Quite a while ago we used to do a recurring segment
called "Big Dick History" and it's time
to bring it back out of the vault.
Yes, I forget how we started talking about this
because I am a real history buff.
I love reading about history,
and then it somehow got perverted by you freaks
into this segment called "Big Dick History"
which is something I never signed on for.
(Matt laughing) But I feel
like I've completely lost control of this podcast.
[Sona] Mm-hmm. (Matt laughing)
And so if the fans wish it, I will do as I'm asked.
Okay, well, it's gonna come down to this.
Another quiz for you two,
and this is called "Big Dick History: The Ideal Wang" okay?
(Sona gasps)
This is just awful. I am so excited.
This is not the kind of podcast I wanted to do.
It's not the kind of humor I like to delve into,
but when Captain Gourley is at the helm,
this is what I must submit to.
All right, go ahead. I'm sorry,
I want to just add, I think it's important to note
that I did win the first one.
[Matt] Oh, okay.
Because you cheated on a question about a male porn star
so I am the reigning champion. That's right, yeah, okay.
Of the Big Dick History quizzes and-
I don't recall because I care about the world we live in
and real issues. Okay, well, you cheated
and you lost. Okay, in this corner
is the champion, Sona Movsesian.
And in this corner, the contender, Conan O'Brien.
Contender. This is big.
So this is the ideal wang throughout history.
What I'm gonna do is name an era of ancient history
and give you three options
into what was the most popular type of todger, okay?
This comes from bustle.com. What, todger?
Is that a real name for a- Sure.
Look, I'm running out of synonyms for willy, okay?
I call it the old William Carlos Williams.
(Sona laughing) Okay, so what type
of William Carlos Williams was the most popular kind
of John Thomas from that era, does that make sense?
Are we talking like, how big it is,
how it angles itself?
No, no, just the name for it.
No, no, no, sorry, it is that.
It is a description.
It will be three different physical descriptions.
And remember, because this is an audio podcast,
to answer you have to yell out your name.
[Sona] Okay. [Conan] Okay.
You have to remember that 'cause you never remember that.
You just start talking. [Matt] That's your buzzer.
Okay, all right. Okay?
I often yell out my own name (chuckles) during sex.
[Sona] (laughs) What?
It's an old bit, go ahead.
[Matt] Good, you're keeping this podcast not blue.
That's the narcissist
who yells out his own name during sex.
Okay. [Conan] Come on, it's fun.
Okay, so remember, I'm gonna read three.
You can buzz in with your name at any time,
but once you do that- Conan!
So you're gonna give us descriptions of-
Oh God, this is like watching paint dry
listening to you, "Excuse me,
let me just make sure I understand the rules."
You're such a Tracy Flick right now.
Just let it go. We have to guess the era.
No, I will tell you the era. No, he'll tell us the era.
[Matt] And I will give you three options.
[Sona] Oh, okay, okay, okay.
What's the most positive description.
Okay. Yeah,
it's what was the most en vogue type of schlong.
[Sona] I didn't know it changed.
This is just, I mean, I love any game show
where describing how to play it takes 45 minutes
is a failed game show, you know?
(Sona and Matt laughing) On "Wheel of Fortune"
Pat Sajak isn't out there for 40 minutes saying,
"So I'll spin the wheel and when it ends on that
then that's what you do, you see.
And then you'll see the letters."
I have a question, Pat.
That's my Pat Sajak impression.
All right, here we go. [Sona] Oh, God.
Here we go, ancient Egypt, and here are the three types.
Name which one was the most type of popular penis.
Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin.
Conan! Conan.
The middle one. I'll read them again.
Curvy and girthy, clean and circumcised, tall and thin.
Conan! Yes.
The first one. What the, what the what?
[Matt] Jesus Christ. What?
[Matt] Which one is it? The curvy and girthy.
Curvy and girthy is incorrect.
Sona, you get to have a guess.
You have two remaining choices.
You know what?
I'm gonna guess clean and circumcised.
[Matt] That's correct.
'Cause that's the one he originally guessed,
and to know that I can get the answer right
by guessing what you originally guessed makes me feel
like I've already won. [Matt] It's a sweet victory.
They were circumcising in ancient Egypt?
They sure were, yeah.
What did they use, the tip of a pyramid?
How did they do that?
