WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
SINCE-- SINCE DONALD TRUMP WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT, I'VE REMINDED
MYSELF TO NEVER STOP BEING SHOCKED.
BUT IT'S HARD, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE MY BRAIN HAS DEVELOPED A THICK CALLOUS, LIKE A
BALLERINA'S TOES.
( LAUGHTER )
LEGHTDRY SKIN UP THERE NOW.
BUT TODAY, I HAVE TO SAY, I AM SHOCKED ANEW,
BECAUSE TRUMP MET WITH INCOMING SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, NANCY
PELOSI, AND SENATE MINORITY LEADER, CHUCK SCHUMER, IN THE
MOST SERIOUS ROOM IN AMERICA, THE OVAL OFFICE.
AND THEIR MEETING LOOKED LIKE THIS:
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.
THAT WAS SOME MIX-UP IN THE CONTROL ROOM THERE.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS CATS BOXING, I THINK.
( LAUGHTER )
STEP UP FROM WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY.
>> THE FACT IS, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE VOTES IN THE HOUSE.
>> NANCY, I DO!
AND WE NEED BORDER SECURITY.
>> LET'S TAKE A VOTE AND FIND OUT!
>> NANCY!
NANCY!
IF IT'S NOT GOOD BORDER SECURITY, I WON'T TAKE IT.
>> IT IS VERY GOOD BORDER SECURITY.
>> AND IF IT'S NOT GOOD BORDER SECURITY, I WON'T TAKE IT!
>> AND YOU WANT TO SHUT IT DOWN.
YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT.
>> THE LAST TIME, CHUCK, YOU SHUT IT DOWN.
>> NO, NO NO!
OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
WE DISAGREE.
>> Stephen: STOP FIGHTING, GRANDMA, GRANDPA, AND WEIRD
GRANDPA!
( LAUGHTER )
FOR THE ENTIRE ARGUMENT TODAY WAS TRUMP'S BORDER WALL.
THE PRESIDENT'S BEEN THREATENING A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN OVER
FUNDING IT, AND PELOSI HAD HER MESSAGING READY:
>> I THINK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE RECOGNIZE THAT WE MUST KEEP
GOVERNMENT OPEN, THAT A SHUTDOWN IS NOT WORTH ANYTHING, AND THAT
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE A TRUMP SHUTDOWN.
YOU'LL HAVE-- >> A WHAT?
DID YOU SAY TRUMP?
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WHAT?
I'M SORRY WHAT?
DID YOU SAY 'TRUMP'?" HE'S LIKE ALEXA: HE ONLY WAKES
UP WHEN HE HEARS HIS NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"I'M ORDERING YOU 36 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER RIGHT NOW."
AND THE SPARRING WENT ON.
>> THE ONE THING I THINK WE CAN AGREE ON IS WE SHOULDN'T SHUT
DOWN THE GOVERNMENT OVER A DISPUTE.
AND YOU WANT TO SHUT IT DOWN.
YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT-- >> THE LAST TIME, CHUCK, YOU
SHUT IT DOWN.
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> AND THEN YOU OPENED IT UP VERY QUICKLY-- I DON'T WANT TO
DO WHAT YOU DID-- >> 20 TIMES.
20 TIMES.
20 TIMES YOU HAVE CALLED FOR, "I WILL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT IF
I DON'T GET MY WALL."
NONE OF US HAVE SAID IT-- >> YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING
>> YOU SAID IT.
>> OKAY, YOU WANT TO PUT IT ON MY--
>> YOU SAID IT.
YOU SAID IT.
>> I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.
>> OKAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL SAY?
YES, IF WE DON'T GET WHAT WE WANT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER,
WHETHER IT'S THROUGH YOU, THROUGH A MILITARY, THROUGH
ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO CALL, I WILL SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT.
>> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, HE'S OFFERING TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME
FOR THE THING YOU ALWAYS BLAME THE OTHER SIDE FOR?
