- [Anders] I got a skateboarding celebrity
right here for ya, Blake Henderson.
Champion of the ramp.
- What's up, brajettes?
Very gnar to meet you.
♪ We gotta, we gotta, we gotta ♪
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- You guys ready to get weird tonight, or what?
- Fur sure.
- Oh ho, lookin' straight grizzly.
- Bitch better have my honey!
- Oh, ooh, bear puns, I like those.
- Dude, I can't believe
you spent your entire paycheck on that jacket.
- Well, I didn't spend my entire paycheck.
I made 350, and Karl gave me a deal on the coat.
345!
- [Adam] That's good, that's a good deal.
- So you saved five bucks.
Way to go.
- Well, I invested my savings in a little bottle of Ipecac.
It's the stuff that makes you barf?
- Smart move.
- Basically a get out of work free pass.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Hey, buddy.
I couldn't help but overhear you
being a little nervous Nelly Furtado.
- Yeah, I guess. - You need a friend?
- Oh nah, meh, no, don't do it.
- Blake, try it once, man.
Look at me, man.
I got it all figured out, buddy.
- Did it cause your eye to do that, or?
- No, I was born with that.
- Oh okay, then yeah, I'll give it a shot.
I wish this was real.
(both laughing)
- He would've murdered her.
- Hey, it's Blake right?
- Who the (bleep) is this?
- I saw you on campus earlier, and I've gotta say,
pretty convincing French police officer.
- Thank you.
- How'd you like to be the understudy of Javert
in this year's production of "Les Mis?"
- Understudy?
How 'bout you study under my nutsack.
- [Karl] Oh!
- Right under there.
- There it is. - There it is.
- Sorry, is that a no?
- Fritz, life is a stage!
- Correct.
- Smoke weed until you die.
- That's right, that's right.
- Now why don't you go direct yourself over
to the Snack Shack and get daddy some Airheads?
- Bounce, man.
- Okay I will bounce, thank you, bye.
- That was good, man.
Acting's for chicks anyways.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- [Blake] Come on, I wanna show you something, come on.
Jesus, are you kidding me, come on!
- Guys?
I'm sorry, but you can't be in here.
We've got rehearsal in about five minutes.
- And I need but four, okay?
This is Mr. Buckley, Rancho Cucamonga acting legend,
have you heard of him?
- No.
- Well, we would like to perform a scene from his play,
which I'm sure you've heard of, MacBreath.
- Fine. - Excellent.
(Blake laughs)
- What are you doing?
- All right everybody, I will be playing the role of Angela,
and he shall be playing the role of MacBreath, our hero.
Our scene starts in a crowded bus.
Angela enters.
Excuse me?
Pardon me.
- Blake, I can't do this.
- Oh, excuse me, pardon me.
- I can't do this without drugs.
- Excuse me!
Excuse me!
- Here, take my seat.
- Oh you are too kind.
I'm Angela.
- I'm Leonard, Angela,
but everyone calls me MacBreath.
- MacBreath?
- In seventh grade, we played spin the bottle,
and it landed on Jen DiAngelo.
We kissed, and then she told me my breath
smelled like McDonald's cheeseburgers.
Then she got everyone to chant,
"MacBreath, MacBreath, MacBreath!"
I curse you, Jen DiAngelo!
I curse you with all the venom of my heart!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
(chair clatters)
- Well, I like cheeseburgers!
And I think the name MacBreath is cool!
- You do?
- Let me smell your breath, MacBreath.
- If you must.
(exhales deeply)
- Mm.
I'm loving it.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Do we have anyone else reading for Hamlet?
- One more!
- Get on with it. - Thanks.
Okay before I start, this boomerang has like knife edges.
Back off, easy.
(Blake choking)
(Blake grunting)
(Blake screaming)
Back up!
All right?
I'm not from here!
I'm from a goddamn prison colony,
so unless you want a little bit of what he just got--
- I'm sorry, what scene are you doing?
- This is from "Crocodile Dundee IV: The New Class."
It's an original script.
- And are you even a student here?
- Not technically sir, no.
But, I will do anything to be a star.
- You are a very bad actor,
and we would never use you in a production.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Hello, and welcome!
(all clapping)
I am the resident magician, Magic Blake,
and this is my beautiful assistant, Magic Karl.
We start off with a card trick.
You sir, what's your name?
Let me guess, Waymond.
How'd I know?
Go ahead and pick a card, Waymond.
Okay, what is the card?
Don't tell me.
Actually, don't you ever tell me, all right?
Put it back in the deck.
Anywhere in the deck.
