Hi everyone I hope you're all well so unless you have been living on Mars for
the past couple of months you will know that the world is in a bit of a pickle
at the moment an insidious invisible force is sweeping the globe wreaking
logistical emotional and financial havoc everywhere that it goes now
unfortunately I am not actually able to call this invisible force by its name
because if I do YouTube will D rank t monetize and possibly delete this video
so since I am pretty sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about I am NOT
going to call it by its official rather insidious name but instead refer to it
as the much more charming beverage bug considering that millions of people
worldwide are being forced to shut down businesses lose their livelihoods and
stay in their homes for an indefinite period of time public morale is pretty
low and as such it is very easy in a lockdown situation for people to develop
something that the sailors of old liked to call cabin fever cabin fever refers
to the distressing claustrophobic irritability or restlessness experienced
when a person or group is stuck in an isolated location or in confined
quarters for an extended period of time tempers can fray very easily and people
are prone to behaving irrationally and it seems that one group of people who
are behaving very very irrationally are our Hollywood celebrity class over the
past several days video after video has come out of various celebrities
revealing how special they are in how they're spending their quarantine
proving once again how utterly clueless they are about the real world
celebrities whether consciously or not have been flaunting their luxurious
relatively carefree by normal people's standards lifestyle via attempts to
remain in the spotlight because they're all a bit upset that not enough people
are paying attention to them right now leading candidates in the field of
grinding the public's gears were this tik-tok of former child stars Vanessa
Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale uniting for a faux high school musical reunion in
their massive fancy houses while drinking red wine by candlelight then
there was this display of wealth from madman actress January
Jones who thought it would be a good idea to show off her high-tech and
presumably vastly expensive LED light skincare regime while sipping on Coors
Light through a straw in her high-ceilinged ultra chic home
not to mention this effort from Madonna who sang into a hairbrush while dancing
around her enormous bathroom with its gold-plated tap surrounded by what would
easily be thousands of dollars worth of makeup and other cosmetic products Ellen
DeGeneres even thought she was interesting enough to record and post
herself calling Adam Levine to wish him happy birthday just gonna call my friend
today
hello Adam yes it's Alan happy birthday thank you
what are you doing oh that's lovely not not much just wait to call and say hey
so happy birthday so you're also doing nothing yeah
love you bye but the clip that took the cake was gal gadot who apparently plays
Wonder Woman and her army of celebrity pals singing John Lennon's Imagine the
most depressing godless and self-righteous of all his songs from
their multi-million dollar homes in order to lift the little people's
spirits now I can't actually play you the clip properly because YouTube will
absolutely ping me for copyright but the most accurate comparative to what it
sounded like is this two three four
now I hate to sound like a sourpuss here I mean there is nothing wrong with
having millions of dollars and a fancy house I very much hope to have the same
one day however if I currently had millions of dollars in a fancy house I
would not be flaunting it all over the Internet at a time on people's
livelihoods mortgage payments and life savings are being flushed down the
Beveridge bug toilet it is possibly a teeny bit tone-deaf of these Hollywood
peeps to behave in this way in short Hollywood has given us an
excellent example of what not to do in lockdown
but what else shouldn't you do in lockdown or quarantine I mean there is
of course plenty advice out there about what to do but where is the
comprehensive list of things to avoid surely a set of guidelines for what not
to do while sandwiched in with people you may or may not enjoy spending time
with would be helpful as such and as somewhat of a public service I have
through extensive research suggestions from my subscribers and a lot of
hypotheticals compiled a list of things you absolutely positively must not do
while in quarantine do not play Monopoly while board games
are an excellent way to pass the time monopoly should not be included in that
it has been known to destroy entire families not what you want when you are
lumped in with people so if you want to play board games stick to snakes and
ladders do not take inappropriate photos of
yourself and put them on the Internet I don't care how bored you are that is
not a good idea under normal circumstances just because you know life
as we know it has changed for the next little while does not mean it has
changed so much that it is now sensible to do that the internet is still written
in ink not pencil do not play pranks on the people you are living with I don't
care how funny you may think it is to squeeze toothpaste into the shampoo
bottle or put cling wrap over the toilet seat or react their Instagram and
pretend that they have been abducted by an eerily green militia and dumped on a
small but plentiful island in the Pacific populated only by pygmies and
their reptilian cousins it could happen just don't do it do not stockpile your
stockpile of toilet paper I know that we're all a little sensitive at the
moment of toilet paper and even though we have
been assured time and time again that there is not in fact an actual shortage
of the stuff the paranoia still looms large but while I know it might be
tempting to pinch a roll or two out of your family horde and stash it in your
room so that if the apocalypse actually does come then at the very least you'll
still have some for yourself but please it's really very rude and undermines the
bonds of trust that you have presumably attempted to build up with your
quarantine compatriots just leave the toilet paper in its designated spot okay
do not binge eat it might be tempting and you could justify it as patting
yourself up in case of an eventual famine but one you will run out of the
food that I am sure you fought tooth and nail for at the supermarket and two
while quarantine may seem like forever you will eventually exit your home
and when you do that you do not want to look like this do not ever miss one of
my videos or live streams and do not watch my videos without subscribing to
my channel I know that you have probably watched one or two or three or maybe
