The Russian invasion of Ukraine,
which, by the time you watch this, has either
started already, is about to start any minute,
or was never going to start at all.
And one reason no one seems to know exactly
what is going to happen is that
Russia is playing all sorts of mind games.
NEWSMAN: As Russia claims it is pulling back troops
from Ukraine's border, a senior Biden administration official
accuses Russia of lying and of moving troops around
while adding 7,000 to the sum 150,000 troops already
near Ukraine's borders.
Britain's military intelligence chief, in a rare statement,
said there have been sightings of additional armored vehicles,
helicopters, and a field hospital moving toward
Ukraine's borders.
There are now questions this morning about why Russia
would claim to deescalate while apparently not doing it.
Propaganda, a play to create confusion,
or deliberate misdirection to hide an attack?
Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. People, people, people,
can I ask you a question?
Why is America's president always answering questions
in front of a helicopter?
Like, is there not a better solution to this?
And it's not just Biden. Like, Trump, the whole time--
"What we're gonna be doing is, we're gonna..."
And then Biden, (stammering) "We're trying to..."
Like, turn the helicopter off until he gets on.
You're wasting fuel.
And do you know how much gas is right now, Joe Byron?
You are also saying important things.
You don't want people to mishear what you're saying.
Imagine if I was like, "Hey, guys, hey, guys,
"As Trevor Noah, I've discovered something that
will solve all of the world's problems. What we need to..."
(helicopter blades whirring loudly)
"...and that's what will solve the world."
But yes, America's accusing Russia of lying about
pulling troops back from Ukraine
while actually still preparing to invade it.
And I'm not gonna lie, guys. It wouldn't be a surprise
if Russia is being sneaky.
I mean, this is the same country
that hides dolls inside bigger dolls.
You know how sick you have to be to do that?
You-you think you found the final...
You think there's, like, a doll. "Oh, I'm so happy."
Then it's like, there's another doll.
Was I happy enough? Now I feel bad.
Didn't show the gratitude to the first one.
I didn't know it was two d... There's three dolls.
I didn't show three dolls gratitude. Four dolls.
Then I'm like, "How many dolls?" Then I break the last one
'cause I thought there was another one inside.
Now I broke my toy.
But Russia insists that they're pulling the troops back.
That's what they say.
Even though all the satellite evidence
shows that they're adding even more troops to the border.
And people are saying that what Putin is doing here
is really disingenuous, but can I be honest with you?
I really actually understand this move.
In fact, anyone who's ever played Call of Duty
knows what this move is all about.
Right? Your mom calls you down for dinner,
and what do you do?
-(weapons firing) -"Yeah, I'm coming, Mom!
"I'm just wrapping up a mission!
"I'll be right there!
"All right, guys, let's go again.
"This time, stop messing around
on the Buy Station, Nick. Come on."
But America is certain.
They're certain that Russia is still planning to invade.
In fact, today, the U.S. Secretary of State
even said that what Russia might do
to justify an invasion
is launch fake or even real chemical weapons
at themselves
and then blame it on Ukraine.
Yeah.
Yeah. First of all, uh, spoilers. Hello.
Secondly, can you imagine that?
Staging a chemical attack on yourself
to justify your invasion. That's pretty messed-up.
Especially for the Russian soldiers
who have to carry out the mission.
"So, we launch this on ourselves,
but this is fake, yes?"
"Yeah. We will find out when bomb explodes.
Huh? Mystery. Excitement."
And, you know, people, as erratic
as the Russians' actions might seem,
you understand what they're doing right now, right?
They're playing chess.
This is literally what chess is all about.
Oh, I'm moving forward. Oh, I'm moving backwards.
Oh, I'm attacking. No, I'm not.
The horse is going this way. Then it turns.
This is what Russia's doing. This is literally it.
And the Russians love playing chess.
They've been designed for this moment.
Meanwhile, the rest of us, we don't play chess anymore.
We love dumb games now. We're like,
"Uh, I need a five-letter word that ends in D-E."
'Plate'? No."
All right, let's move on from a country
that's trying to take over the world
to a dictatorship that already runs the world:
Disney.
The magical company is known around the world
for its amusement parks, its movies
and for having the fanciest rats.
But now they're apparently moving into real estate.
You see, yesterday, Disney announced
that it will be building planned communities
where residents can be
"part of Disney all the time."
Which I guess means you have to wait in line
for three hours to use your own bathroom.
And look, guys, as much as I'm for decriminalizing drugs,
I don't know if we should encourage people
to take them at work.
Because this sounds like an idea that was inspired
by, uh, something extra, if you know what I mean.
"Like, what if the whole world was Disney all the time?
Like, just all the time?"
"Oh, I love this guy. He's so... He's so great.
"I love it. Disney all the time.
Oh, man, I'm so (bleep) up right now. Oh!"
And, now, look, don't get me wrong.
I love Disney, by the way. I personally love Disney.
I love Disneyland. I love Disney World.
But I think the Disney experience
will lose its magic if you relive it every day.
You can't do Disney every day.
I mean, like, I don't want to pretend I'm a Make-A-Wish kid
to cut lines every day.
You got to do that, like, twice a year max, you know?
Special occasions.
And by the way, if you think this idea sounds creepy,
just, like, living in Disney all the time,
wait until you see the promo video
that they released.
WOMAN: These vibrant communities
will be infused with Disney placemaking.
Picture an energetic community
with the warmth and charm of a small town
and the beauty of a resort.
A place that entices inspiration
and makes every moment more memorable than the last.
A Storyliving by Disney community
is something truly special.
"Communities infused
with Disney placemaking."
Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a cult?
And I'm not saying it is a cult.
But you saw how it looked and how it sounded.
It feels like a cult, you know? I'm not saying it is a cult.
I'm just saying it feels like a cult. Yeah.
Like, if you decide to live there,
don't be surprised if you get home one day
and it ends with Goofy banging your wife.
(laughs à la Goofy)
I mean, even if it's not a cult, I don't trust it.
You know, a perfect community that just...
feels like an ideal small town?
I saw WandaVision, Disney.
You're not fooling me. I know how this shit ends.
And, by the way, by the way, this isn't the first time
that Disney has tried to invent a town that people live in.
Right? Back in the '90s,
Disney built a community in Florida called Celebration
that also had a lot of hype at first
and then, a few years later,
did so badly that they had to offload it
to a private equity firm.
I mean, so what does Disney think?
They think they can just rehash the same idea with a modern spin
and then people will throw money at it?
It'll never work.
It's just not gonna work.