Ugh.
How many times is Uncle Ben gonna die?
And why’s Peter always such a bitch about it?
Dude, that’s what old people do.
They die.
And you’d think he’d be happier, about inheriting his uncle’s…rice fortune!
This is ridiculous.
Actually, this is The Amazing Spider-Man 2.
And this is ridiculous.
So it’s called The Amazing Spider-Man 2.
Two because, this is the second time I’ve played the damn thing.
“Amazing” because someone in the marketing department’s a jokester.
Must be the office prankster.
Hey, ass-hole…no one’s laughing except you.
Then again, I’m the one who’s playing the damn thing, so…I guess that makes me
asshole.
Actually, Shocker’s the asshole.
And so is Peter.
And so is Columbia Pictures.
Hey, lady in the toga…how many times we gonna reboot Spider-Man?
Because that’s ridiculous.
So, you guys want to talk about this game?
Trust me, you don’t, ‘cause there’s nothing to talk about.
Here’s what we have to talk about.
I’d go, “Hey, have you guys ever played a Spider-Man game?”
And you guys would say, “Why, of course, Derek.”
Because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here…and then I’d say, “Well, this is another one.”
There.
There’s your goddamn review.
And don’t tell me it should have more to it, ‘cause if the video games aren’t gonna
think that about themselves, I’m sure as sh*t not going to think that about the things
I say about them.
Actually, everything’s ridiculous, at this point.
Anyway, you play as Spider-Man, and you swing around the city.
This might be familiar to you, ‘cause it’s the same thing you’ve been doing in Spider-Man
games for the last decade.
Only this time, oh, look how pretty the buildings are.
Yeah, real pretty.
Art deco, very nice.
Too bad I’ve been doing it for the last decade, and I don’t want to do it for the
next decade.
So you swing around, you go to waypoints, you find missions there.
Sometimes, they’re side missions.
All the times, they involve mashing buttons.
This is like game design on autopilot.
Plus, I feel like Kirsten Dunst is kind of hotter than Emma Stone.
Am I wrong about that?
Tell you what, though.
The weird thing about this game…is that I remember actually liking the first game,
The Amazing Spider-Man.
I mean, I could be wrong about that and the Kirsten Dunst situation, I don’t know.
But if I recall, that one was, just…better.
This one’s not so better.
There’s a bunch of glitches, it doesn’t play all that well…and the swinging.
You know, the swinging is supposed to be this impressive thing.
Like, am I missing something?
Yeah, I’m swinging around.
And this time, I can do it from each hand.
There are lots of things you can do from each hand.
Doesn’t mean it’s all that impressive.
Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t change it up once in a while.
I think it’s time to change it up.
The swinging.
You weirdo.
I think the big thing, though, is that it’s just not made as well.
The controls aren’t terribly smooth, the gameplay isn’t very well thought out…and
the presentation’s pretty rough.
Doesn’t sound great…certainly doesn’t look great.
I mean, Spider-Man lives in the city, it’s not like he sees a ton of trees.
And even he’s like, “Holy sh*t, that’s an ugly tree.”
Then again, the people are pretty ugly, too.
I mean, this is just an ugly situation from top to bottom.
Which sucks, because it’s a game based on a movie based on a comic book.
Which means it’s gonna have a huge audience of fans who want it to be fun.
And if you really like Spider-Man, it might still be fun.
In the same way a Spider-Man Band-Aid makes a blood blister fun.
I mean, it’s not that this is a bad game, but it’s just so bland.
It’s like the cold oatmeal of video games.
No berries, either.
It’s like conveyor belt game design, you know?
Genre?
Beat ‘em up.
Character?
Spider-Man.
Oh, so we should throw in the whole swinging around thing?
Yep.
And I think that annoys me even more than the bad games.
I man, even when I played this for the first time, I felt like I’d played it a million
times.
I instantly wanted to play something else.
So did Spider-Man, apparently.
Geez, at least hide it, Pete.
It’s The Amazing Spider-Man 2.