[Music: I want a rennaisance/ to shine a light/ be the change we want/ set thing right/ we've
been waiting in the dark for so long]
For most people articulating your emotions might be uncomfortable or embarrassing, but
they can do it if they try.
But for some people simply identifying what it is that you’re feeling can seem impossible,
and expressing your emotions is like trying to jump to the moon.
Before I really get into it, I want to mention Cynthia Kim’s excellent post, “Emotional
Dysfunction: Alexithymia and ASD” and thank her for her excellent work breaking down the
topic into more accessible pieces and for her insight that informed this video.
Unlike many of my other video topics, right now Alexithymia is not widely considered a
condition or disorder by the psychiatric field, but a personality construct or a kind of theory
used to describe people who have trouble verbalising emotions.
While difficulty verbally expressing your emotions is a big part of Alexithymia, there
is a bit more to it.
So, what is it like to have Alexithymia?
I don’t have it myself, so I had to reach out to a lot of people who do in my research
for this video, including my husband, Marvin.
I also read a lot and I’ll link my sources in the video description box.
As I talk about this it’s good to keep in mind that every person is unique so their
experience will be too, and that there are degrees in which people experience Alexithymia.
So, what experiences are common amongst people who have Alexithymia?
Difficulty distinguishing between emotions and bodily sensations is common in people
with Alexithymia, difficulty identifying the emotions you are feeling, and difficulty expressing
your emotions to other people.
Many people with Alexithymia will also be stimulus-seekers and may think and process
best when they can interact with their environment and externally work through things.
I find that, anecdotally, a lot of people who have Alexithymia are kinaesthetic learners
who do best when they can be hands-on.
Some autistic people I’ve spoken to believe that they didn’t always have Alexithymia,
but they developed it when their attempts to express themselves or emote were met with
disdain, disapproval, or anger from non-autistic people in their lives.
Other autistic people believe that they have always had Alexithymia and that it is just
another feature of how their brain works.
And I should note that you don’t have to be autistic to have Alexithymia.
When it comes to living with Alexithymia some people really struggle with it and others
don’t mind.
I only consider Alexithymia a problem when the person with Alexithymia themselves considers
it a problem.
People with Alexithymia may have something known as “flat affect”.
This can look a lot like speaking in a monotonous voice or without much inflection of tone.
It can also present as atypical facial expression, the most common presentation being “flat”
or very subtle facial expressions.
You can also have a flat affect without having Alexithymia, something sometimes seen in autistic
people, and it’s possible to have a flat affect at some times and not others.
I do when I am very nervous, or under-stimulated, or in an environment with unfamiliar people.
A person who has flat affect has the same potential to experience the same vast range
of human emotions as everyone else.
They may just not be able to identify or express their emotions, or they may just express it
through different facial expressions or tone of voice, or not at all.
It’s important to remember that Alexithymia is a real, that it can be a real struggle
to live with, so you should never get angry at someone for their Alexithymia.
This especially goes for children- children with Alexithymia or flat affect need a safe
environment where they feel free to express themselves, to work through their internal
input, and figure out how best to cope with the way their brain works.
You should never punish or shame a child for having Alexithymia or for struggling with
things that come easily to you.
Some people reported to me that their Alexithymia affects their ability to empathise, specifically
in regards to cognitive empathy.
Without going into much into detail, as empathy is its whole own video, there are two major
components to empathy: affective and cognitive.
Cognitive empathy, which many autistic people report that they struggle with, is when you
take the place of someone else to guess or determine their emotional state, what people
often call “standing in their shoes” or “seeing things from their perspective”.
Alexithymia can complicate an autistic person’s attempts to guess what other people are feeling
as emotions, in general, can be a realm of mystery.
There are no known medications or medical treatments for alexithymia.
Some people have found skill-based psychotherapy to be helpful, types such as Cognitive Mindfulness
and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, as these therapy programs encourage people to practice
introspection and to identify emotions in themselves or others.
Other more structured therapies that people have reported helpful include art therapy,
music therapy focusing on songs with lyrics, and dance and movement therapy.
That last one makes sense to me as many people, autistic and not, report that they are able
to process their thoughts or emotions better during or after physical activity- for example,
going for a walk to think things over and cool off.
Anything that encourages people to check in with themselves throughout the day and to
work through their thoughts externally can help grow and develop a person’s ability
to identify and understand their own emotions and physical feelings.
Journalling is really great for that.
Marvin has a giant stack of journals that he’s kept through the years.
They’re just wire-bound Hilroy notebooks but the benefit is in sitting down and writing,
preferably every day for best results.
Although it can be hard for people with Alexithymia to move to move beyond writing about daily
events, I’ve heard from some people that, with effort and practice, they report that
expressive writing begins to come easier and that they see positive real-world effects
in their daily life.
They’re able to identify their own thoughts and emotions.
