What's poppin', moof milkers! Welcome back to Toygrind!
All right, it's December time, and we're all good and lathered up for our annual fix of
the ongoing Skywalker soap opera, so lets engage the hype drive and talk about Star Wars!
Might as well, right? I mean, as if jumping from three films every twenty years
to one new movie every single Christmas wasn't doing enough to permanently sandblast Star Wars
into the popular conscience, there's also the metric Bantha-load of homegrown overweight nerd shows
bulk-dropped onto the internet every nanoparsec,
so what do you say we float away with the rest of the garbage?
Now then, Star Wars toys. Do we even really need to intro this?
I mean, M.A.S.K. is old and isn't around anymore, and those Alien toys were so left-field!
All right, so, you know that Star Wars, right?
They do toys for that.
I know!
Now, I've mostly been kind of a bystander for Star Wars toys. Like, as a youngling I recall cousins and the
neighbourhood kids having like AT-ATs, and X-Wings, and Speeder Bikes, and Millennium Falcons,
and I was just like, "I've got this thing!"
But stay on target, 'cos today we're gonna keep it semi-current and fly casual with a
First Order Special Forces TIE Fighter from The Force Awakens!
Now, the TIE Fighter is, of course, a universally-adored Star Wars stock element,
and much as its design raises a lot of questions:
How does it fly? Where's the engine?
Are these wings or armour?
Has there ever been a TIE Fighter that didn't explode?
Oh my God!
But that's not the point. The point is it looks cool!
It's just a super-badass spacepunk scream-powered capital H
, and it goes waaAAAARRRGH!
Who cares how it works? Who cares if it's an irredeemable deathtrap
with no advantages and zero visibility?
aaRROoORRGH!
Anyway, this is the 2015 version so it's neither old enough to be vintage or new enough to be exciting.
More like, "oh, THOSE are still around?"
And it's looking absolutely moshpit-ready in this slick First Order hardcore black respray with a red bit!
As a grown-up, I'm kinda supposed to go for the high-end stuff.
It's like, after 30 you're expected to either go with Hot Toys or get a life.
Pff! Moi?
What I'm saying is, this isn't anything fancy. This is as normal as they come - no pretence,
no prestige, just a good old rough-and-tumble funtime flybox designed to be swooshed around
and bashed into stuff by six-year-olds.
Like, the plastic's definitely a tough little shell ball and you could definitely brain a womp rat with it.
And while these side panels might potentially be prone to shatterin' off into giant murder shards,
thankfully, they're spring-loaded - so no disintegrations!
Seriously, this thing's probably more durable than an actual TIE Fighter.
But that's not to say it's not pretty nice! Like, check it out with the classic ILM post-Space Odyssey detailing
on the pod bod and the wing walls and the arm struts,
with like a World War II bomber window and a secret Kylo Ren face up the bum end!
So for weapons you've got this one tiny dual blaster under here. Ooh, look out!
And these other two little blasters here are actually kinda genius,
'cos check it out, turns out they're actually missiles!
I actually kinda love this! 'Cos like, they're styled as green laser blasts, but also disguised
as the things that fire the green laser blasts!
Dude. Meta.
Plus, they're just the right size to make perfect little Transformer lightsabres!
Or it at least kinda looks like those crappy plastic telescopic lightsabres.
So like, a toy of a toy for toys?
The metachlorians are off the charts!
Anyway, let's have a look at yer mate. So this is the accompanying pack-in First Order TIE Fighter Pilot, or
and it seriously doesn't get much more basic. I mean, Star Wars guys are generally pretty simplistic,
but the appeal's in the character, right? Like, check it out, it's Bossk!
He's got no knees or waist or elbows, but it's Bossk!
But this fella doesn't even have that goin' on! He's just a 3 3/4" plain black
slightly crumpled Noob Saibot Stormtrooper
with five-point posing and a pasty white guy face.
I guess this is the dark side of the force of the dark side of the force?
[BLARING AIRHORNS & DUBSTEP]
Hang on.
I guess at least he's got the most pathetic blaster in the galaxy, and a sweet helmet
that seems to be hooked up to an 8-bit Sega pad that pulls a chunk out of his guts.
So he's a bit borin', but I guess that is what they look like
and look, you gotta put somebody in the box.
Anyways, you can bosh him inside the cock pod there which can just about seat two?
I guess this is from the bit where Finn and Poe were all back-to-back,
but room's a factor, so they've gone for this kind of top-and-tail dealie which just about works,
but it's gonna be pretty intimate in there, so hand-holding's kind of accepted, but no farting!
But that's neat, man! Your guy can bring along a mate for a cheeky space road trip!
Like, he can party with other Star Wars guys, GI Joes,
find one that looks like you, screw with the canon, or just get weird with it!
Or maybe just do the Finn and Poe thing, like it clearly wants you to!
Aaaahhh, we're going down!
Aaaahhh, we should make ooouut!
And that's your Star Wars: The Force Awakens First Order Special Forces TIE Fighter
with First Order TIE Fighter Pilot & Knuckles
And it might not be super innovative or life-changingly brilliant, but it's just fun, man!
Sure it's just a bog standard, massively mainstream wide release wedge of £22.99 Disneycorp merch,
but TIE Fighters are dope, and there's nothing anyone can do about it!
For your sake... I suggest you get it.
So cheers for watching, my name's Thew, and I'll see you in 2025 for the Unkar Plutt prequel film!
Happy life day!
About here...
Whoops!
[exasperated laughter]
Aaargh, you annoying bastard!