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, I WILL TAKE ALL THE BLAME
FOR THE SHUTDOWN, BUT FIRST, LET ME JUST SPRAY PAINT MY INITIALS
ON THE BOW OF THE S.S.
'REPUBLICAN PARTY' BEFORE I DRIVE IT OVER A WATERFALL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
YOU'LL NOTICE THE WHOLE TIME TRUMP WAS BRAGGING ABOUT HIS
SHUTDOWN, CHUCK SCHUMER DID HIS BEST NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT
WITH TRUMP, LIKE YOU DO WITH A DRUNK GUY SCREAMING ON THE
SUBWAY.
JUST EYES FORWARD, AND LET THEM RANT ABOUT THE MEXICANS UNTIL
YOU CAN TRANSFER AT 59th STREET, AND DON'T ASK WHERE ALL THIS
URINE IS COMING FROM.
IT'S COMING FROM RUSSIA.
NOW TRUMP-- TRUMP--
♪ ♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
TRUMP INSISTED THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN NEED THE DEMOCRATS ON BOARD
TO FUND HIS WALL, BUT NANCY PELOSI CALLED HIS BLUFF.
>> THERE ARE NO VOTES IN THE HOUSE, A MAJORITY OF VOTES FOR A
WALL, NO MATTER WHERE YOU STAND.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> IF I NEEDED THE VOTES FOR THE WALL IN THE HOUSE, I WOULD HAVE
THEM IN ONE SESSION.
>> WELL, THEN, GO DO IT.
GO DO IT.
>> IT DOESN'T HELP FOR ME TO TAKE A VOTE IN THE HOUSE, WHERE
I WILL WIN EASILY WITH THE REPUBLICANS.
>> YOU WILL NOT WIN.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO PLAY POKER WITH DONALD TRUMP.
(AS TRUMP) "LOOK, I HAVE A FULL HOUSE, AND
I CAN PLAY IT AT ANY TIME.
I COULD BEAT ALL OF YOU IN ONE SECOND, IF I FELT LIKE IT.
ANYWAY, I'M BLUFFING.
HERE'S ALL MY MONEY.
WHO WILL BUY ME A SANDWICH BECAUSE I HAVE... I... I... I ♪
AS THE ARGUMENT ESCALATED, THE DEMOCRATIC LEADERS KEPT URGING
TRUMP TO TAKE THE COERSATION PRIVATE.
>> WE ARE HERE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION IN A CAREFUL WAY,
SO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A DEBATE IN FRONT OF THE PRESS
ON THIS.
>> LET'S DEBATE-- LET'S DEBATE IN PRIVATE, OKAY.
LET'S DEBATE IN PRIVATE.
>> WE CAME IN HERE IN GOOD FAITH, AND WE'RE ENTERING INTO
THIS KIND OF DISCUSSION IN THE PUBLIC VIEW.
>> BUT, IT'S NOT BAD, NANCY.
>> NO-- >> IT'S CALLED TRANSPARENCY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "CHUCK, NANCY, ANYTHING YOU HAVE
TO SAY TO ME, YOU CAN SAY IN FRONT OF MY GOOD FRIENDS, THE
ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.
OKAY.
JUST..."
( APPLAUSE )
THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE.
"PLEASE, CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS OVER DINNER?"
"WHY NOT?
THE KIDS DESERVE TO KNOW THE REASON THEY WON'T BE GOING TO
DISNEY WORLD IS BECAUSE THEIR JOY-KILL MOTHER THINKS THAT
MONEY SHOULD GO TO SOMEBODY'S BRACES.
IT'S CALLED TRANSPARENCY, MARGARET!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- AND-- AND PELOSI EXPLAINED WHY IT WAS
SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION PRIVATE.
>> LET US HAVE A CONVERSATION WHERE WE DON'T HAVE TO
CONTRADICT IN PUBLIC THE STATISTICS THAT YOU PUT FORTH.
>> Stephen: NO!
EXACTLY WRONG!
