Couple days ago, I went to the store
to buy a bottle of wine, 'cause clearly,
I sit down to pee.
And,
it's easier, okay?
You can play on Facebook, it's great.
That's not the point.
I got the bottle that I wanted,
I went to the counter,
I put it on the counter,
as you do for purchases.
And then, the lady looked at me,
and she looked at the wine,
and she looked back at me,
and she goes,
"Hah, no!
(audience laughs)
"Mm-mm!"
(audience laughs)
That was it,
that was the whole transaction.
That's not protocol, okay?
You don't just get to go, "No, mm-mm!"
(audience laughs)
You at least gotta look at
my ID before you say no.
I was upset, right?
I wasn't mad that she thought
I was underaged, I get it.
I look 17 at best, all right?
I look like a
To Catch a Predator bait child.
(audience laughs)
Like my whole job is just to set you up
so I can call Chris Hansen and be like,
"He's in the kitchen,
"he thought I was getting cookies!
"Go get him, he's being weird!"
(audience laughs)
I know,
I've had this face my whole life,
it'd be weird if I didn't, right?
It'd be weird if I Benjamin Buttoned,
if I went old to this, it'd be goofy.
But it's been this, the whole time.
I wasn't mad that
she thought I was underaged,
but I was upset that
she thought an underaged person
would be buying wine.
(audience laughs)
In what world do you live in, Karen,
(audience laughs)
where some 17-year-old dude
is showing up
to this house party like,
(imitates kicking door in)
"Y'all not gonna believe this!
"I got Pinot Grigio!
(audience laughs)
"Yeah!
"Pew pew pew pew!
"Got that Grigio!
"Hand me the beer bong,
"I'm gonna funnel this Moscato!
"Yeah!
"Let's do shots of chardonnay,
"let's start a book club!"
(audience laughs)
One dude's like,
"Let's read 'The Secret!'"
"Nah, Chad, you gotta go.
(audience laughs)
"How'd you get the address
"to this party?
(audience laughs)
"You and your flute gotta leave."
(audience laughs)
It frustrated me.
It frustrated me that she thought
an underaged person would drink wine,
'cause that's not a young people drink.
You know what I mean?
Not one time in your entire life
can you tell me a time where
you've seen a 17-year-old dude
be like, (sniffs)
(audience laughs)
(smacking lips)
"Mmm, mm-mm-mm.
(smacking lips)
"Mmm, mm-mm.
(audience laughs)
"This Merlot pairs so well
"with the Doritos Locos Taco.
(audience laughs)
"Mm-mm-mm.
"It is just something about
"Zinfandels and a Hot Pocket,
(audience laughs)
"is to die for!"
(audience laughs)
That has never happened, okay?
(audience laughs)
You don't know a 17-year-old
that owns a corkscrew, okay?
That is a psychopath.
(audience laughs)
How many bottles are you popping?
I'd rather you ID me
for buying a corkscrew
than for buying wine.
(audience laughs)
I think there's two things alcohol-wise
we should stop IDing for, altogether,
wine and bourbon.
Yeah.
'Cause no matter how old you you are,
if you're drinking them,
you've earned it.
(audience laughs)
Think about it.
If you're drinking wine, clearly,
you have a lot of emotions,
you're going through some things.
(audience laughs)
And if you're drinking bourbon,
you have no emotions,
you've been through some things!
(audience laughs)
You've earned it.
Now, people always ask me
if this bracelet is one of those copper,
magnetic healing bracelets.
They're like, "Oh, does that thing work?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Oh yeah man,
"I was in a wheelchair last week.
(audience laughs)
"This thing's been
"kicking some butt for me,
"now lemme tell you.
(audience laughs)
"I'm gonna put it on
"this arm next week!
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
"Actually, I better take it off soon,
"I don't wanna get too better.
(audience laughs)
"That might mess up my gig!
(audience laughs)
"I'd have to tell corny white guy jokes,
"I dunno."
(audience laughs)
Thank you, man.
(audience laughs)
I gotta say, this has gotta be
the best Make a Wish ever.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Thanks for playing along, it's really...
(audience laughs)
I'm sure you can all write this off.
(audience laughs)
It is fun, man, I love telling jokes.
