- [breathing heavily]
- Are you sure that's how Lori
would want you to clean the air hockey table?
- If I said yes, would you know any different?
- No, I would not.
- Then yes.
- Hey!
What's got two thumbs,
just bought the bowling alley next door,
and doesn't want your frickin' garbage
on my property.
This guy.
- Well, this guy has no idea what you're talking about.
- Well, this girl's name is Ella.
And I think we've met before.
- Yeah, we've met all right.
Brazilian Pork E. Pine sex party in your kitchen.
I was all greased up,
went down on a lot of people.
- Oh. Yeah.
I remember the top of your head.
- Right on.
Yeah, after I left here, I saw the "For Sale" sign
on the building next-door.
Bought it,
and now here we are.
- Here we are indeed.
- In-real-deed.
- Excuse me, I still don't understand
why there's hot garbage on my floor.
- Garbage isn't the only thing that's hot in here.
- Ugh, Ella, please.
- You guys can't keep your garbage overflow
in the alley between our buildings.
The alley is mine.
- Actually it's mine.
I won it last year
in a competition with the previous owner.
- We call it the Pork Olympics.
- Pork O-what?
- You heard me.
We do it every year, and the winner gets to use the alley.
- I'd like to use your alley.
- Oh, it's a tight alley. - Uh-huh.
- But I'd let you put your hot garbage all over it.
- Oh, I would just dump it right in there.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- At least point I can't tell
if you're talking about her or the building.
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] Not you, though
You're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
- No one is gonna walk their stupid face in here
and take our alley,
especially since winning at last year's Pork Olympics
is my only real accomplishment so far.
[cheers and applause]
- Add it to the list!
- All right, guys,
I need one athlete to represent us
in three events:
hot dog eating contest,
arm wrestling,
and bobbing for pizza.
Now, who's gonna do it?
- Ya! I will drink Frank's tears!
- Lori is our athlete!
[cheers and applause]
- And I will be her coach.
- Nope. - Towel boy.
- Yep. - That douche is going down!
- Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
- Or we could just avoid this whole thing.
- How would we do that?
- I'll use my vagina as an ambassador.
Then everybody wins.
- Ella, we need you on our team.
Are you with us or against us?
- From here up, I'm totally with you, okay?
From here down, there might be a traitor in our midst.
[all groan]
Sorry, okay? Okay. Ah.
I promise that for the next few hours,
my top half will control my bottom half.
Bottom half, keep it buttoned up.
Me and top half, we got this.
- All right, let's get the hot dogs prepped,
and let's take Frank down in the...
all: Pork Olympics!
- I will scalp his face off his head!
[growls]
[shrieks]
- She's ready.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
- So I was thinking we could inject Frank's hot dogs
with wasabi.
They'll be so hot, he won't be able to eat 'em.
- But that's cheating.
- Do it.
If Frank gets mad,
he can put something kosher in my bun.
- Ella.
- [laughing]
That's good.
- [laughs]
My bun is cool to room temperature
and ready to be buttered.
- Wait, you like the bowling alley guy too?
- Yes. - Oh. No.
I can't even eat buns.
I have a gluten intolerance that's murder on my bowels.
- Jesus. - Oh.
That sounds, um, horrible.
- It is.
But, like, in a sexy way.
No?
- No.
- All right, Lori, you got this.
Frank is going down hard.
- I eat meat for breakfast.
Small fish to me, boy.
- I was here warming up for about an hour.
You really got to loosen up the esophagus
so the dogs just go right down.
[belches loudly]
- [belches loudly]
[gentle acoustic guitar music]
- [belches loudly]
- Uh, God, they have their own mating call.
- Well, let's get this party started.
- Yes, first person to finish all their hot dogs wins.
And...
go!
[cheers and applause]
- Wasabi dogs? My favorite.
- God.
I knew I should have injected them with fish oil.
[cheers and applause]
- Winner winner, wasabi dinner.
- Hey, he's not worth it.
- Thunk, thunk, splurt.
You hear that?
It's the sound of me dumping hot garbage
in my alley.
- Hi.
Ha!
- Damn it, guys, we need a new strategy.
If we don't win this thing,
we're gonna have nowhere to put our garbage,
and it's gonna smell like old cheese in here.
Hey, Ella,
I think it's time to unleash bottom half.
- Really? - Sure.
Who am I to get in the way of love
or whatever is going on here.
