
incredible incredible people that I wouldn't have never met in any other way.
Thank you for being such a conscious parent, you probably know someone else
who needs this video and you know what to do.