-All you need to know is I'm single and ready to mingle.
-Right, no one wants to date someone smelling like blueberry muffins 24 hours.
-I never kissed a smoker before.
-Just put your tongue in an ashtray.
-I don't really want a boyfriend. I just want an Uber driver.
-Now you're starting to sound like those star sign people.
-Why are you liking my photos on Instagram and you can't message me?
[music]
-Srirachi, what's your experience dating?
-My experience dating--
I'm currently on hiatus,
but all you need to know is I'm single and ready to mingle.
-I've been out of the game for a bit.
However, I am a married man
and everyone that I speak to tells me
it's like picking out of a clearance rack at the moment.
You just got to choose your fault and you just roll with it.
-[laughs]
-Ted, can you give me your red flag?
-I think my first red flag straight off the bat is smoking,
like chainsmoking.
-You're on a date and they pour water for themself
and not for you.
Disgusting.
Wasn't raised right.
-Someone heavy into outdoor activities,
like, bro, you think I'm going to wake up six o'clock in the morning
and go for a hike?
You think I've got nothing better to do?
-Slow texters.
The thing is it's difficult because everyone's different,
but you have to look at the long-term trend of their texting behavior.
You know what I mean? Why are you liking my photos on Instagram
but you can't message me?
-Take something like, what, one to two business days to get a reply,
but they're watching every single story of yours.
-Yes.
-Come on. -Aw.
-Or you even look on Messenger or something like that
and they're active five minutes ago
but they can't answer your text from two hours ago--
slack.
Someone who's heavy into star signs.
-[laughs] No, I agree with that.
-[puffs]
-Oh, yes. Vaping.
-No, no, no. Vaping is shocking.
Definitely. No one wants to date someone
smelling like blueberry muffins 24 hours a day.
-You see like a fine ass dude and he is all macho.
Why do you smell like strawberry muffins?
-Takes out this little pink plastic thing, he's there sipping on it.
-[puffs] -Highlighter.
-Ted, I need more. -Another one would be someone
who is completely inactive on social media--
massive red flag.
What have you got to hide?
You got nothing to post.
How private. In the time we live in?
Surely, you got something to put, something interesting.
Bro, post a coffee or something, man.
-Post anything. -What?
No, girls love a private guy.
I'm going to say this is a red flag,
but I feel like this is the whole male population.
You say things to them, but they can only respond to
one thing that you said.
It's like they can't multitask, right?
You're saying a few things, but they can only respond to one thing.
Slow brain function.
-Another red flag.
Hopefully, Rachi agrees with me.
Someone without their driver's license.
-Yes.
-In this day and age, no driver's license.
-Unemployed.
Don't tell me you're an entrepreneur.
You're unemployed.
[bell rings] -For me,
it's either outdoor activities or private.
I think maybe I put number one, private, it's fine for me.
-I'll go with inactive-- ah, no.
I'll probably go outdoor activities worse than being inactive on social medias
just because like I said earlier,
I'm not going to wake up 10 o'clock in the morning
just to drive three hours to go on a one-hour hike
that I can do like in a local golf course or something, man.
-What?
-What if they're like inactive on social media
it's like excuse us.
I'd rather someone who's--
no, outdoor activities I can excuse.
Inactive on social media,
that will probably be the two excusable ones.
However, I'd prefer someone
who's inactive on social media rather than outdoor activities.
-The most excusable of all these is inactive on social media?
Yes.
-Comprehension is number nine.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For me, it's outdoor activities
-No, I'll go with comprehension probably.
-No, but like -- okay, imagine you message your wife,
"Pick up the kids," and she doesn't because she can't read.
-[laughs] -That's illiteracy.
That has nothing to do with comprehension.
-Wait, wait, wait. -Comprehension is just communication,
just very-- sometimes people-- like myself, I'm a--
maybe it's all males.
I'm a selective reader.
I prioritise certain things over other things.
- I process things differently.
That's why it's a bit more excusable.
Whilst outdoor activities, no.
-Outdoor activities. Oh, I like outdoor stuff.
-Exactly my point.
-You don't like outdoor stuff?
-No. -Have you ever swam in freshwater?
-No. I barely swim at the local swimming pool.
You want me to go all the way to freshwater?
-No, but the air tastes nice.
-Now you starting to sound like those star sign people.
-No. [laughter]
-I'm getting in touch with nature.
-Well. [screams]
Okay. I don't know how to make you agree with me.
What else is on the list?
-Doesn't drive, unemployed is--
-no. -No.
-They got to be out there.
-Yes. 100%. -Yes.
-Really what we're battling here is
into outdoor activities or has no comprehension skills.
-No comprehension just really kills me.
I really hate it.
-I think you just got to raise your standard.
-What? -[laughs] Why are you talking to people
with no comprehension skills?
-That's why I'm not talking. That's why I'm on hiatus.
-Number eight. I think star signs.
Let them have their 10 minutes of-
-Yes, I can agree with that. -horoscopes and whatever.
Recharge their crystals and stuff.
I'll check it at number eight.
I don't care that you're a Capri Sun or whatever.
-Outdoor activities. -Outdoor activities,
yes, that's a bit more bearable.
-I like going outside.
-I don’t. I would maybe say slow texting or vaping.
-I think I'll go with slow texting just because vaping is really
like it's out there.
Slow texters, if someone's slow
you just sort of gauge that they're not interested,
whilst with vaping,
everyone's doing it at this current moment,
so it's a lot worse.
You're more likely to find someone that vapes
than someone who's a slow texter.
-That's my argument. -That's true. That's true.
Slow texting, I feel like there--
I've definitely come across people who are interested, that's just--
they don't live life like that or they're lying to me.
-Listen, if you're single,
live at home, you got no responsibilities, bro, you got no excuse.
