-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ] You're watching at home.
Thank you!
Guys, today is May the 4th. -Mm.
[ Cheering ]
Also known as Star Wars Day...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...as in, "May the fourth be with you."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Star Wars Day, or for guys
in their 30s celebrating it, Solo de Mayo.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoa-oh! [ Rim shot ]
Solo. -Ah.
But Star Wars Day is interesting,
'cause it's the one time of year when Tinder tries to match you
with your sister. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
You haven't seen the movie? Don't blame me.
Blame George Lucas. I didn't write it.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news. Over in Italy,
there's a $700 million super yacht
that experts think belongs to Vladimir Putin.
And right now it's trying to set sail before it's seized.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Turns out escaping on a yacht is the last square Putin needs
in the supervillain Bingo. It's like...
[ Laughter ] "Perfect."
Yeah, Putin's yacht is kind of like a Carnival cruise.
The only difference is you get food poisoning minus the food.
[ Laughter ]
"Sorry. You get food poisoning."
[ Laughter ]
But you can tell it's Putin's yacht
'cause all the life jackets have weights in them.
-Oh, gee. [ Laughter ]
-That's the joke. [ Rim shot ]
That's the one -- you need one joke,
that's the joke, you take. -That's it.
-That's all you need. -Just go home, yeah.
-That's all you need right there.
That's the joke, yeah. That's a good one.
Meanwhile, I heard -- This is very interesting.
I heard that the CIA has started using Instagram
to help Russians share state secrets.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Spies used to gather intelligence
through covert missions.
Now they just talk to each other through latte foam art.
[ Laughter ]
"How do they do that?"
Speaking of social media, Twitter just rolled out
a new feature called Twitter Circle,
which lets users share tweets with a select group
of up to 150 people.
That story again, Twitter invented the group chat.
[ Laughter ]
But I like the idea. Now you can soft launch
the tweet that gets you fired, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
"No, don't say that." "Okay."
Guys, it is Teacher Appreciation Week.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
There are so many teachers out there who deserve our gratitude,
but there are also a lot of teachers
who we tend to overlook,
and I'd like to pay tribute to them now.
♪♪
Shop teachers. [ Laughter ]
This is your week, too.
Thanks to you, I know how to build a birdhouse.
Sure, that hasn't been useful in my adult life yet,
but you never know when somebody's going to ask you
to build a birdhouse. [ Laughter ]
And remember, guys, you only need one finger
to say you're number one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
P.E. teachers. You may not get an apple
on Teacher Appreciation Week,
but at least everybody at school knows what your knees look like.
[ Laughter ]
So that counts for something.
Plus, you get to blow a whistle at work.
How cool is that? [ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, substitute teachers.
[ Laughter ] You guys are the best.
When you wheel out that old Toshiba TV
on the squeaky cart... [ Laughter ]
...we all know we're in for the best day of the school year.
Because instead of teaching us about the Roman empire,
you're gonna nurse your hangover while we watch
the first 45 minutes of "October Sky."
[ Laughter ] So kick your feet up
on your desk, pull out your phone,
and play "Fruit Ninja" while everyone takes a test.
You've earned it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
To all the teachers out there, happy Teacher Appreciation Week.
We appreciate you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, some news from Washington.
Today at the White House, President Biden hosted
Team U.S.A. athletes from both the summer and winter Olympics.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
Yeah. And why not?
Because after a few more years of climate change,
they're gonna be combined anyway.
[ Laughter and groans ]
That's two good -- -Yeah, come on.
-That's two good jokes you got there.
Two for the price of one tonight.
-Wow.
-Some business news -- I saw that TurboTax
is giving $141 million back to its customers
after making them pay to file their taxes
when they could have been done for free.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] -What?
-Right now, TurboTax is trying to spin it like,
"See? We got you a huge refund!"
[ Laughter ]
"Got you a lot of money back." [ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- due to inflation,
AT&T has decided to raise prices on their wireless plans.
Yeah, when they heard that, Netflix was like,
"Yeah, okay, let's see how that works out."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is going viral. A man was caught
on a Ring doorbell camera confronting his neighbor
about a loud party the night before.
But he wasn't upset for the reason you'd think.
Watch this.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-That's right!
"I want to party too, man." -"Come on, man."
-[ Laughs ]
It got even more awkward when the person inside said,
"Okay. Then, no more parties."
"Okay." [ Laughter ]