-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show"! You're here.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for being --
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, some big news from Washington.
Today, President Biden hosted Ukrainian President Zelensky
at the White House.
When he asked for money and support,
Zelensky said, "Sorry, Joe. I got my own problem."
[ Laughter ]
At this point, the U.S. hasn't agreed to give Ukraine
any more funding. Then Zelensky
saw the White House's 98 Christmas trees
and was like, "Yeah, I can tell money's tight, but, uh..."
[ Laughter ] Some more big news.
I read that in former president Trump's
election-interference trial,
the special counsel, Jack Smith, plans to use
Trump's cellphone data as evidence.
-Ooh. -Yep.
They were able to open Trump's phone
by doing face I.D. on a pumpkin.
[ Laughter ]
And in the data on his phone, they found that
Trump spent 105 minutes on e-mail,
380 minutes on phone calls,
and over 90 hours on Domino's Pizza Tracker.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump's dealing with a lot of legal issues,
but based on the announcement he made earlier today,
it looks like he's only focusing
on the important stuff. Check this out.
-My last two Trump digital trading card collections
sold out in just hours.
And now I'm back with my latest series called
The Mugshot Edition.
Purchase 47 digital cards,
and we'll mail you a beautiful trading card.
It is an authentic piece of the suit
I wore when I took that now famous mugshot,
and it was a great suit. Believe me, a really good suit.
It's all cut, up and you're gonna get a piece of it.
[ Laughter ]
-Right now, Nikki Haley is like, "How am I losing to this guy?"
[ Laughter ]
Who are taking these polls?
They're gonna cut Trump's suit into pieces.
So right now, there's only 870,000 cards available.
[ Laughter ]
Well, some TV news.
"Bachelor in Paradise" ended last week,
but it just came out that all three couples
have already broken up.
[ Laughter ]
It's sad when your relationship
can't recapture the magic of last Thursday, you know?
[ Laughter ]
One of them posted that they broke up
due to multiple infidelities. -Ooh.
-Oddly enough, "Multiple Infidelities"
was the original name for "Bachelor in Paradise."
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- Google just released their list
of the most popular searches of 2023,
called "Year in Search."
It's actually cool. You can actually see
different people's top searches.
I'll show you what I mean. First up, someone searched
Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and Jack Daniels,
and that person was Ron DeSantis' campaign manager.
[ Laughter ]
See, that's -- you could tell --
-The search. -Yeah.
Next up, we have "What is 'rizz'?"
[ Laughter ]
"What is 'no cap'?" And "What is 'yeet'?"
[ Laughter ]
Those were searched by
Pope Francis. -Oh, my God.
-He's trying to stay cool. -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. Up next, there's "Password.
"Password." And "Password."
Those were searched by Joe Biden.
He's like, "I don't know how to --
Is this how you find it?"
Here's another one. Here it says,
"Husband out all night." "Is my husband cheating?"
"How to track husband's phone?"
They were all searched by Mrs. Claus.
And you go, "Well, no, there's a good explanation."
[ Applause ]
Next up, we have, "Cat pics,"
"Beads from Michael's," and "Travis Kelce shirtless."
[ Laughter ] Those, of course, are searched
by your Aunt Cheryl. There you go, yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, there's
"Visine eye drops," "Axe body spray,"
and "Can people at work tell I'm high?"
[ Laughter ]
Those were searched by Mark from The Roots.
-Oh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
[ Laughter ]
Ha ha ha! Good job, bud.
Uh, switching gears, last night, the New York Giants
had a thrilling comeback win thanks to their third --
You see this? Their third-string quarterback,
an undrafted rookie from New Jersey,
named Tommy DeVito... [ Scattered cheers ]
...who everyone calls "Tommy Cutlets."
[ Laughter ] This is true.
"Tommy Cutlets." -"Tommy Cutlets."
-Yeah. Meanwhile, DeVito's agent
was at the game, and, well...
Can we just see a photo of his agent?
That's -- [ Laughter ]
That's the agent for Tommy Cutlets?
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
-Not every day you see a mob boss in friendship bracelets.
Um... [ Laughter ]
Well, this is fun. To celebrate the release
of "Wonka," a hotel group is opening
Willy Wonka-inspired rooms in New York and L.A.
Yep. The only catch is there's just one bed,
you have to share it with both sets of your grandparents.
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this. According to plastic surgeons,
more men are asking for butt implants.
Yeah, according to recent data, more men like big butts,
and they cannot lie. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
Next bar hang, you'll be saying, "Bobby's got back."
[ Laughter ]
More and more guys are turning to the friends,
be like, "Be honest, bro. Does my booty not pop enough?"
[ Laughter ]
Guys, finally, we have exactly nine shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means
it's time for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
Here we go.
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Nine days left ♪
All right! That's right.
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a ridonkulous Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Since there are nine shows left, let's open door number 9.
Where we going? Where is it? Where we going?
Ooh, this is it. You can --
Whenever, yeah. You can -- Yeah.
No. No, you have the honors.
-Okay. -Let's do it together.
I'll point. You can go for it.
No. You want me to open it? -No. Yeah.
-Okay. You want me to do it?
-Please. -No, no. You're here.
Do it. -Okay.
-Just...
-You should -- okay.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
What? Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Oh, deer."
"Oh, deer"! Wow!
This one's epic right here.
All right. Now let's see who's going home
with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number, okay?
If I call your number, I need you to jump up
and let me know where you are.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
Who wants me to pick their number?
This is a good sweater.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here we go.
297!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
There you go. Wow.
♪♪
Hi!
297. -Yeah.
-297. -Yeah, that's me.
-How you doing? -Hi. I'm good. How are you?
-I'm good. What is your name, and where are you from?
-My name is Justin, and I'm from Long Island.
-Hey! We love Long Island!
I love Long Island. Thank you for being here.
-Yeah, of course. -Now, it gets chilly
in Long Island. Gets chilly this time of year.
I see you like the color green. It looks great on you.
-Thank you. -Are your eyes green?
-My eyes are green, yeah.
-This is fantastic. -It is.
-This is gonna go -- -It all works out.
-If you -- I want you to just look
in this deer's eyes for a little bit.
[ Laughter ] I could feel something here.
Yeah. -I do.
-Do you have anything like this? -No, I don't.
-This is your lucky day. Would you like
to try it on first? -Yes, I do.
-Here you go, bud, yeah. Go for it.
Here, I'll help you out. I think it's gonna be perfect.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's good. -All right.
-One sleeve -- No. I'm happy you're --
This is fantastic.
No one will have -- Oh.
-Oh! -No one will have this.
-Thank you! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh! This looks phenomenal.
Look at this.
Turn around. Turn, model. That's great.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Fantastic! You look great.
Thank you for being here. -Thank you so much.
-Stick around, everybody!
We'll be right back with Hugh Grant!