(audience laughs)
I do a lot of shows.
I travel all over
this beautiful country of ours,
and I've been seeing more
handicap-accessible stuff
going in everywhere.
Yeah, that's great,
really needed.
But I gotta tell you,
as a physically disabled person,
I kinda feel obligated to use that stuff.
(audience laughs)
You know how awkward that is
when I'm on a date,
and I have to use the ramp?
(audience laughs)
"I'll be there in a minute babe.
(audience laughs)
"This Walgreens is up on a hill, I dunno.
(audience laughs)
"Oh, honey, let me get the door for ya!"
(audience laughs)
Who says chivalry is dead, huh?
(audience laughs)
Do you have any single people here?
Any single ladies in the house?
(audience laughing)
Are you single?
- [Audience Member] No.
- No, do we have any
single ladies in the house?
Any single ladies?
Gotta have one.
One over there,
what's your name young lady?
- [Audience Member] Ariel.
- Ariel?
Oh, that's part of it.
I.
(audience laughing)
"You're dating a fish?"
"No, she's a person."
Everybody calm down, all right?
Her name's Ariel.
(audience laughing)
Ariel, what do you look for in a guy?
First thing you look for in a guy, Ariel.
- Nothing.
(audience laughing)
- You should, how are you still single?
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
Everybody here has
something I'm believing.
That's good though, stay single.
It's nice.
- [Ariel] I don't need him.
- Yeah right, you don't need him?
Right, do we have any single guys here?
Any single guys?
Single gentlemen?
Anybody?
Where the single guys at?
Single right here?
Single, what's your name buddy?
- [Audience Member] I'm Jake.
- You're Jake
shocking, you look like a Jake.
If I were to guess.
(audience laughing)
Does this guy not look like
the Wikipedia version of Jake?
(audience laughing)
If there was ever a Jake, it would be you.
(audience laughing)
This guy looks like
the Boise State quarterback over here,
Jake over here,
just catch the ball please.
(audience laughing)
Jake, what do you look for
in a young lady, Jake?
- Kind.
- Kind?
- [Jake] Yeah.
- Ughh.
(audience laughing)
- [Jake] Is that not right?
- No, you're a liar, Jake.
You don't look for kindness, Jake.
(audience laughing)
I found somebody with nothing.
I found somebody, Jake's over here.
(audience laughing)
He's got nothing.
(audience laughing)
Ariel, right here, found Jake.
(audience laughing)
Let me know if you wanna
go hiking or something.
Jake's over there.
(audience laughing)
I'll bring snacks.
(audience laughing)
I want nothing.
(audience laughing)
I want you to show up with nothing Jake.
(audience laughing)
Stay single bro, it's way easier man.
Are you guys dating over here dating?
- [Audience Members] Married.
- Married, ughh.
(audience laughing)
Could you imagine?
(audience laughing)
How long you guys are married for?
- 12 years.
- [Kabir] 12 years,
how did you guys meet?
- Through friends.
- Through friends?
White peoples' stuff.
All right, no big deal.
(audience laughing)
Only white people
have friends by the way, nobody else.
(audience laughing)
I have a girlfriend that was awful,
we've been going out for four years,
we hate each other.
(audience laughing)
She will say the meanest stuff to me,
but I can't break up with her
'cause I'm not going back to the gym.
(audience laughing)
They're running in there, Jake.
(audience laughing)
My girlfriend and I,
we just went on vacation together.
We got in this huge fight
in the hotel room
and she went to level three to flip out,
ladies, you know what that is?
Yelling, crying, throwing stuff.
(audience laughing)
In the hotel room.
She starts threatening me.
She was like,
"I'm gonna jump out the window."
(audience laughing)
She's like,
"I'm gonna jump out the window
"'cause of the way you
"make me feel, I hate you."
I was like, "Oh snap."
(audience laughing)
I panicked, I run downstairs
and wake up the manager.
I'm like, "Hey man, wake up,
"me and my girlfriend just
"got into this huge fight."
He's like, "That's not my problem."
(audience laughing)
"But then look man,
"I don't think you get it.
"She wants to jump out the window.
"She's going nuts, I need your help."
He's like, "That's not my problem."
I was like, "It is your problem.
"The window is stuck.