>> STEPHEN: FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I'M OVER THERE, GATHERING THE
FINEST TAMAHAGANAI STEEL OF THE NEWS, SMELTED FROM IRON SANDS,
THEN HAMMERING AND FOLDING IT REPEATEDLY INTO THE HAND-FORGED
SAMURAI SWORD OF JOKES THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I LIKE TO TAKE AN OLD TOOTHBRUSH, FILE
DOWN THE PLASTIC ON THE SIDES TO A FINE POINT, AND WRAP THE
HANDLE IN DUCT TAPE AND RUBBER BANDS TO MAKE THE PRISON SHIV OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: ♪
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN LITIGIOUS LANGUAGE NEWS, "THE" OHIO STATE
UNIVERSITY WANTS TO TRADEMARK THE WORD "THE."
I KNOW CALLING IT "THE" OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY IS AN OLD
TRADITION, BUT I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH "THEE" BECAUSE WE'RE
"THE" LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF O.S.U. GETS THIS TRADEMARK,
I'LL HAVE TO BECOME "A" LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
OR "THAT LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" OR EVEN WORSE
"THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT--
GO BUCKEYES!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: JOHN LAMPLEY.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IF YOU'VE GOT $500,
GOOD NEWS, "OLIVE GARDEN JUST INTRODUCED A NEVER ENDING
"LIFETIME PASTA PASS."
AND ALSO CHANGED THEIR SLOGAN TO "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE
FAMILY AND THIS FAMILY HAS A VERY SHORT LIFE EXPECTANCY."
$500, I WOULD DO IT.t EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: CALL ME, OLIVE GARDEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, "LITTLE PENISES AND
OTHER TINY ARTIFACTS WERE DISCOVERED IN POMPEII."
OF COURSE, FINDING ANCIENT PENISES IS THE DREAM OF ANY
ARCHAEOLOGIST.
WHO CAN FORGET THIS FAMOUS DISCOVERY:lp
♪ ♪ATH
WHATEVER THEIR PURPOSE, KEEP DIGGING, ARCHEOLOGISTS.
REMEMBER, TAKING MAGIC AMULETS FROM A BURIAL SITE NEVER HURT
ANYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KIRSTEN DUNST.