They'd have to haul a baby up to the top of a pyramid,
put its John Dewey down there and then hit it with a rock?
This is known from a surviving manuscript
called the Turin Erotic Papyrus.
Yeah, basically more proof
that pornography has always been with us.
Okay, number two, ancient Greece and Rome.
And your options are, stubby and soft,
long and lean, or small and uncut.
Conan! Conan.
Long and lean. Sorry, that's incorrect.
Sona. I'm gonna say stubby
just 'cause when I think of Greek men
I think of lots of hair so the first one.
What's stubby got to do with hair?
Wait, oh, stubby, I thought- Oh, you mean stubbly
like they shaved it like a beard? (laughs)
Stubbly like a, yeah, I thought you meant hairy, oh man.
I'm sorry, neither of you are correct.
Oh no! It's small and uncut.
If you think of your great Grecian art
you see that reflected quite a bit.
You think those are small? (Sona and Matt laughing)
I always walk out of museums going, "Jesus!"
(Matt laughing)
That baby statue was hung. Oh my God! (laughs)
(Matt laughing)
That angel was packing serious heat!
(Sona and Matt laughing)
My wife is always crying as we walk out of the museum.
Please be quiet.
Okay, it is one point Sona, zero points Conan.
We are on to number three out of five.
I'm kind of proud that I'm losing,
I have to tell you. Zero points Conan.
No, you're not.
You hate this so much, you hate losing.
Ancient India. Hmm, my specialty.
Just the tip, all are welcome,
and tapered like a wizard's wand.
Sona. Yeah.
Tapered like a wizard's wand.
I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Shoot.
Conan, your remaining options are just the tip
and all are welcome.
Well, I'm gonna go with number two, all are welcome.
Correct, we are tied up here
(Sona groans) on the ideal wang quiz.
Wow, let me tell you something about,
this comes from the Kama Sutra
and that male sizes of genitals were named
for small, medium, and large.
And they were the hare, the bull, and the horse.
The female genital sizes were named deer, mare, and elephant
which is weird 'cause mare is the medium
and male is the horse.
That's the large, they don't line up,
but that's what it is, yeah. Oh, wow.
I just heard our shot at a Peabody disappear.
(Sona laughing)
Well, we're gonna get a peepee body.
Weeks ago talking to President Obama doing my best.
I've talked to historians.
I've really tried to elevate us
and then you come along riding your (laughs)
flying wang into the picture (Sona and Matt laughing)
and you lower the conversational tone.
So anyway, happy. Thank you.
Okay, number four, Edo period Japan.
Huh.
Number one, huge, uncircumcised, and veiny.
Number two, delicate, dainty, and shrouded in silk
or three, sharp like a samurai sword.
Sona. Conan.
Sona, I believe. The second one.
The one shrouded in silk. I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Shoot.
Conan, your options are huge uncircumcised and veiny
or sharp like a samurai sword.
It would be number three, sharp like a samurai sword.
That is incorrect. See, that's too obvious.
It's huge, uncircumcised, and veiny.
And this is our last question
so this is for all the marbles, as it were.
All the testicles, okay?
Oh, you're just, this is a side of you that
(Sona laughing) you shouldn't be proud of.
This is not- Oh, I'm not proud.
This is just the lowest. I'm not proud.
Okay, ready?
Henry the Eight's England. Okay.
Off with its head which means circumcised.
Prim and proper or all about the bulge.
Sona. Conan.
Sona has the first guess.
[Conan] No, we both said it at the same time
and you can listen on audio. I am listening on audio.
She said it first. You know what?
I'll let you have it, I'll let you have it, go.
Whoa, that's actually a smart choice.
Yeah.
You're doing the Monty Hall paradox.
Prim and proper, number two. That's incorrect.
(Conan screams) Sona, you can take it all.
That's what I was gonna guess, too.
Wait, can you tell me the other two?
Okay, off with his head meaning circumcised
or all about the bulge.
All about the bulge.
That's right, Sona keeps her championship streak!
Oh my God, nothing makes me happier in life
than beating you at things.
I can't even tell you how good this feels.
And everything that I've ever done in my life
pales in comparison to when I beat you at something.
It just feels so fantastic.
Nope, you know your way around a penis.
(Sona and Matt laughing) Congratulations.
Congratulations.