Now, Magic Karl's gonna go to the other side of the stage,
and I'm gonna go to the other other side of the stage,
and visualize the card.
Oh now please, please make sure that my assistant,
Magic Karl, is placing that deck very, very far away.
Distract 'em, distract 'em.
Okay, so I'm just visualizing.
Nothing to see really over here,
it's just me thinking, visualizing, boring.
(crowd gasping) Okay.
And what did, okay, whoa!
Okay, whoa.
What are you doing, what are you do, what are you doing?
- I'm just doing what feels right.
- Okay, okay. - Okay?
- This is not right, please put your penis away, Karl.
- Fine, god, fine! - This is a family show.
- [Karl] There's no kids here, is there?
- Well, I'm just saying we need to have that option.
All right, stop.
And I visualized this.
Queen of hearts, what do you say, Waymond?
Is that your card?
No?
Okay, there had to be a mixup somewhere--
- Hiyah!
This is my show now, baby.
They wanna see my dick!
- Helicopter your wang!
- You got it, buddy.
That's what I wanna do!
- Stop, guys, next trick, Karl get in the box, please.
- No, you get in the box, man.
This is puppetry of the penis.
It's so hot right now, they love it!
- This is my show, Karl, please.
If you could just please get in the box.
- You get in the box! - Don't do that!
- Get in the box, man! - Come on, don't touch me!
Karl, stop!
Please, this is my show.
- Woo! - Please!
- Shh.
- [Blake] Stop encouraging him, please.
Where is he?
This is not part of the show, please.
Where are you, Karl?
(Blake screaming) (Karl laughing)
(audience cheering)
What was that?
(audience applauds)
- Okay, I'm done.
You can do your next trick now.
(Blake sobs)
And back to Magic Blake!
- I'm gonna kill you, you stupid idiot.
I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you!
That's not magic.
- [Karl] I'm sorry, dude.
- I'll cut your freakin' dick off, then.
My eye itches.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take
a short five minute intermission.
- Why does it itch, is it bleeding?
Is it bleeding? - It's fine.
- Why did you do that?
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Hey, Karl, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey man.
I am so sorry about, you know, telling those guys
that you wanted to chop off your hog.
Kinda threw ya under the bus there.
Threw your dick under the bus.
- Dude, it's all good.
We're gonna make a movie.
- What are you gonna do with it
after you, ya know, slice it off?
- I don't know, man.
I mean, I guess I'll just barbecue it up
and feed it to my dogs.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what if...
You know, let me know if this is too weird.
You know, hey Blake,
go back to daydream world with that idea.
- Blake!
You can have my dick.
- You're serious?
- I'm so serious.
(both laugh)
- I'm gonna get a new dick! - Yeah.
You're gonna get a new dick.
- [Blake] Oh, that one, I want it!
- It's yours, bro. - I want it now!
I wish I could have it now.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- [Anders] Whoa, check out this guy.
- I didn't do it, don't arrest me.
- Can I help you, occifer?
- It's my costume for the pole dancing class
I'm taking up at the rec center?
- That's a good way to meet babes.
- It's a good way to keep the body in shape,
and yes, I have met some friends who are ladies.
Cheryl, Penny, Laurie.
We're all gonna make homemade pizzas later.
- Sounds good.
So wait, everyone wears a cop outfit or what?
- Oh no, no, no, this is just
something fresh I'm bringing to the table.
Thinkin' I might change the game though,
after they see this little routine.
Check it out, buckle up.
Freeze!
I'mma need you to spread 'em.
- I like it so far. - Yeah.
(rock music)
- Oh! - Hello!
(both yell)
- Wait a second, where'd I put my?
Oh there it is.
Eyes down here, fellas.
Eyes down here.
- Seriously dude, you got a pretty good dick.
♪ S-S-Star c-come alive ♪
♪ This beat like this to make me smile ♪
- Oh, got me.
Oh, oh yeah.
No, you don't need to--
- All right.
- [Adam] Oh yeah, I don't know what that's all about.
- Officer, you're under arrest!
- [Anders] Hey, whoa, this is the chessboard!
Wait, we're in the middle of a game!
♪ Put your hands up ♪
- My teacher says if you don't sweat in your crack,
you're not doing it right.
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Hey oh, cat in the dog house.
Check it out!
- Wow, what's that big dumb stupid thing?
- Yeah. - Mommy made a cat tower.
- Yeah, and we decided that this is officially
Denny's home, so you'll be seeing a lot more of me.
Where are the keys?
- I don't know how to feel about that,
but beer for my buddy.
- Thanks, dude.
- Hit that there.
- Pipe it up with my amigos.
- Oh wow, does Daddy think it's a good idea
to smoke in front of Denny's?
- Uh yeah, actually, you know what?
I'm good off that.
- For real?
- Yeah, I've gotta pass on grass tonight.
- We are gonna go out though, right?
- Right?
- Right.
You don't care, right?
- Oh me?
No, go have fun with Uncy Adam and Uncy Ders.
- Uncy Adam, Uncy Ders, I like that.
All right!
- Boys night!
(Adam meowing)
- Bye, cat!
- All right, bye sweetie, okay?
Sweet dreams, you have fun with Mommy, all right?
- Be good. - Hey.
- Look at this.
Oh my, that dirty dog. - What?
- Then I pull out her little can of cat food,
and she makes this face at me, ah!
(women swooning)
Yeah, I know, and I'm like, did I rescue her
or did she rescue me, you know?
- Oh, yes. - That's so philosophical.
- She has the sweetest little face.
- Doesn't she?
- That goofy tongue isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen.
- Okay, okay, watch out.
- Talkin' 'bout that cat.
- I'm about to aggressively kiss a girl by surprise.
- Wait no no, hang on, hang on.
- I'm in love. - That's adorable.
- Hey, well if you guys wanna meet that darn cat,
why don't you just come back to our place?
We're his roommates.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, heck yeah.
Sure, we could probably wake her up and say hi.
Sure, yeah. - Yeah.
(Adam squealing)
- Welcome to my house.
- Hey, look at the time.
It's already wine 30.
- Ha, wine 30.
- You guys are just about, I'd say eight minutes away
from drinking the smoothest 2014 brose mangria you ever had.
Here we go.
- Oh, look at it go!
- Where's that cat?
I'm not dying to meet it or anything.
- Can we wake her up?
- It's a miracle you haven't already.
- Jillian, hey Mommy.
- Don't you hey Mommy me, Daddy.
Barging in here with these whores,
like the beginning of some crude stag film!
Just 10 feet away from where your cat sleeps!
- Okay. - Oh hey, hey.
We heard all about Denny's,
and we just wanted to meet her.
- Oh, did ya?
Did ya hear about Denny's?
Do you have any cats?
No, no I didn't think so.
Because if you did, you wouldn't be dressed like sluts,
and following home strange men to pound mangria.
Blake, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?
- Mm-hmm, yup.
- We're not strange.
- Yeah, we're very not strange.
- By the way, we are just minutes away
from the mangria, ladies.
- Yeah, so you know, we didn't wake her up,
and I didn't think--
- Yeah, that's right Blake.
You didn't think.
Denny's was left for dead in a dumpster,
and you didn't think that maybe you shouldn't abandon her
on the first night of being her daddy?
- Hey, I mean I just figured, you know,
you're such a good mommy--
- Don't you patronize me!
- Okay, how would I patronize you
when I don't even know what that means, okay?
What do you want from me?
- I want you to be a good daddy,
not some whore-mongering night owl!
- Hey, all right?
At least those whores
aren't crazy.
- Oh, oh that's right, because I'm crazy, right?
- Oh yeah!
- Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm crazy.
You know what, I'll show you crazy.
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no, throw 'em all over the place, Jillian,
you freakin' psycho!
Don't you throw the nice plastic plates!
- Denny's, because she needs one!
- These were from Anders' birthday, okay?
No, let me help ya!
Let me help ya!
Just throw 'em all over the place,
'cause I work at a goddamn dead end job!
I got the shortest straw, didn't I, when I got you?
You're throwing plates!
(Denny's meows)
- She's awake now, Denny's! - Oh come on!
- Denny's! - Oh come on!
So, last night.
I was drunk, I said some things, it was stupid.
I didn't mean it, all right?
- I don't hate you, Blake. - Okay.
- I don't want Denny's to hate you,
which is why I think we should do a joint custody.
I get her on the weekdays, you get the weekends.
- Yes! - Great.
- But actually, it's Friday,
so that's kinda technically the start of the weekend, so.
- I didn't think about that. - Yeah.
- Here's her stuff.
These are her toys. - Yeah.
- And this is her catnip.
- I know, I know.
- Carry it around at all times.
- Yeah.
- Oh, and she only eats
off of a Frisbee, it's the craziest--
- Yeah, I know!
Okay, I know, I know she eats off a Frisbee, yes.
I know my--
- Everything okay here?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Everything's cool, Bill, thanks.
She's with Daddy now, and I know how to take care of her.
- Bye, Daddy.