Hello, I decided to stay indoors all week this week
and managed to get even paler.
*laughs*
What is up, everybody?
So, I came to an interesting conclusion recently.
And by recently, I mean maybe two hours ago
when I was eating dinner.
Again. Alone.
Maybe, it is time that I get myself... a bae.
I'm sorry I just used that word.
But a significant other
I just think it would be really nice to have somebody
there to hang out with
and laugh with,
and snuggle with, and kiss,
and I am saying a lot of things out of my mouth.
And I was wondering, what am I doing wrong?
I mean, other than my... extreme social
anxiety and fear of interaction
and rejection... Okay, well I got a lot
of stuff to work on. But I also realized
that it might be because I have to
turn up the sexy. Being sexy
is not something that I specialize in.
I know that may come as a surprise to
a lot of you, but... yeah.
So I figured I could gain some inspiration
by looking at the world around
me. And no, not other people,
because, you know, people can be unpredictable.
I'm talking about Mother Nature.
So many different animals
have very interesting techniques that
they use to secure their mates. So
maybe, I could borrow some of those techniques
in order to secure my mate.
Is it worth a shot? Am I overthinking this?
Probably.
But I need all the help I can get, so let's do this.
Okay! Let's look up interesting ways
animals attract their mates.
Here we go... Oh, let's start with this one!
Penguins! They're, like, the most romantic
species. They usually are monogamous,
and mate for life, and they have such an
adorable way for choosing mates.
-This is so romantic. -I actually brought you
here for a reason. -Yeah?
-Will you spend the rest of your life with me?
-Ye--
They give each other rocks.
Is that a yes?
Pebbles, more specifically. On second thought,
maybe it doesn't really translate, for humans.
Uh, they might be looking for a different kind of rock.
So, uh, maybe it's best to look at
another species, here we go. Frigatebirds!
This is really interesting, they are sea birds
where the males display to
the females by lifting up
their heads and displaying
their huge... pouches?
-Can I get your number?
-Yes
That might actually work.
But, you know, I really like these shirts, I don't want to stretch
them out too much, plus it says
throat sacs, not so much sacs on the
chest, and, uh, I don't really know
how I would be able to do that, so better to move
on? Okay, you know what? I'm gonna try and take
some advice from some of my mortal enemies.
Spiders.
It says here that some male spiders
slap on a female spider's
web, in order to get their
attention. And, uh, you know, see
if they're up for making anything happen.
*giggles*
-Coffee some time? -*Screams*
Okay, yeah, that one's a little weird.
I, uh, I don't know why I wanted to take advice
from spiders. Let's just move on.
Sorry, spiders. No I'm not.
Okay, so this might be a little bit outside the box, but
apparently, some snails and
slugs have something that might be
of use to me.
-Thanks for having me. -Of course.
You know what would make this even more perfect?
-Eating sugary cereal straight out of the box with our fingers?
-That, yes, but also this.
It's called a love dart.
-Now it's perfect.
Ah!
It's just like cupid's arrow, and, actually
it's more like a stabbing, apparently.
And, uh, it only helps with paternity.
So it really doesn't help with my...
romantic behavior towards
the person, so, you know, it's just best to move on.
Blue-Footed Boobies!
You know that we got a winner when we got the Boobies.
Apparently, the bluer the
feet, the better the chances
of getting the mate that you meet.
Ohhh
-Hey.
Check out these puppers.
-Man! -(Laughs)
Yay!
You know, that one was sort of plausible.
But, I kind of feel like most people would
just think I had hypothermia, so...
I don't want to cause them any worry.
Let's move on.
Ah, yes, there is the very modest
firefly, which attracts its
mate through very specifically patterned flashes.
-What's up? Hey. (Laughs)
-Oh, hey.
Heyyy -Yeah?
But, then I would be flashing people,
and I would be flashing people, and I don't
really want to participate in that unwarranted
behavior. Plus, I showed my butt again.
Why does it always come back around
to me showing my butt? Next one!
You know, I could just go the very
subtle route of...
the Peacock.
-Oh, what's up?
-Hey.
Maybe that's not so subtle.
And maybe that would be a problem.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness! Okay. This one.
This one I can do. Frogs have
mating songs. I can sing!
-*singing* Isn't she lovely?
-Dude, that is not the way that you gotta sing.
*Makes frog mating sounds*
-Oh my g-- No. No! No. No.
I'm not gonna sing like that.
I don't even know how to do that. That guy would
also make a really good Frigatebird, apparently.
So... Good for him.
Moving on! Okay, now this one is interesting.
Bowerbirds are a species of bird that
build elaborate, decorative nests that
entice mates inside, and
once inside, the owner of the nest
does this really romantic Bowerbird
mating dance. You know,
my room is not exactly highly decorative
or adorned, but once inside, I think
I would be really good at the second
portion of that mating ritual.
-So, this the room. -Oh, nice.
I'm liking it.
Oh, what...
What, what are you...
Wait, what are you doing?
Oh, that, that, that's something.
Oh, yeah. No. That's...
What...
What is.. your end goal here?
Oh. Oh, that... oh, that's...
Interesting. Okay. Yeah.
Oh, that's, that's how you're gonna do that. Okay.
Oh. *sharp intake of breath*
Y-You're not...
That's... No. That's not helping the situation.
No, that's not any better. Okay. Alright.
I-I think I'm just gonna go. -Wait, no, I'm not--
My finish!
Okay, maybe not.
Maybe I overestimated my skills.
Okay, well then let's just move on to a different species
of bird. The superb Bird-of-Paradise.
This one also does a mating dance.
But! It's got an awesome mane of
feathers to back him up!
-Hey. How are you doing?
-I'm doing fine.
-Do you want to go out sometime? -Oh... my god! (Laughs)
-I think it would be cool. -You got--
-You wanna go out? On a date? Sometime? -I'm just gonna--
-Maybe seven?
Yeah, that one was just weird.
That one was just weird, Thomas, come on.
You know, I think this all goes to show that when looking for
a significant other, it is important
to just be yourself.
There aren't any special techniques or tricks
of the trade. The right person will come
along when it's supposed to happen. I am sexy
in my own way, romantic in my
own way, and the right person
who comes along will see that. And while
you are single, it is important to take time
to love yourself, because you
are the only one who will always
be there for you. And if you are really,
really eager to find yourself
a mate, you can always do
what Sloths actually do.
Scream.
-*screaming* Somebody date me!
-Hey. -Wow.
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That's it, and until next time, take it easy
guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Peace out!