-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show,"
coming to you live here.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, in public, President Trump hasn't given up
on the election, but the big story is,
in private, he's been telling people
he wants to start his own
right-wing conservative media network to take on Fox News.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a chance to hear what Trump has to say.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Trump wants to take on Fox News.
Let me just say, good luck trying to replicate
the electricity that is Neil Cavuto.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, you're going to try to beat this Lou Dobbs bit?
-The caravan, of mostly Central American immigrants,
is now in the Mexican city
of "Hualjeda" tonight. [ Huixtla ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Good luck. Good luck.
This is fun -- the Trump network already has the catchy slogan...
[ As Trump ]
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump will base his new network
in the media capital of the world --
the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Listen to this -- I heard that Joe Biden
is going to stop building Trump's border wall.
Yep, and that, after four years,
Trump only got 12 miles of new wall built.
[ Laughter ]
Mexico is like, "12 miles?
We'll pay for that."
[ Laughter ]
What's your Venmo?
[ Laughter ]
When history looks back at presidential accomplishments,
everyone will remember the New Deal, Social Security,
and Trump's 12 miles of border wall.
[ Laughter ]
12 miles? I've shopped
at Costcos bigger than that.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's like a dad who promises to build the tree house
and, now, there's just a pile of wood in the backyard
and three rungs of a ladder going up the tree.
It's like, "You're too old for a tree, anyway."
I wasn't when you started.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, president-elect Biden is already getting to work.
He's starting to select members for his cabinet
and, last night, he filled
an important role. Watch this.
-Overnight, Joe Biden making his first major decision
as president-elect, naming his right-hand man,
tapping long-time adviser Ron Klain
to be his chief of staff.
-And, if everything goes well,
you'll never hear that guy's name again.
[ Laughter ]
When Klain moves into his office,
he'll find a desk, two chairs,
and 50 empty bottles of whiskey.
[ Laughter ]
When Trump heard Biden
hired a chief of staff, he was like --
[ As Trump ] Ah, yes, you always remember your first.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I don't. What was -- Who was my first?
Was it Reince Prius?
[ Laughter ] Reese's Pieces?
[ Laughter ] Reince?
Trump was like -- [ As Trump ] Don't worry. If it's not a great fit,
you can always hire three more.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's had four chiefs of staff.
One quit, one was fired,
one has COVID, and the fourth went out
to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Of course, people are still talking about the election.
Trump still refuses to concede,
even though there's been no proof of voter fraud.
Meanwhile, Trump's supporters
are planning to flood Washington, D.C.
to protest Biden's election.
Also, there's -- -Man, I'm tired of the news.
[ Laughter ]
-What was that, Tariq?
-I said I'm tired of the news, man.
It's always so upsetting.
Can we talk about something not in the news?
-Fine with me. What do you want to talk about?
-I don't know.
What's like the most random, harmless thing?
How about doorbells?
-Sure, love doorbells.
They're on doors.
You push them and --
♪♪
I'm sorry, Tariq. We just got breaking news.
[ Laughter ] -What is it?
[ Laughter ] -What?!
[ Laughter ]
Okay, fine. Let's talk about something else.
How about lettuce?
-Sure, sure. I love lettuce.
Iceberg, chopped, Romaine --
♪♪
Sorry, Tariq, We have more breaking news.
-Please don't read it. -I have to.
[ Laughter ]
I have to. It's my job.
I'm a comedy news person.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, come on!
[ Laughter ]
How about dogs?
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
-Coffee mugs?
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Ahh!
All the news is so bad,
you might as well just go back to talking about voter fraud.
-No, no. Come on.
What do you want to talk about?
-I don't know.
What's the most random thing ever?
Um, how about that rare bird from New Zealand,
the kiwi pukupuku?
[ Laughter ] -I would love to talk
about the kiwi pukupuku, instead of voter fraud.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I give up, man.
I'll just go back to not listening
to your monologue, as usual.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-Hmm?
-Tariq Trotter, everyone. Tariq --
[ Cheering and applause ]
Tariq Trotter! Tariq Trotter, everyone!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Uh, hey listen to this.
Ticketmaster is working on new plans
to make concerts safe
during the COVID era. Check it out.
-According to Billboard, fans who need to prove
they've been vaccinated or tested negative
24 hours before an event.
Their status would appear on the Ticketmaster app.
-Come on. Half the fun of going to a concert
is not knowing what you're going to catch.
[ Laughter ]
It backfires when you see sketchy guys
selling negative COVID tests outside the arena.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, so, now, when you're passing around a joint
with strangers at a music festival,
you can finally think,
"This is safe."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I heard that, after the election,
one industry got a big boost. Take a look at this.
-Liquor store owners in Washington, D.C. say
they saw more champagne sold on Saturday, November 7th,
than on the past two
New Year's Eve celebrations combined.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You can tell things are going well
because, when they heard, the champagne industry
had nothing to celebrate with.
[ Laughter ]
I'll let you get there.
I'll let you get there, yeah.
Yep, the champagne industry has been struggling
during the pandemic, which makes sense,
because no one's ever been like, "I took a shower
and put on pants."
[ Pop ] [ Laughter ]
[ Laughter intensifies ]
That's the sound effect we got for the champagne?
[ Laughter ] [ Pop ]
Man. [ Laughter ]
It's usually more like a -- "Whsss!" you know, like that.
It's like -- [ Pop ]
[ Laughter ]
-Sssss! Sssss! -Congratulations.
It's like the most boring champagne.
Probably like, "Dude, we just won $80 million!"
[ Pop ] [ Laughter and applause ]
-This bottle of champagne is flat!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow.
Clean, clean pop!
[ Laughter ]
Well, this made me laugh.
A statue in Spain -- Did you see this?
-Yes. Yes. -Oh, my gosh.
-Classic. -This is unbelievable.
A statue in Spain is getting a lot of attention
after a botched restoration.
Take a look at the statue before.
This is real.
Then it got restored. Here it is after.
[ Laughter ] -Yes! Yes!
-Oh!
-I love to see it.
[ Pop ]
[ Laughter ] Oh, yeah.
Meanwhile, the gargoyle around the corner was like --
[ Smoker's voice ] I'd still hit that.
[ Laughter ] Hey, wait, come on.
No.
It's like the difference between working
for "Restorations"
and "Restorations Total Landscaping."
[ Laughter ]
Can we take another look at the statue
before it was restored?
And now the new one again?
[ Laughter ]
Jeez.
Well, a lot of people are speaking out about the update,
including the statues themselves.
[ Laughter ]
First, the original statue said...
The new statue said...
[ Hello! That hurts my feelings. I'm beautiful! ]
[ Laughter ] Then, the original statue was like...
Then, the new statue was like...
[ No! I like my face! You're just jealous! ]
[ Laughter ]
Then, the Jesus painting from Borja, Spain,
spoke up and said...
[ Yeah! Leave her alone! She's perfect! ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then, this old statue of the Fonz showed up and was like,
"Errrrr!" [ Laughter ]
[ I agree! Don't change for anyone! ]
And, finally, this plaque of Elvis Presley said...
[ Keep your head up! You're a hunka hunka burning love! ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
They're all very supportive.
And, finally, the holiday season is almost here.
You guys psyched for the holidays?
[ Cheering and applause ] We're going to make it good.
Well, a Christmas tree in Cincinnati's Fountain Square
has been getting a lot of attention
for its unique look. Here it is.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-Yeah. When asked about the tree,
the statue from Spain said,
"Ermahgerd! That tree looks perferct!"
♪ Er, Christmas tree ♪
♪ Er there's yer birds ♪
♪ Er branches ♪