Just text fast, bro.
Reply, man, just reply. What responsibilities do they have?
-I don't like-- -No, there's no excuse for slow texting.
-I also don't like people who text too fast
because it makes me think like why do you have so much spare time.
Are you unemployed?
Where's your day job? Where's your 9:00 to 5:00.
No, but that's what I'm saying you have to--
-it's contextual. -Be reasonable. Be reasonable.
-Also, I don't really like to text nowadays. I don't know.
This is why I'm on hiatus.
This is why I'm single, aargh.
-What's worse texting or FaceTiming?
-I love FaceTime.
-I can't stand FaceTime.
Where do you think I got-- I'm trying-- I'm almost going to get arthritis
holding the phone staying there for like 20 minutes,
-"Oh, yes, how was your day." -That's true too.
-I'm going to try to get good lighting- -I'd rather just text
--and angles.
-I guess, yes. -It's intrusive though, right?
-Yes, it is.
-How well do you need to know somebody before they do a FaceTime?
-I don't need to know them.
I'd FaceTime you straightaway. I don't even need to know the person.
I called Steve this morning. I don't know Steve.
I said, "Steve, where do I park?" You know what I mean?
-You did a FaceTime? -I need to FaceTime because I was driving.
[laughter]
-This will have to be between vaping and smoking for sure.
What's more excusable, vaping or smoking?
-In my opinion,
vaping is worse than smoking
because I just feel like you look like a child.
Just smoke a cigarette, come on, grow up. Also--
-Do you want to hang around someone who smells like an ashtray 24/7?
-No, I don't, but it's not 24/7.
That's the thing because people who vape they vape 24/7
because it's so accessible.
Smoking is, I don't know, not as frequent.
Not allowed inside.
-That's 50 bucks a deck.
A bit of wealth behind it.
-Yes.
[laughter]
-It's a rich man's hobby these days. -Maybe it's a green flag.
-Smoking means they-- -Got money.
-You're on a date the dude pulls out a stogie like this.
-Bro, no. [laughs]
Pulls out a Cuban cigar,
or pulls out Winnie Blues, or pulls out a pink highlighter,
-what's worse? -Obviously, pink highlighter, not cute.
-Done. I'll go fifth vaping as well.
-Wait, no, no, no, no. Sorry. -Wait, what?
-Smoking. Smoking is worse than vaping. -No, no, smoking, smoking.
-Because some people are social smokers too.
-Yes, you get some people that will like smoke whilst having a drink
-but they don't smoke every single time. -Yes, exactly.
-I guess it's not that bad.
-I've never kissed a smoker before.
-Just put your tongue in an ashtray and you'll know exactly what it's like.
-[laughs] Ew.
-No for vaping next?
-Vaping is next definitely.
-We can agree to that. -Yes, vaping.
--Vaping. -Not pouring water is getting up?
-You don't-- you obviously don't understand.
-Are you raised with like Sasquatches or something, man?
How can you not pour water for someone else, man?
Bro, zero manners.
-Not pouring water is kind of no matters. -100%.
-No, you obviously don't understand. -Means you weren't raised right.
-You weren't raised right. -If you don't know, you don't know.
-The table water gets put onto the table. They pour it.
They pour it for themselves, they don't pour it for you.
-You're telling me you don't have the capacity to care for others.
You want me to dehydration die.
-Zero empathy.
Zero love, zero care.
Bro,
where's the love?
-No, seriously. I literally one time went on a date with a guy,
he didn't pour my water,
and that was the only thing I could think about the whole time.
I'm not even kidding.
I went home, I told all my girlfriends about it.
They were like, "Wow."
-Do you hope he sees this?
-Do I hope he sees this? Yes.
-What's his name?
-No comment. No comment.
-His name is not a common name.
I'm not trying to put that out there.
-Top three.
Can't drive. No job.
Doesn't pour water on a date.
-Can't drive. -Can't drive, definitely.
In the 21st century, bro, come on.
As soon as you turn-- on my 18th birthday,
first thing I did was go to VicRoads to get my license.
-I don't really want a boyfriend. I just want an Uber driver.
If you can't drive, it's like, don't need you.
I can drive myself.
-If someone comes up to you for their first day
and they're like, "Can you pick me up?"
-Yes, and I'm going to put my hand on their thigh.
[laughter]
-You're my bitch my now.
[laughter]
-What's the biggest red flag, no job,
no manners?
-This is thing, right?
What if it's seasonal unemployment?
-You can always find a job.
However,
-if you don't have manners -- -Yes,
-that's what I'm saying. -It's nature versus nurture.
-Yes, that's what I'm thinking too.
-Nature versus nurture.
-What if they're so rich, they're just retired?
That's what I'm thinking. I think we agree, yes?
-100%. -The pouring water thing is like--
-Unemployed, you can always coach them and be like, "I'll help you find the job.
-You can work for me." -Yes, exactly. Exactly.
-[laughs] -No, I need a photographer.
You'll take my Instagram photos now.
You need a job? Don't worry. I've got you.
-The main reason Rachi and I agree
on not pouring water as being the biggest red flag, just manners.
If you don't have manners, you're done for.
-Yes. Because growing up, my parents used to always talk about
family background in terms of the other person you're dating
and I never used to understand until that happened to me,
and I was that like, "Oh, okay."
-As a married man,
when you marry someone,
you're not just marrying them, you're marrying their family as well.
If they're-- if that's how they're raised,
then you can only imagine how the family is also.
-I'm glad we agree. -Yes, 100%.
Smash it. Yes.
-No manners is the GOAT not pouring water on a date.
-That's it. You got no manners, man, you're done for.
-That's true. -Stay single for the rest of your life.
-[applause] Smash it.
[laughter]
-Top three awkward moments.