- And she pushed me down on the bed,
and she started kissing down my body,
which is hilarious, 'cause I'm 17.
I'm naked. I'm fat.
I have no beard.
I look like a giant, fat baby.
And she was kissing, like... [kissing noises]
And I was like...
[chuckling]
[laughter]
[grunts]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- You know him from "The Bonfire" on SiriusXM.
Please give it up for Mr. Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.
Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- I'm gonna tell y'alls
a little story
about how and who I lost my virginity to.
So it's gonna be gross.
[laughs]
Not on her end. She was a hot chick.
She was older than me.
I was actually 17 when I lost my virginity.
She was 22 years old
and not a girlfriend or anything,
just a neighbor girl, 22-year-old neighbor girl.
She lived with her uncle next door,
which was weird.
He was a weird guy. He dressed like Gallagher.
But it was, like, 1995.
[laughter]
A lot of horizontal stripes and big, like,
merchant marine bell-bottoms.
Anyhoo.
Who knows what was going on there.
She must have been damaged,
because one day I was walking by,
and she goes, "You know what?
I'm gonna make you a man,"
and I was like, "Okay, lady."
[laughter]
And she was older and had expectations on the whole deal.
So she was like, "All right, you got to get a hotel room."
And I'm like, "Cool, well, now we got to get
"my mom involved in this project,
'cause I don't have a credit card."
And luckily, I come from great white trash roots.
Like, really, like, backstage at a Kid Rock concert.
My mom was like, "Ugh, here you go."
She gave me a credit card,
and I booked a room at a Holiday Inn,
and I remember go--yeah, I said I come from garbage.
[laughter]
My mom loves her boy.
She thinks she's gonna deny me
that sweet, sweet...
Can't let your mom cock block.
Where the fuck did you guys grow up?
Your mom wouldn't get you laid? Come on, man.
My mom got me laid a few times.
[laughs]
Me and this girl end up in a hotel,
and we walk in the room,
and I remember I was very nervous,
and it was very dark, and it smelled like
mothballs and Febreze,
and she was pouring me, like, this wine into a plastic cup,
and I'm a kid,
so I'm like, "This is bitter,"
and she's like, "Drink it."
I'm like...
[struggling]
And she had a boom box.
Yeah, with the "Enigma" CD playing.
Do you remember "Enigma," by any chance?
It's like chant-y dance music.
It's terrifying in this capacity.
I'm already nervous.
I got this wine that I don't want.
I can't see anything,
and just blaring in the room is, like...
[imitating "Enigma" CD]
And I was just like, "Hello?"
[laughter]
She goes, "Take off your clothes,"
and I was just all very, like, rape victim-y about it.
I remember being like, "Here? Just now?"
And I got naked.
I thought we were gonna start having sex.
I thought that's how it all worked,
but she was 22.
She knew what she was doing, and she just took over,
and she pushed me down on the bed,
and she started kissing down my body,
which is hilarious, 'cause I'm 17.
I'm naked. I'm fat.
I have no beard.
I look like a giant, fat baby.
That's how I looked,
and she was kissing, like...
[kissing noises]
And I was like...
[chuckling]
[laughter]
And then she started sucking my dick,
and I was like, "I like this part."
[laughter]
This part's fantastic.
I thought she was gonna keep doing that,
but she didn't.
She started doing some pro moves I wasn't quite ready for.
She holds up my dick, starts licking my balls,
doing a little crowd work, if you will.
[laughter]
And here is what I learned about my balls that night.
And I can't speak for all the balls,
but these balls, these two, ticklish.
[laughter]
Very, very ticklish.
And I wanted her to stop,
but I didn't want her to stop everything,
so I'm just trying not to laugh
through the ball-licking part,
but it's hard, 'cause she was licking my balls hilariously.
Hilariously.
She was licking them
and vibrating them with her mouth
and saying the word "balls," which is a weird thing to do.
