The day I met her I knew she was different. Quiet and cautious, I was aware
of her in my audience at a conference I was speaking at. She was dressed in a
bland outfit to fit in and showed little or no emotion with the morning events.
She disappeared after the talk, but two days later, she sent an email asking me
what I knew about brainwashing. Brainwashing is a form of emotional
abuse that isn't understood well or talked about. It's one of those ambiguous
topics that's difficult to define, but clearly keeps victims trapped in a
prison of fear. Brainwashing isn't limited to intimate relationships, but
the relationship often becomes intimate due to the effects brainwashing has on
the victim. It's a technique used to control, often used by those who cannot
tolerate anyone who disagrees with them. Brainwashers convince themselves the
world would be a better place if everyone thought and acted like they do.
Brainwashing can happen in any environment from cults to dating, even in
marriage. There are many brainwashing techniques; for example, gaslighting a
term coined in the 1930s that has become popular lately, is a technique that makes
the victim lose all confidence in themselves and question their own sanity.
In the first video, I'm going to give you seven other tactics an abuser may use
to gain control for brainwashing. In the second video, I'll explain why victims
succumb to brainwashing, and how a victim can escape a twisted false reality.
Before anything else, an abuser first strives to control your environment.
That's why the first technique I'm going to mention is isolation. Abusers isolate
their victims from family and friends. If the abuser can't isolate you, then it's
unlikely they will stick around you. Therefore, if you have a close support
network, they will not succeed. Friends and family will point out things they
don't like about the abuser or how you act around the abuser.
Essentially, your support network is your reality check against what the
abuser wants you to believe. So here are some signs that an abuser is trying to
isolate you: (1) they find fault with your friends or family, making you feel like
you don't want to be like them or be with them. (2) They act jealous of others and
accuse you of being sexually attracted to people you encounter, causing you to
want to go out less. (3) They introduce you to another group of friends who they say
is superior to your friends. This group of friends is essentially an
environment they can control. (4) They act like such a great person that your
friends can't believe your abuser is dangerous. Many brainwashers, including
cult leaders, are extremely charismatic and charming with others but
disrespectful and mean when they're alone with you. (5) They create a fictional,
romantic world for the two of you. They may call you their soulmate or, if
they're married, they promise to leave their spouse one day. A second technique
is called monopolization of perception, which is pretty straightforward. The
abuser monopolizes your attention. They may act like they love you so much they
can't bear to be away from you. They may even cause drama in your relationship to
make the relationship all-encompassing in your mind.
The abusers will try to get you to do things they like or approve of,
including watching certain shows, shopping at certain stores, or hanging
out with select friends. They will make it almost impossible to do things they
consider off-limits by texting you incessantly, showing up unexpectedly or
making you feel uncomfortable with your very own feelings. The danger with
brainwashing is that the abuser is very good at making you feel like you chose
to comply with them. After the abuser has controlled your environment, they will
try to weaken your resistance to their control. This is often achieved by misdirecting
your defenses. You become exhausted with your own introspection,
and you give in. The abuser may announce certain emotions are unacceptable or
make fun of you for feeling certain things. They might say that you have no
right to be angry or frightened, to cry, or to find humor in anything other than
sarcasm. They keep you busy meeting their high standards of beauty,
cleanliness, holiness, or parenting. They may add responsibilities to your life
that are above and beyond what is usually expected in a healthy
relationship. They may threaten to do something that you don't like or make
you feel horrible, like abruptly leaving a family event or saying something
embarrassing in public. Abusers may also give impossible or unreasonable
ultimatums. Not everything is cruelty and conflict with an abuser though. Another
technique of control is offering occasional indulgences. They may do
something especially kind or allow you temporary freedoms for being good or
complying with their demands. In the cycle of abuse, the period of indulgences
is known as the honeymoon period, which follows an episode of intense emotional
verbal or physical abuse. These intermittent treats happen when the
abuser feels they're pushing you too hard and senses that you've had enough
or are gaining insight into their pathology. Most abusers stalk you during
the relationship by using their friends or even your own family and friends. They
take credit for good things that happen to you. Your abuser may seem like he or
she's everywhere, and you do not have one second to yourself. Abusers also
will degrade or humiliate you, berating everything you say or do.
Nothing will stop the verbal punishment, and you begin feeling as though you deserve it.
Your abuser will find a way to destroy all joy in your life, unless they are the
ones providing. In in the occasional indulgences I mentioned, even the
simplest of hobbies like gardening and drawing will be attacked because your
abuser does not want you to express yourself in any way. To remove the joy
associated with a hobby, they will control how you do your hobbies. They
point out what's wrong with the way you do it - like if you're using the wrong
paint or the wrong fertilizer. Soon you don't enjoy anything because you're
convinced you aren't good at it. The last technique I'll mention is if the victim
confronts or resists the brainwashing, the abuser will immediately degrade them.
Abusers will make the victim feel humiliated, worthless, or inferior. Victims
often stay victims because they believe complying with their abuser will
preserve their own self-respect. They will go against their own values and
integrity to avoid being degraded by the abuser. The seven techniques I mentioned
have a detrimental effect on the victim's self-worth. The brain is washed clean of
any healthy. independent thinking, and any positive relationships you once held so
dear to your heart will be cut off. Rarely can the victims see reality
clearly at this point. However, if you're a victim of brainwashing, I'm telling you
you CAN get out, and you CAN reverse the effects. In my next video, I'll show you
how to escape a false reality and reclaim yourself.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.