>> James: WELCOME BACK. NOW, DOING A SHOW LIKE THIS
EVERY NIGHT WE READ A LOT OF HEADLINES.
BUT HEADLINES DON'T ALWAYS TELL YOU WHAT THE STORY IS.
SO WE THOUGHT WE'D HELP CLEAR THINGS UP WITH OUR SEGMENT,
"HONEST HEADLINES." ALL RIGHT.
THIS FIRST HEADLINE COMES FROM "THE NEW YORK POST," AND IT
READS: "POKEÉMON CARD SOLD FOR $420,000
AT AUCTION." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "WINNING BIDDER NOW
BROKEÉMON." HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM "THE
SUN," AND IT READS: "MAN'S PREMATURE EJACULATION
'CURED' AFTER DOCTOR ZAPS HIS PENIS WITH ELECTRICAL CURRENT."
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE. THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE
READ: "ERECTRIC SHOCK." HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM GIZMODO
AND IT READS: "SUPER NINTENDO WORLD OPENS
NEXT YEAR IN HOLLYWOOD." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "DISNEY ADULTS NO LONGER
SADDEST ADULTS." HERE'S ONE FROM PEOPLE MAGAZINE.
IT SAYS, NYU LAUNCHES COURSE ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT.
>> Pelley: I SHOULD HAVE READ, YOU ARE NEVER EVER GETTING
ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL. HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM "THE
GUARDIAN," AND IT READS: "NEW ZEALAND'S OFFICIAL WIZARD
FIRED AFTER 23 YEARS OF SERVICE."
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE. THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE
READ: "WIZARD CASTS SPELL TO TRICK NEW ZEALAND INTO PAYING
HIM FOR 23 YEARS." IMAGINE THAT!
IMAGINE MEETING PEOPLE, WHAT LINE OF WORK ARE YOU IN?
I'M A WIZARD. >> YEP, THE NEW ZEALAND ACCENT
WOULD WEIRD ME OUT MORE THAN THE POSITION.
>> James: IN N NEW ZEALAND, WHAT DO THEY CALL FISH AND CHI
CHIPS? FASH AND CHANCE.
WE WERE LOOKING ALL AROUND LOOKING AT THE LORD OF THE RINGS
STUFF QUITE HUNGRY, NOTHING ANYWHERE, ZERO, NOTHING.
THERE WAS THIS SHOP, WE GOT THERE AND WE'LL GET SOME STUFF
AND GO BACK. THE WOMAN SAID, IT JUST CLOSED,
WHAT CAN I DO IS FASHION CHOPS. AND SORRY -- I COULD DO YOU SOME
FASHION CHOPS. AND WE JUST WENT, WE'RE GOOD
WE'LL HEAD ON. HERE'S A HEADLIN FROM "THE
MIRROR," AND IT READS: "COUPLE GETS MARRIED IN MATCHING
PINK AND BLUE SHARK ONESIES." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ:
(SING) "MARRIED SHARKS DO DO DO-DO
DO-DO," HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM NBC NEWS,
AND IT READS: "NEW POLL FINDS 28% OF AMERICANS DON'T WANT TO
BE CARBON NEUTRAL." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "28% OF AMERICANS
EXTREMELY AMERICAN." HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM "THE
NEW YORK POST," AND IT READS: "TATTOO ARTIST HID A PENIS IN
CLIENT'S TATTOO AFTER HE MADE A SEXIST COMMENT."
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE. THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE
READ: "MISOGYNY GETS THE SHAFT." HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM "METRO,"
AND IT READS: "MAN BUILDS WORLD RECORD TWO-STORY TALL HUMMER
WITH A SINK AND TOILET." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "MAN NOT TAKING
DIVORCE WELL." HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE
FROM "METRO," AND IT READS: "U.K. TOWN UNDER SIEGE BY A PAIR
OF HOOLIGAN CHIHUAHUAS." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "U.K. TOWN REALLY NEEDS TO
KNOW WHO LET THE DOGS OUT." [APPLAUSE]
>> James: AND FINALLY HERE IS ONE FROM THE NEW YORK POST.
AND IT READS: "POSITIVE THINKING MAY IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL
HEALTH." THAT WAS THE HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ: "AW... [BLEEP] OFF."
THAT IS THE HONEST HEADLINES. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, WITH JOY.
EVERYBODY.