-Please, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody!
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, today the CDC
made a huge announcement about wearing masks.
Watch this.
-The CDC now says that vaccinated Americans
generally do not need to wear masks outside
as long as they're not in a large gathering.
-When people heard that, people in the street started
flashing their mouths like it was Mardi Gras.
Like, whoo! [ Laughter and applause ]
Whoo! [ Cheers and applause ]
I got to be honest, I'm gonna miss wearing a mask.
The adult acne made me feel young.
[ Laughter ]
On the bright side, now we can finally stop
weirdly opening our eyes to greet people on the street.
Like -- [ Laughter ]
That's right. The CDC updated its guidance on
outdoor masking for both vaccinated
and unvaccinated people.
And they even released this helpful chart.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, I like to think
the sketch artist at the CDC is like,
"I'll tell you, I can do hair, ears, eyes, and mouth.
I just don't do noses." [ Laughter ]
I just don't -- It's just not my thing."
The two most important things about a -- Ah.
"I'll do it for cheap, I'll do it for cheap.
I just don't do them." [ Laughter ]
The chart ranks activities
from safest to less safe to least safe.
It's the same chart people use when deciding between
Delta, United, and Spirit Airlines.
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's a big week for President Biden.
Tomorrow he delivers his first joint address to Congress.
Yep, everyone is looking forward to hearing Biden speak.
Then, at the last minute,
they're going to call on Anthony Hopkins instead.
[ Laughter ]
It's always interesting to watch a presidential address.
Half the crowd cheers, half the crowd sits in silence.
It's like a throwback to Harry and Meghan's wedding,
don't you think? [ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden's address will be on all of the major networks.
Of course, on Telemundo, Biden will be dubbed in Spanish,
and on Fox News, he'll be dubbed by a demon.
-[ Speaking demonic ]
[ Applause ]
-Some tech news -- After a long wait,
Apple rolled out a new privacy feature that requires apps
like Facebook to ask permission before tracking
the activity on your iPhone.
Yeah. [ Applause ]
So now you can relax at home in total privacy.
-Yes, total privacy.
Ha-ha-ha.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, after years of infringing on our privacy, Apple is like,
"We're against collecting your data, starting now."
[ Laughter ]
Apple also introduced new emojis,
including face exhaling and face in clouds.
Take a look.
[ Laughter ]
Even the eggplant emoji is like,
"Come on, we all know what this is supposed to be."
[ Laughter ] -Come on.
-"We gonna play this game? We gonna play this game?"
[ Cheers and applause ] Okay. Come on.
I saw that Guinness just debuted a new beer
with Nitro Cold Brew Coffee in it.
Check it out.
Yeah. It's the perfect gift for the sluggish drunk in your life.
[ Laughter ]
It's a great product if you want your heart to feel like it's
napping and skydiving at the same time.
[ Laughter ]
It should be fun walking around the office with a can of that.
Like, [Slurred] "9:00 a.m., time for another pick-me-up."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right, Guinness and coffee.
Irish people call that baby formula.
[ Laughter ]
And another unlikely pairing -- Goldfish has teamed up
with Frank's RedHot for new limited-edition spicy crackers.
Here's a photo.
[ Audience oohs ]
And normally I make a joke about these kind of food mash-ups,
but I'm going to level with you.
This one sounds spectacular.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. [ Applause ]
Right? When it comes to recent innovations,
I put the COVID vaccine at 1, this at 1A.
[ Laughter ]
To some it sounds weird,
but it's still better than Gerber Sriracha.
[ Laughter ]
Welcome back -- Baby hot ones!
[ Laughter ] -Come on.
-Hey, some good news for Dunkin' Donuts fans.
They just announced they're adding
coconut milk to the menu.
Yep, they'll keep it on the table
between the cream and the ashtray.
[ Laughter ]
And if you order it, legally
they're allowed to make fun of you.
"I got a large iced coffee for Prince Brandon,
who's too good for cows.
That's Brandon, B as in bee-atch!"
[ Laughter ]
And finally some news from overseas.
I read that next month a high-end apartment complex
in London is opening up a see-through pool
that sits 115 feet high.
Look at this thing.
-Ooh. [ Audience oohs ]
-It's perfect 'cause when I think sunny rooftop pools,
I think London.
[ Laughter ]
You know someone's last words are gonna be, "Cannonball!"
Hey, Quest, welcome back and congratulations, buddy.
-Hey, thank you. -That was fantastic.
Questlove. [ Cheers and applause ]
The musical director for the Academy Awards!
-Yes. [ Crowd cheers ]
-Dude, you looked great. You sounded great.
What was it like?
Were you -- Was it weird?
Were you nervous? -It was fun.
I mean, that's the first time that I have been out anywhere
since the last Oscars, so...
-Wow. -You know.
But, no, it was fun.
It was a little party, you know.
-Yeah. -We had fun.
-But that opening where Regina grabbed the Oscar,
you were doing that?
-Oh, man, that was so hard.
We had to perfectly time -- -Right?
I was sweating for you, dude. I was like, "Oh, my gosh."
-Yeah, I didn't think she was gonna make it.
But I kept extending it
and looking at the end marking, yeah.
-And then the biggest moment of the night,
besides Daniel Kaluuya, was Glenn Close.
-Yeah. -Doing "Da Butt."
-Who knew that she knew "Da Butt"?
[ Laughter ] -No, I did not know.
But she's fun.
-Everyone asked, "Was that scripted?"
Really, we didn't prepare her.
She just -- We told her something was gonna happen,
but she didn't know. -Yeah, you never know what
someone's gonna do. Of course, she so is game.
-Yeah. -She's so much fun.
Remember when she came on the show and we had a contest,
how many baby carrots can we fit in our mouths?
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "What is going on?" She was just so game.
She was like, "Let's do it, why not?"
-That's how I knew she was game for this.
-Yeah, I love -- Anyways, it was great, buddy.
Congratulations. -Thank you, thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-This is big.
The Census Bureau just released their findings for 2020.
And according to the data, there are --
these are some fun facts for you --
331 million people living in the United States.
-Ooh. -Pretty interesting.
In fact, there were a lot of surprising results
from the Census here. -Really?
-Yeah. Check out some of these.
First up, 489,000 people are named Jeff,
but for reasons no one can explain, spelled G-E-O-F-F.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -Geoff.
-Geoff. -Yeah.
-489,000, that's a lot.
-Look at this -- 11 million people think the Quaker Oats guy
is a Founding Father. [ Laughter and applause ]
-11?
-I might be one of them. -Yeah.
-Check out this next result -- 7.5 million people don't know
if reindeer are real and are afraid to ask.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-But they answered the census though.
-Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, they're afraid to ask. -That's a specific question.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Look at this -- 3.5 million people believe Mount Rushmore
is a natural rock formation
that just happens to look like four presidents.
[ Laughter and applause ] That's insane.
-Crazy. -That's impossible.
-More than Geoff. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Up next, 20 million people can't describe a goatee
without using their hands.
[ Laughter ] "It's like a --
That." -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-How about this one here?
750,000 people think Elon Musk
is a cologne they sell at Walgreens.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I remember wearing it in high school.
-That was Drakkar Noir. -Yeah.
-And finally, 165 million people "literally can't even" anymore.
I literally can't even. [ Cheers and applause ]
I learned a lot. Stick around.