- Hi, my dears.
I'm sorry that I've been gone (laughs).
Haven't been gone that long.
I've taken longer breaks on YouTube in the past.
So, I am going to do something a little different
than what I normally do on this channel,
and that is to do a one take.
And I'm just gonna talk.
I want to be really open
about the fact that I have been in not a great place,
and the fact that, throughout my life,
I've been in not a great place (laughs),
so this is not a new problem,
but it's a problem nonetheless.
I was inspired because two of my very favoritist,
sweetest people on YouTube, Heart and TomSka
both made videos talking
about their struggle with depression,
and I was like, well, shit, if this isn't a sign (laughs),
then I don't know what's a sign.
I think that part of the reason why it's hard to talk
about dealing with depression is because a lot
of people don't really understand it.
There's a bunch of stigma, right?
There's also people think you're crazy or you're a downer
or they don't know how to act around you
or people you're working with, they're like,
"I don't know if she's OK to handle this.
"I don't know if she's capable."
There's a lot of different ways
that people kind of freak out about it,
so, for me, coming out and talking to all
of you is talking to everyone in my life as well.
Hey, life people.
And that's significant for me.
But I wanna tell you because I think that we need
to talk about this stuff more,
and a lot of people kind of just struggle
behind closed doors, including myself.
So, I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15,
and it was
probably the worst depression I've ever been in.
I've cycled through it.
I'd say I've had about five
or six depressive episodes
that were pretty episode-y.
They were episodes.
I'm maybe coming out of one right now,
and in that time, basically what happens is,
my entire being is drained of all joy
of all joy and hope and happiness,
and the feeling is sort of like, you know like Harry Potter?
The dementors, how they suck people's souls out,
or whatever the hell?
That's kinda what it's like.
You literally do not remember what it feels like
to be happy.
You just don't remember that.
I'm reaching down to my toes,
trying to find joy (laughs) somewhere,
and it's fucking awful, because it's not there.
If that goes on long enough, people, they,
it can affect other parts of their life,
and their relationships, their jobs, school, everything.
It can affect everything, and it certainly affects your body
in a physical way, as well.
It's not just all up here.
OK, where do I wanna take this?
When you go so long
feeling so hollow inside, so empty,
just real (groans),
just real (groans).
I don't have words, I just have sounds.
It goes on so long, and you don't have any intervention,
and you don't have people to talk to about it.
When you're so isolated,
because it really does isolate you from other people.
I lose my drive to keep up with my friends,
I've got fucking 35 unanswered text messages on my phone.
You know, like when you go full asshole (laughs)?
And you're isolated and you're alone
and you're feeling all these things,
that's where it can get dangerous.
I've had two suicidal episodes in my life.
I feel so strong for having made it through it.
People look at it like, "Oh, you did that?"
And it's like, no, you don't understand, I'm fucking here.
Do you see me? Hello!
For me, the depression isn't the weakness,
and those feelings aren't a weakness, they are a strength.
I want to end on a positive note (exclaims).
I'm doing better and I'm taking the fuck care of myself,
which is why I was gone for awhile.
And I would strongly encourage you,
if you deal with depression,
which many of you who emailed me do,
I feel you, baby.
I'm there with you, and it's shitty,
but we're gonna keep pushing through.
I will not, like I said in my blog post,
I will not tell you, hey, chin up!
You got this, champ! Things get better!
I don't fucking know.
Maybe it doesn't get better right away.
What I do know is that you get stronger. I get stronger.
I want everyone who emailed me about this issue
to talk to someone in your life as well, please.
Talk to a good friend or a partner or a parent
or really anyone that you trust.
Do not keep this alone inside of yourself.
It's the worst thing, because the isolation,
the loneliness, the dementor stuff, not good.
You need to have another person who can be there for you,
and preferably multiple peoples, and I think that one
of those peoples (laughs) should be a counselor.
I go to therapy once, sometimes twice a week.
So healthy for me, so I want you to be healthy too.
I try to go outside, get some exercise.
That's the last thing I wanna do.
Take a walk. I think walks are good.
Get out of the house!
Don't be in the house alone, OK, all the time.
That's not good.
You're not alone, and we're here. We're out here.
People are out here, so let's talk about it,
let's be more open about this.
So, I think that I'll be back soon.
But thank you for all, just thank you.
OK, I'm gonna stop talking to this camera now.