( LAUGHTER ) OVER THE WEEKEND, IRAN FINALLY
ADMITTED TO ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTING DOWN A UKRAINIAN
PASSENGER JET.
IN PROTEST, IRANIANS HAVE TAKEN TO THE STREETS TO EXPRESS
THEIR OUTRAGE AT BOTH THE DOWNING AND THE LYING ABOUT IT.
TO SUPPORT THE PROTESTERS, TRUMP TWEETED IN BOTH ENGLISH AND
FARSI, "TO THE LEADERS OF IRAN-- DO NOT KILL YOUR PROTESTERS.
THOUSANDS HAVE ALREADY BEEN KILLED OR IMPRISONED BY YOU, AND
THE WORLD IS WATCHING.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE U.S.A. IS WATCHING.
TURN YOUR INTERNET BACK ON AND LET REPORTERS ROAM FREE!"
(AS TRUMP) IT'S SO TRUE, REPORTERS DESERVE
TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, WHETHER THEY'RE FROM THE FAILING
"NEW YORK TIMES" OR TH THE FAKE NEWS CNN, THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO ROAM FREE, GIVE THEM A 30 MINUTE HEAD START AND LET DON,
JR. HUNT THEM.
( APPLAUSE ) DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN CRITICAL OF
TRUMP'S FAILURE TO PROVIDE EVIDENCE OF AN IMMINENT ATTACK,
SO, IN RESPONSE, THE PRESIDENT RE-TWEETED THIS PHOTOSHOP OF
CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI IN A TURBAN AND HIJAB WITH THE
CAPTION, "THE CORRUPTED DEMS TRYING THEIR BEST TO COME TO THE
AYATOLLAH'S RESCUE."
THAT TWEET IS LAZY, WRAPPED IN DISHONEST, STUFFED INSIDE
RACIST.
IT IS A TRUMP-DUCKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP'S AS ANXIOUS AS
THE REST OF US TO FIND OUT WHO'LL BE THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE-- HE'S GOT HIS PHOTOSHOP TEAM STANDING BY WITH A TURBAN.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S FIRST-EVER
INSTALLMENT OF: ♪
♪ >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT'S CRAZY!
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
2020!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
( APPLAUSE ) OH, I KNOW.
OH, I KNOW.
TODAY WE GOT SOME NEWS FROM NEW JERSEY SENATOR CORY BOOKER, SEEN
HERE GETTING PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MORNING, BOOKER SHARED THIS
VIDEO.
>> OURS IS THE STORY OF THE FAITH WE HAVE HAD IN ONE
ANOTHER.
WE KNOW BEATING DONALD TRUMP IS THE FLOOR, IT IS NOT THE
CEILING.
IT GETS US OUT OF A VALLEY; IT DOES NOT GET US TO THE
MOUNTAINTOP.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS SOME INSPIRING RHETORIC.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE NEED TO STOP IGNORING CORY BOOKER AND GET BEHIND HIS-- I'M
SORRY, THERE'S MORE?
>> WE NEED ALL DEMOCRATS TOGETHER TO CALL TO THIS COUNTRY
TO STAND TOGETHER, TO WORK TOGETHER, TO RISE TOGETHER!"
TODAY I'M SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: WE NEED TO STAND TOGETHER, WORK TOGETHER, RISE
TOGETHER, SIT BACK DOWN TOGETHER, AND QUIT ALONE.
( LAUGHTER ) BOOKER'S DEPARTURE MADE A MARK
ON ONE ELDERLY WHITE VOTER: "REALLY BIG BREAKING
NEWS--KIDDING-- BOOKER WHO WAS IN ZERO POLLING TERRITORY JUST
DROPPED OUT OF THE DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL
PRIMARY RACE.
NOW I CAN REST EASY TONIGHT.
I WAS SOOO CONCERNED THAT I WOULD SOMEDAY HAVE TO GO HEAD TO
HEAD WITH HIM!" ( BOOING )
THAT'S A JERKY THING TO SAY.
TRUMP'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE CORY BOOKER DID SOMETHING TRUMP
COULD NEVER DO: ADMIT HE'S BALD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) BOOKER WASN'T THE ONLY DEMOCRAT
TO END HIS CAMPAIGN.
BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, "MARIANNE WILLIAMSON DROPPED OUT OF THE
2020 RACE."
OR DID SHE IN FACT DROP IN TO A DIFFERENT RACE IN A PARALLEL
DIMENSION?
THIS COMES TO QUITE A BLOW TO --
( LAUGHTER ) THIS COMES AS QUITE A BLOW TO
HER PROBABLE RUNNING MATE: WIND CHIMES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO THE DEMOCRATIC FIELD HAS NARROWED.
LET'S SAY GOODBYE, FIRST, TO MARIANNE WILLIAMSON.
( PIANO RIFF ) AND A FOND FAREWELL TO NEW
JERSEY'S CORY BOOKER.
( HONKING ) LOOKS LIKE HE'S CAUGHT ON THE
TURNPIKE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT AN HOUR AGO, CORY!
OH, YOU'RE SO SCREWED.
OH, HE'S NEVER GOING TO GET THERE!
GET OFF!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO.
THE CANDIDATES WHO ARE STILL IN THE RACE WILL BE FIGHTING IT OUT
TOMORROW AT THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, AND WE WILL BE ON THE
AIR RIGHT AFTERWARD, LIVE!
TUNE IN TO WATCH ME STAY UP PAST MY BEDTIME, AND TRY NOT TO
SWEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE DEBATE IS IN IOWA, WHERE
BERNIE SANDERS IS ENJOYING A LATE SURGE.
AND TRUMP HAS NOTICED, TWEETING "WOW!
CRAZY BERNIE SANDERS IS SURGING IN THE POLLS, LOOKING VERY GOOD
AGAINST HIS OPPONENTS IN THE DO NOTHING PARTY.
SO WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
STAY TUNED!" "SO WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
STAY TUNED?" THAT'S HOW CABLE NEWS THROWS TO
A COMMERCIAL.
IS TRUMP JUST LIVE-TWEETING WHATEVER'S ON TV?
(AS TRUMP) "MORE FOX AND FRIENDS AFTER THE
BREAK.
AND NOW A LITTLE ENGLISH LIZARD IS TELLING ME TO BUY CAR
INSURANCE."
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
JOE SCARBOROUGH AND MIKA BRZEZINSKI ARE HERE, AND WHEN WE
RETURN GOOP HAS A NEW TV SHOW!
STICK AROUND!