CONTRADICT HIM IN PUBLIC!
THIS IS FUN!
ASK HIM-- ASK HIM-- ASK HIM TO NAME SEVEN STATE CAPINALS!
NO, ASK HIM TO NAME SIEVE STATES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AFTER THE MEETING, PELOSI SPOKE TO HER FELLOW HOUSE DEMOCRATS
AND SHE HAD AN INTERESTING WAY TO DESCRIBE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
NEGOTIATE WITH TRUMP: "IT GOES TO SHOW YOU: YOU GET
INTO A TINKLE CONTEST WITH A SKUNK, YOU GET TINKLE ALL OVER
YOU."
( LAUGHTER )
METAPHOR, MADAM, BUT IF YOU GET IN A TINKLE CONTEST WITH
ANYTHING, YOU GET TINKLE ALL OVER YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY THEY BANNED IT FROM THE OLYMPICS.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP, SAYING, "THIS WALL THING, IT'S LIKE A MANHOOD THING WITH
HIM-- AS IF MANHOOD CAN BE ASSOCIATED WITH HIM."
>> Audience: OOOOOH!
>> Stephen: OH!
OH!
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: WOW!
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S COLD!
SO THE WALL IS A METAPHOR FOR HIS MANHOOD.
NO WONDER HE'S HAVING TROUBLE ERECTING IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
STILL, THAT'S PRETTY-- THAT'S PRETTY COLD FROM NANCY PELOSI,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE SHE ALWAYS SAYS, "WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE PUNCH THEM RIGHT
IN THE JUNK."
BOOM!
TRUMP ALSO SPOKE ABOUT THE MEETING AND SAID THAT ALL THAT
SHOCKING ANTAGONISM THEY HAD BETWEEN THEM WAS ACTUALLY THEM
JUST PALLING AROUND.
>> WELL, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I THINK IT WAS A FRIENDLY MEETING.
YOU SAW THE BEGINNINGS OF IT, BUT IT WORKED OUT TO BE PRETTY
GOOD.
I LIKED THEM FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, AND I RESPECT THEM
BOTH.
>> Stephen: WE JUST LEARNED TRUMP'S DEFINITION OF
FRIENDSHIP.
"FRIENDSHIP: NOUN: PUBLIC ARGUMENT WITH THOSE WHO OPPOSE
EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR."
AND HERE'S THE THING-- FRIENDSHIP.
FRIENDSHIP.
HERE'S THE THING ABOUT TRUMP THREATENING TO SHUT DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT OVER HIS WALL: THIS MORNING HE TBEETED A LONG TWEET
IN WHICH HE SAID, "WE ALREADY DO HAVE A WALL."
"DESPITE THE LARGE CARAVANS THAT WERE FORMING AND HEADING TO OUR
COUNTRY, PEOPLE HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET THROUGH OUR
NEWLY BUILT WALLS, MAKESHIFT WALLS, AND FENCES, OR BORDER
PATROL OFFICERS AND MILITARY.
THEY ARE NOW STAYING IN MEXICO, OR GOING BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL
COUNTRIES, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT.
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, ICE, BORDER PATROL, AND OUR MILITARY
HAVE DONE A FANTASTIC JOB OF SECURING OUR SOUTHERN BORDER."
TRUMP'S PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS TO SAY WE BUILT THE WALL TO
SATISFY THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR HIM IN 2016, BUT HE ALSO HAS TO
SAY THAT WE NEED TO BUILD THE WALL TO GET PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR
HIM IN 2020.
HE NEEDS A WALL THAT BOTH DOES AND DOESN'T EXIST.
I JUST HOPE HE HAS GOOD MIME SKILLS.
(AS TRUMP) "OH, HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.
BIG HARD WALL.
THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
HERE WE GO.
OH, WAIT.
THERE'S A LADDER.
HERE, I'LL GO UP THE WALL ON THE LADDER.
UH-OH!
IT'S SO WINDY!
IT'S SO WINDY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )