I met, um... Like I said, I meet a lot of people.
I met a woman after a show recently. They're allowed at my shows. And...
[audience laughs]
See? They're here. And, uh...
[audience laughs]
She came up to me and she was like... [giggles]
[audience laughs]
-It's a very specific woman, all right? -[audience laughs]
I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression.
Everybody's like, "I know who you're talking about right now."
[audience laughs]
'Cause every city has....
[giggles]
[audience laughs]
You know my favorite part of that woman?
If you go, "Why are you laughing?" She'll go, "I'm not." [giggles]
[audience laughs]
Okay.
So, she comes up to me and she goes, "Funny show." [grunts]
And I go, "Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it." So, I go...
[audience laughs]
I go, "Thank you."
"Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?"
And I was like, "Ugh."
[audience laughs]
I said, "I'm probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I'm not gonna..."
[audience laughs]
She goes, "Yeah, I get it." And I was like, "Good."
[audience laughs]
Then she goes, "I'm super horny." And I go, "Okay."
She goes, "I'm horny the way guys are." And I go, "No, you're not."
[audience laughs]
Then she goes, "Yeah... I am."
[audience laughs]
And I said, "You're really not."
And she goes, "Yeah, why do you say that?"
And I said, "Let me tell you a little story.
[audience laughs]
When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this.
I looked 47 years old."
[audience laughs]
It was alarming to other students.
[audience laughs]
They would see me, and they'd be like,
"Are you a fuckin' administrator here or something?"
I'd be like, "I'm a freshman. I'm 18."
And they're like, "You're a narc, that's what you are."
[audience laughs]
This is my birth face, man. I'm 41 Jump Street. So...
[audience laughs]
With this face, came great responsibility.
I bought alcohol for our entire dorm.
I don't mean three or... Everybody. It wasn't even a challenge.
I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores,
they'd be like, "Hello, sir. How's the stock market today?" Shit like that.
[audience laughs]
I bought booze. Everybody got booze.
I did the same thing with pornography.
Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, "Why would you do that?
You could just watch it in your dorm room online."
Well, the story takes place in 1997, and...
[audience laughs]
there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth.
[audience laughs]
I don't know if you remember the late '90s or were even around,
but porn in the late '90s was like, "Ah. Hm."
[audience laughs]
"Ah. Hm."
Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, "Ah. Hm."
Now... keep in mind, I'm not buying porn for a couple buddies.
It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college.
You can't wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were.
[audience laughs]
I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash
and their wish list.
They'd be like, "I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don't fuck it up."
-I was like, "All right." -[audience laughs]
Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like
walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like...
[audience laughs]
"Mom said not to forget." [fakes laughter]
[audience laughs]
So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn.
And the owner of the store comes up to me.
"You should go to this other store."
And I'm like, "That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man."
[audience laughs]
So I go, "Why?" And he just goes, "I just think you'll like it."
And so I go, "Okay."
I go. He sends me to…
I don't know if you've ever been to a cement-block building
with no sign or address.
The kind of building that's like, "I don't know. You fuckin' guess what's in here."
[audience laughs]
Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt.
Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform
for the last guy you'll ever see. Now…
[audience laughs]
this guy…
is behind the counter.
He looks up and sees me.
And the first words out of his mouth are,
"Piss fetish?"
-And I go, "What? -[audience laughs]
No."
And he goes, "Oh, I got a full bladder.
Don't want to waste it."
And I go, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Is that what you do around here?"
And he goes, "Among other things."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Well, then, show me around.
-Let me see what else you have." You know? -[audience laughs]
I don't want to be closed-minded. So we go through the store.
He shows me movies and toys.
He goes, "We got a booth. You can put in a quarter."
And I go, "Yeah, I got it."
[audience laughs]
And he goes, "But this here's our VIP.
And you'll notice, there's a hole in the wall.
And if you're standing in there,
someone might stick their finger through that hole.
And they'll go just… like… this.
And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole,
and [clicks tongue] someone will suck it on the other side.
[audience laughs]
And my dumb ass goes, "Is it a guy or a girl?"
[audience laughs]
He goes, "You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?"
[audience laughs]
So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me.
And fear shooting down my spine.
As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty.
So I said…
[audience laughs]
"I''ll just take my movies. Thanks."
So lady, when you say you're horny "the way guys are,"
I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building
and wait behind a wall
for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall?
And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah,
polish it off for the love of the game?
Because that's what savages men are.
[audience cheering and clapping]
And she goes, "Yeah. I'm not that horny." And I go, "I know."
[audience laughs]
See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are.
If you're a woman here with a man right now,
you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth.
-And honestly… -[audience laughs]
I'm no better.
If he had answered my question differently… "Is that a guy or a girl?"
He went, "I don't know." I'd be like, "I don't fuckin' know either, so…"
[audience laughs]
"She's got a rough chin on her, for sure.
Where'd you go, man? I don't see you anywhere." All right.
I lost some of you on that one. That's how that goes.
-So… -[audience laughs]
I see. Some women are like, "Mm-mm.
[audience laughs]
My man would never do that." Okay. Sure.
[audience laughs]
You want to know how big of a pig your man is?