[laughter]
I was even trying not to pay attention,
but she was like, ♪ Ball-la-las
♪ Ball-lo-los
♪ Zah
♪ Zahs
And my eyes were tearing, and my face was all purple.
And I was biting my lips.
But I didn't laugh.
I did great.
And then she did something that nobody
should ever do unannounced to a virgin.
She went lower than the balls.
You get what I'm saying?
Lower than the balls?
The balls...
I'm laying on my back, balls,
and then lower than the balls.
Los Angeles,
[laughter]
In layman's terms, she touched her tongue to my butthole,
and that--too much for me.
Too much--I was a virgin.
In one explosion of life, I laughed out loud,
peed one squirt, and farted in her face.
That's how it happened.
[laughter and applause]
[chuckling]
I was like, ha-ha...
[imitating peeing and farting]
Whoops.
Whoops. I said "whoops."
[laughter]
And "whoops" doesn't cover that.
"Whoops" is like, I knocked over your beer
or we bumped shoulders.
"Oh, hey, man. Whoops."
"Whoops" is not farting down your throat.
That is not in the--that's just not in the book of "whoops,"
and I've thumbed it.
Whoops.
And then I tried to be positive. I was like, "You know what?
"She probably won't even smell it, honestly.
That was right in the chops."
[laughter]
But she did smell it,
I don't know if she burped or what,
but it just was in the room.
and when a woman smells your fart,
and you don't want her to, you panic.
You start thinking too quick. You have terrible ideas.
I tried to yell over the smell.
I remember thinking that's--
that's all I had to offer, was volume.
[laughs]
She was like, "What's that smell?"
I'm like, "What smell?
"Who?
A lot of H questions.
Hhh-what?
[laughs]
Open a window if you smell..."
[laughter]
And then I put on a condom, and I remember
faking an orgasm.
I didn't even finish the first time.
I went, "Ohh," and I was like,
"I've got to go to the bathroom."
And I flushed the condom, and I was like,
"Wow, there's so much."
I just lied.
But she continued to have sex with me
for several months after that,
and I remember she moved back home
with her parents in a different town
in south Jersey.
And we were still hooking up, so I was, you know,
a 17-year-old kid getting laid, so I'm like,
"I'll drive out to you."
And she's like, "That'd be great."
And I drove, like, 45 minutes to go see her one day.
Now, I'm Jewish.
I'm only mentioning that for the next part of the story.
It never seems to come up anywhere in my life
that I would have to give a shit,
but I pull up to this house,
and she comes running out, and she goes, "Oh, my God.
"I almost forgot that you're Jewish,
"and I made it-- it's a weird thing.
"And I'm so sorry.
I should have warned you about this."
And I'm like, "What do you mean?"
And we walk into her house.
Her father's a Nazi sympathizer,
and I mean, it looks like Edward Norton's bedroom
in "American History X."
There's big Nazi flags and, like--
like, a skull with, like, a knife in its--
yeah, it's crazy shit.
There was rat experiments in the basement.
And I'm not making that up.
But I liked banging his daughter.
And my last name's not Jewish,
so I kept my stupid Jew mouth shut.
Continued to plow this chick for a while,
and then I really got faced with it.
One night--he loved me. He didn't know.
Which I thought was kind of good revenge.
[laughter]
'Cause we were right in his house, and I'd bang her there
all the time, and he ordered pizza once,
and I remember sitting at the table.
I had my moment where he goes,
"Man, a pizza costs $18 now.
"That's 'cause the [bleep] Jew bastards
own all the fucking banks, pieces of shit."
and I was just holding pizza,
and I was like, "I heard that, dude,"
and I started fucking eating pizza.
You got to understand, it's the small victories.
Five minutes later,
I was up banging his fucking daughter to...
the "Forrest Gump" soundtrack or something.
[laughing]
You're welcome for the boners, everybody.
Thank you so much.
[dark electronic music]
♪