- Don't think about it to hard.
I don't.
- All right, now go out there
and show him bottom half.
Or top half or whatever you think
will distract him enough for us to win.
- I see what you're doing,
and I like it,
because bottom half is bursting at the button fly.
- Then by all means, unleash the Kraken.
- Okay, but first I have to wax the Kraken.
- What? No.
I was just talking about your boobs.
- Oh, okay. That works.
- Frank, Lori,
may the strongest arm win.
Lori, don't you dare F this up.
- I got this. - Don't get in her head.
- Stop yelling in my ear. - Copy that.
- And...begin!
[cheers and applause]
- Come on! You got thick arms!
- Yo, wasabi dog!
- Thanks for carbo-loading my eyeballs, babe.
- Huh?
- [screams]
- No!
- I'm sorry, Anton.
I should have known my boobs
would only be an inspiration.
- Well, I win the Pork Olympics.
I will see you losers later.
- Wait.
Double or nothing.
One round of bobbing for pizza,
and if we win, we get the alley
and free bowling at your place for life.
- And if I win?
- Then you get...
my entire staff.
- What? - What?
- What the hell?
- Except you, Lori.
I actually need you.
- Oh, okay. Well, then that's fine then.
Let's do this.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Looks like you're gonna be working under me pretty soon.
- [chuckles] Under you.
Wouldn't mind that.
I bet you have a lot of experience,
what, with all your sex club stuff.
- Yeah, used to belong to 'em all:
The Drilly Bits, The Stinky Mice,
The Squishing Cowpatties,
My Super-Effin' Book Club.
Last one's not a sex club.
Mysteries just kind of give me a boner.
- Oh.
- I used to be the belle at the ball.
- Used to be?
- Yeah.
Ever since I bought the bowling alley,
turned over a new leaf.
Frank wants to settle down.
You know?
I think I'm ready to be a one-woman man,
and I think...
you could be that woman.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, we'll win this competition,
pitch a tent in the alley,
and set up a place to sleep after that.
Wink, wink.
- [groans]
But there are just so many alleys that I haven't gone down.
What about the alley behind the grocery store?
Or the alley behind the nail salon?
Or that one girl named Allie?
I just--I don't think I'm a one-alley kind of girl.
- But...my hot garbage.
- I'm sorry, Frank,
but if you want to be with me,
you have to be willing to be
with a lot of other people too.
This is as far as we go.
- What?
- And now, now, now, now
the final event, event, event
for the whole enchilada--
the alley and the staff--
the pizza bob!
[cheers and applause]
- I'm an expert at bobbing for wet things in dark places.
- Yuck.
- And...go!
[cheers and applause]
- What the hell?
- That was for you, babe.
I'm gonna win you back.
I'm read to be with any and all women.
- Hot.
- Go, Lori!
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah.
[all groan]
- Whoo! Frank is the man!
- So do we fill out new W-2s or...
- Hey, there's my employee of the month
and the lady of the eternity.
- Frank, listen. - Yeah.
- It was really sexy what you did out there for me,
but you can't take the staff.
- Deal's a deal, babe.
You know how hard it is to find good staff here?
- We're not good staff. - What?
- You'd actually be doing yourself a great disservice
by taking the Pork E. staff at the bowling alley.
- All right, fine.
What do I get
for winning the Pork Olympics fair and square?
- Well, there's a super-exclusive
book club sex club in a Sactown.
- Uh-huh.
- A mystery theme. I know how you like 'em.
- Yep.
- It's called "Murder She Throat."
- I'm all ear holes.
- You want to come solve "The Mystery of the Missing Pants,"
or what?
- Yeah, a thousand times yeah.
- [moaning]
Uh!
[groans]
- What are you doing?
- Just cleaning up after--
- I'm having sex dreams about you.
- What?
- I know, it's weird,
but it won't stop.
Sometimes it's a metaphor like
you're a pirate or a fireman.
Sometimes you're just a big flesh-colored cucumber.
I think that one's pretty clear.
- But...
what about friend birds?
- I...
I want more.
- Well, that's...
great
because I want that too.
[soft music]
Can...
can I kiss you?
[soft music]
- [groans]
- Moment ruined? - Yeah.
- Try again tomorrow? - Definitely.
- Uh. Take it to your alley!
- Oh, my--ew. - Jeez.
[playful music]