Hi. In this video, we're going to talk about why he won't commit to you
and what it actually means.
[MUSIC]
Hi, there. Mat Shaffer here,
your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I am a former attorney who's committed to using his powers for good
in supporting women around the world
in creating these fulfilling, dynamic relationships
that they are so worthy of.
I'm really excited to talk to you about this question,
why won't he commit?
Why has he got cold feet?
Why is he doing one of a hundred different things?
These are questions I get asked all the time by my clients, by my students,
and so I'm really looking forward to digging into this with you.
Before I do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click the link in the comments and caption.
I've created a great training, some great stuff for you that I know
is really going to make a difference in your connections and relationships with men.
It's the timeless question, why won't he commit?
That question can look like a lot of different ways.
What are all the different ways that a man refuses to commit or just won't commit?
It can look like ghosting, where you think things are going well,
maybe it's been a handful of dates or one good date,
or maybe you've been dating a guy for a while,
then all of a sudden [POOF] he's gone.
He's not responding to texts, he's not responding to calls,
emails, carrier pigeons, nothing.
He's out of there with no explanation.
I know it's frustrating.
Then there's the other form of not committing, breadcrumbing.
Breadcrumbing is a man who will not give you the time or attention that you want,
but he gives you little breadcrumbs.
He'll go away for a little while, maybe he'll ghost for a little while,
and then he'll check back in by liking a post of yours on social media
or shooting you one of those, "Hey, what up?" 2:00 AM texts or something.
Some booty call texts, basically, he's not present,
but he's throwing you out just a trail of crumbs
and trying to just get you to keep paying attention to him.
It's ridiculous.
Or maybe you found yourself in a situationship.
I love that term.
In a situationship, you want to be in a relationship.
That's what you're striving for,
but you've got a guy who doesn't want to talk about labels,
he doesn't want to talk about commitments.
Any time you try to bring it up, he says, "Let's not try to define this.
I'm really enjoying just getting to know you."
He's just deflecting the whole prospect or aspect
of being in a committed relationship with you.
Instead of being in a monogamous relationship,
you find yourself in a situationship, where you're basically dating the guy,
but you don't have any title or definition on what it is.
The last category of non-committal relationships
that women find themselves in so often,
is what I call a local long-distance relationship.
It's when you're in a relationship with a guy or you're dating a guy
and he doesn't live far away from you,
but it feels like a long-distance relationship
because he won't pick up the phone, he won't talk to you, he's always busy,
and his opportunities to connect with you are very limited and very small.
It feels almost like you're in a long-distance relationship
because you never see him.
These are four types of non-committal situations and experiences
that women find themselves in time and time and time again.
They ask me, "Why won't he commit?"
I'm going to share with you why and what it means.
Let's start off with some assumptions right upfront,
one of which is that you are deeply aware of your worth and of your value
and of the kind of relationship that you want.
You get to have clarity around who you are
and the type of connection and relationship that you want to have with a man
in order to be able to express that to him.
That's the second assumption that in the way that you showed up,
that you have demonstrated your value to him
because we get to show up in relationship and in dating.
From the very first date,
we get to show up in ownership of our power and our value
and what it is that we want to create, the kind of connection that we want with him.
Then, the third assumption that I'm making about you
is that you have set positive boundaries with him.
In a loving, feminine way, he understands who you are.
You've owned your frame with him around your personal preferences,
around your value, around your opinions,
and that he understands what he needs to do to make you happy.
You've laid those positive, constructive boundaries with him.
If any of those three things aren't there,
if you're not clear about what you want and what your value is,
and you haven't discussed and described that to him,
and you haven't showed up in ownership of your worth
and express to him what it is that you want,
either through the way that you showed up or through the way that you set boundaries,
he's going to mirror that back to you
by not giving you the kind of commitment that you want
because you're not clear about the value that you create
or the sort of relationship that you want.
Does that make sense?
I guess just by stating those initial assumptions,
I've already given you one reason why he may not be willing to commit to you
and he may be breadcrumbing you, or ghosting you, or doing things like that.
Be clear on those first three things.
Now, let's get to the second reason
and one of the most primary reasons why a man isn't willing to commit to you.
That is, fundamentally, if you were doing those three things that I talked about,
you're aware of your value,
you're communicating your value and standing in your value,
and you've set positive boundaries with him,
and he's simply refusing to honor them,
the reason he won't commit is that he doesn't see you.
He doesn't see and appreciate you for the incredible, magnetic,
vibrant, high-value woman that you are
and that you have showed up as to him.
It's as simple as that.
Of course, we could do a million theories around does he have other relationships?
What does he got going on in his life?
Could I do this? Could I say that? Blah-blah-blah.
There's a million other hypotheticals you could throw out there
to try to justify, or explain, or rationalize his behavior,
but at the end of the day, if you have showed up in ownership of who you are
and he is not acknowledging that, then he doesn't see you.
That is not your fault and that is not your problem.
Then, the next question naturally is, what does it mean?
What does it mean that a man doesn't commit to you
because he doesn't see you?
What does that mean for you?
What does that mean for you in the way that you get to respond to that?
What it means bottom line is, he doesn't get to be in your life.
He doesn't get the privilege of your time.
He doesn't get the privilege of your attention.
He doesn't get the gift of your focus or your energy in his life.
That means you don't pick up his breadcrumbs.
That means you don't respond to his late-night texts
after he ghosts you and then comes back months later.
If a man has consistently demonstrated that he doesn't see you
and he's unwilling to give you
what it is that you have clearly communicated that you need or want
to be happy in relationship, to be fulfilled in connection,
then you get to lovingly release him because for whatever reason,
he has more growth,
he has more expansion that he gets to do in his own journey,
and he's not a good fit for you right now.
There simply isn't alignment between the two of you.
That isn't your fault and that isn't his fault.
I invite you to release blame and release judgment
around other people and how they treat you because at the end of the day,
other people's opinions of you are none of your business
and you have no control.
You have no control over how other people perceive you at the end of the day.
Your only job is to manage how you choose to show up,
what ways of being you choose to adopt,
what your values and vision are for a relationship,
and how do they show up in the way that you conduct yourself,
in the world and in relationship.
That's your job.
Your job is to manage yourself,
and then other people are going to experience you.
They're either going to see you or they're not.
That is perfect because you are not meant for everybody,
and you are not meant to be in alignment with everybody.
As long as you continue to own your power and continue to lovingly release
those men who do not see you, do not appreciate you,
and do not honor you in the way that you know that you're worthy of,
you're going to continue to come into alignment
with the sort of man and with the sort of people that do.
In order for them to be space for them, you get to let go of the people that don't.
Does that make sense?
There you go.
Now you understand why men don't commit,
why they won't commit, and what it means.
Bottom line is, if they're not committing and you've done your work
and you've showed up as yourself, they just don't see the magic of you.
That means they don't get to be a part of your life.
That's the only thing that it means.
Don't read anything else into it other than that.
Keep doing you, and your man and your men will find you.
I hope this resonated with you.
If it did, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I've created some great content that I know you're going to love
in your dating and relationships.
Thanks so much. I'll see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.