(upbeat music)
- Coach, I left behind everything
in my home country of Spain, where I am clearly from,
so I can train with you on the long shot chance
that I could make it to the NBA.
- Don't worry, I got a meticulously planned out procedure
to get you there.
- So what do we do first?
Do you want me to run up a hill fast as I can
or maybe shoot some free throws
while you're insulting my mother?
- We'll do all that later,
but first I want you to memorize all these basketball plays.
- There's like a hundred plays in here.
- 127 to be exact,
so memorize those perfectly
and then we will hit the court.
Hustle, okay.
- Maybe I should forget basketball
and just become a real estate agent.
(upbeat music)
- Chef, for you today I've prepared a pan-seared salmon
with gnocchi and vodka sauce, it's me on a plate.
- Sounds like it should be good,
Now let's try it.
- Please like it. Please like it.
Chef is going to love this dish.
I put my heart and soul into it.
This dish represents everything about my life
and my identity and my heritage and my hopes
and my dreams and my-
- It's pretty bland.
Yeah, it could use just like, some salt or something.
I know that you put yourself on a plate,
which is really nice, I love that.
But the thing is,
people have to eat this.
But you tried your best. Good job.
- I put my heart on that plate
and Chef said it needed salt.
Well, guess what?
I'm salty now.
- I didn't want to be rude
but what I'm looking for when I'm tasting a dish
is something that makes me wanna get out of bed at 3AM
and go to go to the refrigerator and eat the leftovers.
And honestly,
I would feel bad feeding the leftovers to my cat.
And my cat loves pan-seared salmon
with gnocchi and vodka sauce.
(upbeat music) (school bell ringing)
- Ugh, Tiffany, what is up with your outfit, girl?
It is an affront to my eyes. Are you colorblind?
- Yeah.
It's statistically unlikely that you are
because you're female,
but you could be one of the one in 200.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, like, take a look at this chart,
can you even read the number in the middle?
- Um.
- Where did you get that?
- Because if you can't, it means you're colorblind
and you should go to your primary doctor
because I'm not a real doctor, yet.
- Okay, this is getting weird.
- Hey, and while we're here,
why don't you read line six of this chart
'cause maybe you're nearsighted too
and should see an ophthalmologist.
- Is the first one, like, an F?
(upbeat music)
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yes, my computer is all frozen up
and I can't get it to work.
You're gonna need to fix it, IT guy.
- Yes, sir.
- Look, I may be your boss
with the ultimate power to fire you
but there's no need to call me sir.
Just call me boss.
- Okay, boss.
Let's see.
(computer powering up) (audience laughing)
- Well, that seems to have fixed it.
- Yeah.
- So, what did you do, exactly?
- I executed a power cycle.
- Wow.
- Yeah, it's a complicated procedure, but it gets results.
- Now you're talking my language. You know what?
I think you deserve a raise.
- Wow. Thank you.
- We can't let a man with your skills get away.
- Well, you know-
- Okay, get out of here.
- Okay, goodbye.
- Hm? Lemme Google that.
Power cycling is the act of turning a piece of equipment,
usually a computer, off and then on again.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat funky music)
- So, your new album is out
and there are some very emotional songs on there.
You really must have been going through some painful stuff
when you were writing those songs.
- Well.
- Tell the world right now,
all the trauma that you went through
in order to create such an intense album.
- I don't know.
- Maybe a breakup? Or a breakdown?
Or maybe all your friends abandoned you
because they said you're too overbearing
and you expect too much out of them,
even though you're a great friend
who's always been there when they need me?
I mean, need you.
- No I just felt like writing sad songs.
- So you were depressed?
- No, not really.
- Okay, now let's move on to the portion of the show
where we sing songs in the car.
- Oh great. (audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Okay, we got a birthday at table 17, let's go.
- Let's go what?
- We gotta sing "Happy Birthday." Duh, come on.
- We gotta sing? I don't wanna sing.
- Do I look like I wanna sing? No, of course I don't.
But we gotta.
- I refuse.