even more of my videos and you haven't yet hit that subscribe button so now
would be the perfect chance to do so and I will help you stave off all that
quarantine boredom do not panic this is stating the obvious however the
media has been rather disgustingly sensationalist during this whole thing
for what seemed like the longest time there they were making out like the
beverage bug was the new bubonic plague it's not tens of thousands more people
are recovering the not recovering there is enough hysteria in the media and on
the Internet without you bringing it into your real-life homes as well do not
play truth or dare you are currently unable to escape the people you are
locked down or quarantined with so any big reveal of an Indian media truth or
instigation of a deed that while it might seem glamorous at the time cannot
be undone will stick and no amount of social distancing within
households can unring those bells do not and I cannot express this enough do not
discuss politics especially via text with friends on the outside Levitan
sarcasm do not read via text so those friends you're texting might not be
friends when you get out so much do not place bets on who you think will be the
first to crack under quarantine it is impolite to speculate on the mental
well-being of your quarantine buddies letter learn to place bets on who is
going to go full loopy and on the rampage first we're all in this together
and betting on those that you are holed up with especially if you don't really
like each other at the best of times is not a recipe for a peaceful quarantine
besides you just never know who's betting list you might be on or for what
do not draw up a contingency plan of what to do in the event of a zombie
apocalypse I know this beverage bug stuff has a tiny touch of The Walking
Dead about it but I can guarantee you that we are not quite yet at the stage
where all those plans of action that yes we know that we all have in our heads
just admit it need to be discussed or initiated if /
when that time comes you will know but how am I going to know when it's the
right moment oh you'll know do not play is it really flammable with
the aerosols and liquids in the house and garage you might lose more than just
your eyebrows and I also wouldn't recommend attempting to make explosives
from at home chemicals from recipes on the Internet
do not rage smash your xbox when the server disconnects for the millionth
time you never know if the shipping people can actually deliver you another
one which would be frightful do not fry bacon with no clothes on do not fry
anything with no clothes on do not engage in any activity that could end up
with a hospital visit hospitals need all the beds they can spare at the moment
the last thing they need is board quarantine is turning up with war wounds
from I don't know playing is it flammable flying breaking with no
clothes on or being the recipient of a vengeful attack from a prank gone wrong
don't tell the cat that you just purchased $20,000 worth of toilet paper
don't lick doorknobs and windows yes that is actually a thing look it up and
then don't do it don't snack incessantly on all the food that you hoarded because
you're bored don't snack incessantly on all the toilet paper that you've hoarded
because you're so bored either do not commit to advising your spouse on their
character flaws do not build an army of neighborhood squirrels to invade your
neighbor's house especially if that neighbors name is taught do not open a
daycare for infected kids do not start welding as a hobby or watch movies like
contagion outbreak and quarantine do not watch CNN MSNBC or any outlet claiming
that people are racist for saying where the bug comes from that is just wasting
your precious time and brain cells do not become a communist don't start an
argument just because the other person can't walk away from this one don't
start playing really loud music at 4:30 a.m. or until 2:00 a.m. there are still
some people who have to go to work and they need sleep the loud music may also
attract zombies you just never know do not cut your own hair or even your own
bangs recipe for disaster and I speak from experience do not set up the
kissing booth right outside your front door or anywhere for that matter do not
pick fights with your family members living with you they are going to be
your only companions for the next little while
do not grab a soccer ball and paint a face on it even if you love Tom Hanks
and even though he has the beverage bug it might start to look like it's jealous
of all the time you're spending watching Daisy cousins videos and you will not be
able to sleep while it glares at you do not brush one's teeth with somebody
else's toothbrush do not compulsively go online shopping the global economy is
going to absolutely tank who knows what the financial ramifications are going to
be we all need to be saving money right now if we can not spending it
willy-nilly also you just don't know who has handled the goods you buy germs can
travel by post do not have a garage sale I know you might be taking advantage of
some time to do some early spring cleaning if you live in the northern
hemisphere but the timing is most definitely off don't walk around outside
with the express purpose of coughing or sneezing whenever you get near people
just to see how they react funny as that might be the world is not your own
personal TV show do not completely stop exercising there are plenty of workouts
on YouTube to follow they will do your mind good it will help you to sleep and
you won't come out of lockdown aren't able to fit any of your clothes do not
cut off social contact completely with the outside world weeks in isolation can
wreak havoc with your state of mind it is important to maintain contact with
family and friends and not just fire posts on social media voice contact is
also very important so where possible make that phone call
do not hoard things do not become a rapper do not take up basket-weaving
do not tweet to Hillary Clinton do not take up fly-fishing archery hurdles or
lawn darts do not disassemble your car do not attempt home dentistry do not
sleep all day I will plan a trip do not call a sasquatch do not answer a
sasquatch do not learn to juggle do not host any party but especially do not
host an ancient Egyptian themed fancy dress party the toilet paper wastage
would be just horrifying and above all else do not despair we
will get through this and when we do every concert and show and sporting
event will sellout every restaurant and pub and club will have a cue a mile long
and every shelf in the supermarket will be fully stocked because people will
have stopped panic as the saying goes this too shall pass
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