If a person with Alexithymia wants to challenge their brain to make new connections, one of
the best ways to do that is by reading anything focused on narrative and expressive language-
namely fiction.
Especially novels and graphic novels.
And my personal recommendation, if you’re into this sort of thing, ‘cause it's fun,
is to try roleplaying.
Roleplaying is all about expressive language, emotion, and narrative.
My personal favourite ways to role-play are through tabletop gaming, like Dungeons and
Dragons, or online multiplayer games.
Other people I know do like to do live-action role-playing, or LARPing, at renaissance fairs,
murder mystery parties, or pop culture conventions.
I think if you do it right, it could be a great way to practice identifying and expressing
emotion in a really fun and safe place.
If your child or student has Alexithymia, there are some ways that you can make a safe
space and set an example.
You can also remind them to check in with their own feelings and to practice expressing
them.
Some ideas of ways to do this are:
- Teaching your child to check for body signals and physical sensations for clues as to what
they are feeling.
While Alexithymia can make organising and interpreting physical feelings difficult too,
it’s often helpful to learn what certain physical feelings mean.
For example, when Marvin is stressed an old injury of his gets tight and has pain, while
fear can make some people sick to their stomach, and anxiety can produce tension headaches.
A person who is angry may feel hot, and may need to move their body, which can look like
grinding their teeth or clenching their hands.
A person who is nervous may have sweaty palms or a dry mouth and they may startle easily.
A shy person may blush and stammer, and blushing feels very warm around the face and neck.
A happy person will giggle or smile, or a person who is happy may feel light, energetic,
and engaged in what they are doing.
- It’s good to talk about your emotions often, frankly, and in simple terms.
Point out when you notice what you are feeling.
F example,
“Wow, I was so hungry!
No wonder I was acting cranky”, or, “Am I blushing?
I must be embarrassed,” or, “I feel sad because I miss spending time
with her.”
- Be straightforward and use simple terms when helping a child with Alexithymia identify
their emotions too.
Don’t ask too many questions at one time, and give plenty of time to process and answer.
- Remember that there is no wrong answer to “How do you feel?” and that any attempt
to express emotion or interpret it in others should be met with encouragement and support.
- Be patient too, and remember that Alexithymia varies in degree of severity and can fluctuate
over the course of a person’s life.
Some people with Alexithymia may never get much better at all this “feeling” stuff,
but if they have the desire to try, patience and consistency is usually required to see
results.
- You can ask the child with Alexithymia how they feel about a specific event or thing.
When you do that you could offer a suggestion, which is a good way to learn the patterns
of emotion and expression.
For example, you can ask,
“Are you sad that Milo ate the last cookie?”, or,
“Are you more sad or more angry that Milo ate the last cookie?”, or,
“If I had wanted that cookie I would be disappointed.
How do you feel about it?”
I already said this, but it’s worth saying again- Alexithymia is real and it’s really
tough to learn to work around.
And there is no wrong way to feel, and so any response should be acknowledged and appreciated.
That includes those like “I don’t know”, “I can’t tell”, “I don’t understand”,
answers presented with flat affect or “inappropriate” expression or tone, or an answer that you
yourself wouldn’t give.
As a side note, I don’t believe that it’s fair to say that anyone’s emotion is ever
inappropriate.
- When it comes to adults with Alexithymia, respect their challenges and believe them
when they tell you about their experiences.
- If your friend has trouble telling you how they are feeling or how they feel about a
certain topic do your best not to take it personally.
Even if that topic is you.
- People with Alexithymia can have and want friends, but friendship isn’t a cure for
neurology or the way you think, and so emotions and expression remains difficult.
The same goes for romantic relationships for people with Alexithymia too.
Feel free to express how you feel, to ask how your partner feels, and to be open and
honest.
The key is to know that you don’t have to doubt their love if they struggle with how
to express it- it’s there, and it’s real.
The expression, the identification, the naming is the hard part.
- If you are a teacher, professor, or employer, consider letting people have the option to
“pass” on emotion- or expression-based ice breaker games.
This created a more accessible environment for autistic people and people with Alexithymia.
This is the end!
I hope that this video was informative for everyone watching, For sources and further
reading check out the video description box.
If you have Alexithymia, I’d like to know- what would you like people to know about your
experience?
You can join in the discussion in the comment section under this video.
And if you have a topic that you would like to see covered in a future Ask an Autistic
episode feel free to post it in the comment section as well.
And finally, here’s a brief note to let you all know that I finally have a Patreon
page!
This has been suggested to me by many viewers, so thank you!
If you would like to help support my channel whenever a new video comes out, head over
to my Patreon page.
And thank you for watching Ask an Autistic.
[Music: I want a rennaisance/ to shine a light/ be the change we want/ set thing right/ we've
been waiting in the dark for so long]