Donald Trump hosted a swearing-in ceremony
for Amy Coney Barrett,
Supreme Court justice
and mom who blocks Nickelodeon for too much "adult" content.
And some people were excited to see her ceremony,
while others were furious about it.
But one thing everyone was thinking was,
what the hell was Trump talking about?
We are fulfilling
the duty that passes to each new generation
to sustain the national traditions
and virtues that make possible
everything we have achieved before that
we will do tomorrow.
You know, Trump is the only person
who can make English sound like a foreign language.
It actually sounds like someone translated Trump's speech
into Farsi, translated it back into English,
and then gave him a concussion.
This speech reminds me of the essays
I would write in high school
when I was trying to reach a word count.
"And then those who submitted
"would be also within their range
"to find...
dreams and memories." All right, done.
Seriously, I don't know if you could figure it out,
because I ran that speech through Google Translate
and it killed itself.
And watching Trump struggle through speeches like that
always makes me wonder how hard it must be
for the guy in charge of his teleprompter.
I mean, what is it like to be that guy?
Well, luckily, it turns out
there's a documentary on just that very person.
My name is Preston David Smith,
and I operate the president's teleprompter.
You may have heard him mention me.
You want me to go back on teleprompter, anybody?
-No, no. Okay, here's a question. -CROWD: No!
My poor guy must be having a fit. He's over there.
He's so good at this stuff.
He's on line three.
-(cheering) -He's saying, "Sir,
should I just turn the sucker off?"
Would you rather go teleprompter or freelance?
-CROWD: Freelance! -What do you want?
So, basically, I'm the seat belt
that sort of just keeps him safe as he just...
tch, zooms down that verbal highway.
(chuckles) Which is obviously a metaphor.
He does not wear a seat belt.
My job is basically load the words into the teleprompter,
scroll it as the president reads.
Sounds simple.
It's not.
The op-ed published in the failing New York Times
by an "anomiss..."
really, an "anomoniss,"
gutless coward.
You just-- Look, he was, uh--
Nobody knows who the hell he is, or she,
although they put "he,"
but probably that's a little disguise.
That means it's "she." (sniffs)
-But for the sake of our national security... -(exhales)
Operating the president's teleprompter
is one of the most important jobs
in this current administration.
It goes: secretary of state,
guy who turns on the TV to Fox News, then me.
Scrolling the prompter for the president is a dance.
You know, sometimes he's leading, sometimes I'm leading.
But... sometimes it's just jazz
and I just got to lean back and...
let him take the solo.
We gave them their dignity back.
(cheering and applause)
By the way, you don't mind
if I go off script a little bit?
'Cause, you know, it's sort of boring.
-(cheering) -It's a little boring.
Got this beautiful speech.
Everything's wonderful but a little boring.
We have to, you know, interject.
But we gave them their dignity back.
And that's why our country's...
doing record business.
I feel like everything in my life was leading up to this job.
I got bit by the teleprompter bug early.
I'd be in my room, just working on my timing for hours.
(chuckles) I even practiced on my dog.
I remember this one time, my mom, she said,
"Preston, someday, you are gonna help grown men
read words off a screen." (chuckles)
And she was right.
The president is an unparalleled communicator,
so I am always trying to get on his level.
Uh, but I-I do make typos.
On January 23,
VenezZzshuela's national assembly...
He was awarded the Bronze Star
and the combat infantroopen...
...heart, lung and liver transpants.
...by patriotic citizens who want their families protectrd...
...and God bless the United Shhhtades.
I really thought "the United Shtates"
was spelled with three H's.
But it's just one.
Trump's an amazing boss.
Um, he encourages me.
He didn't give me corona.
But, sometimes,
I feel...
eh, I don't know... (sucks air through teeth)
undervalued.
And, you know, I say you shouldn't be allowed
to use teleprompters, 'cause you have to test
people's intelligence. If you need telepromp--
-You know how easy it is? -(cheering)
No, no, do you know how easy it is?
(laughter)
All right.
I guess what I do doesn't mean shit.
Can we cut?
But the job does have perks. (chuckles)
I mean, you can't beat the hours.
Uh, he goes off prompter so much,
I've had so much time to foster new hobbies.
You know, they love wind, too, right? The big windmills.
The wor... The... I always say,
the greatest graveyard in the world for birds.
Just walk under a windmill.
You will see more dead birds than you will ever imagine.
What's happening... Including eagles.
You know, in California, they put you in jail
if you shoot a bald eagle.
It's been a wild ride, but I've loved every second of it.
Oh, (bleep), no.
No, the dude is a horrible president.
I mean, we-we all know.
We have to come together and make sure
that this guy does not win again.
That's why I'm voting for Kanye.