- Uh. You can't.
- Watch me.
- It's restaurant policy.
Check out the employee handbook, page 27, paragraph two.
"All servers on the floor must sing "Happy Birthday"
to any customer who says it's their birthday,
regardless of whether the customer wants it or not."
- No one even likes a bunch of servers
closing in around them and singing "Happy Birthday."
- Okay, If you don't sing with us right now,
I will fire you.
- You'll fire me?
- Look, if I can't count on you to sing an off-key
and half-hearted version of "Happy Birthday,"
with the rest of your team,
to a 23-year-old customer who is so embarrassed
that she can't make eye contact with any of us,
then how am I supposed to count on you
when the stakes are high and the chips are down?
And by that I literally mean
when the steak fajitas are overcooked
and we're running low on tortilla chips.
- Ugh.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Mr. President,
you're supposed to give your speech in 10 minutes.
- Oh crap, I forgot.
I was too busy trolling people in YouTube comments.
- Okay. Have you read over the speech yet?
I gave it to you hours ago.
- These rigidly structured speeches are so limiting.
It's much more interesting
when I'm just talking off the top of my dome.
- Wow. I am your speechwriter.
This is what you pay me for.
So forget the dome and just read it.
- Great, I'll just read the words in front of me
like a mindless robot.
Robot President here, here to deliver a speech.
- This speech is expertly crafted,
so if you read just how I wrote it,
I predict your ratings will go up 7.4%.
Plus it's a very sensitive topic,
so it would be best if you stuck to the plan.
- Okay, fine.
But if I think of a good point while I'm reading this,
I am going off script.
- Mr. President, no.
Remember what happened
when you went off script the other day?
- Of course, I do.
Someone asked me a stupid question at the press conference,
and so I called him a doofus with a room temperature IQ.
- We were at an elementary school.
He was six years old.
- I can't help but let dumb people know
that they are dumb.
- And that's why you lost your Twitter privileges.
- Okay, okay. I'll read it.
Gosh, for being the most powerful person in the country,
I sure get told what to do a lot.
(cameras clicking)
Ladies and gentlemen,
(microphone feedback ringing)
(paper rips)
I got a lot to tell you dumb people
about race in America.
- (sighs) I need a different job.
(upbeat music)
- Okay, Harris, look,
we all know that you were involved with the robbery
on June 15th.
So cut the crap and tell us who you're working with.
- I've told you everything I know.
- Harris, your story is so full of holes,
that if I had some bread and some ham
and some pickles and some mustard,
I could make make myself a delicious Cuban sandwich.
But, guess what? This isn't a delicatessen.
And I can't eat ham because I keep Kosher.
So all we're left with is your pitiful excuse for an alibi.
- Yeah, why does she keep staring at me like that?
- Because Detective Lemehew is reading you like a book,
Harris.
She's reading you like you're frigging
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban."
Okay?
So you better start naming names
or she's gonna wring it out of you.
And the longer you take to do this,
the more paperwork I gotta do, so hurry up.
- I got nothing to say.
- Think of a number between one and 10.
- What?
- It's three, right?
- How?
How did you know?
- Think of a color.
- No.
- Yellow.
Interesting.
- This is freaking me out, man.
- I told you to come clean, player.
But now, we're doing it the hard way.
- Who are you working with, Harris?
- No.
(tense music)
Stop reading my mind.
It's Timmy Talamantez. (crying)
That's who I'm working with.
Timmy Talamantez.
Just stop.
- See? You feel better now, don't you?
- Just get her away from me. She's a freak.
- You know, Harris, I can't really read minds.
- Huh?
- I knew you were thinking of the color yellow
because I had Detective Steinberg here mention mustard.
- What?
- And everyone knows to make a proper Cuban,
you need yellow mustard.
- And I knew you were thinking of the number three
because I told Detective Steinberg to mention
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban."
- The third and perhaps best book
in the Harry Potter book series.
- You played me.
- Hey. Don't hate the player.
- Hate the game.
(upbeat music)