WELCOME BACK.
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE AT "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S WEDNESDAY-- I THINK?
THAT DOESN'T HAVE THE DATE ON IT.
I THINK IT'S WEDNESDAY.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE YOU'RE BEING HUMPED.
THIS IS OUR SEVENTH, I THINK-- SEVENTH SHOW?
SEVENTH SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.
WE DID ONE IN THE THEATER BEFORE WE LEFT.
WE DID THREE THE WEEK BEFORE THE BREAK, SO THIS IS SEVEN.
HAPPY TO BE HERE.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT'S LOVELY.
I ACTUALLY DID THE MATH, AND I'VE BEEN SELF-ISOLATING FOR 2
IDATE NOW.
DID YOU KNOW-- AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THAT THE WORD
"QUARANTINE" COMES FROM THE ITALIAN "QUARANTINA," WHICH
MEANS 40 DAYS WHICH IS HOW LONG PEOPLE WERE ISOLATED DURING THE
PLAGUE?
SO I'VE REACHED THE HALFWAY POINT IN A QUARANTINE, WHICH IS
TRADITIONALLY WHEN YOU START GOOGLING THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE
WORD "QUARANTINE."
SO THAT CHECKS OUT.
OF COURSE-- AND THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD GOES-- THE WORD
"QUARANTINE" IS REALLY NEAR THE WORD "QUARTER" IN THE
DICTIONARY, AND QUARTER GETS YOU THINKING THE OLD RHYME "TWO
BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR."
THAT MAKES TWO BITS A QUARTER.
YOU KNOW THE FRIES, "HERE'S MY TWO BITS."
WHY IS A QUARTER TWO BITS?
WELL, TURNS OUT, OUR WORD "DOLLAR" COMES FROM THE SPANISH
COIN "DOLLAR," WHICH WAS THE OLD PIRATE PIECES OF EIGHT.
SO EACH PIECE IS A BIT.
THEREFORE, TWO BITS IS A QUARTER OF A DOLLAR.
ARE WE STILL BROADCASTING?
GOOD, GOOD.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M HAVING NO PROBLEM WITH FOCUSING HERE.
YOU'LL ALSO NOTICE TODAY I DITCHED THE SUIT AND TIE FOR A
BLAZER AND OPEN-COLLARD SHIRT, GETTING GRADUALLY MORE CASUAL AS
THE SHOW GOES ON.
BY MAY, I'LL BE WEARING NOTHING MORE THAN TWO BAND-AIDS AND A
GRIN.
SO LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.
IT IS STARTING TO SINK IN TO ME AND MY FAMILY THAT WE'RE GOING
TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE, RIGHT, PETER?
>> RIGHT.
>> THAT'S MY SON PETER WHO JUST SAID "RIGHT."
SAY HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.
>> HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, MY DAUGHTER INSISTED THAT WE STOP
THE CHAOS AND MAKE A CHORE CHART.
SHE SAID, "WE'RE ALL ADULTS NOW, SO WE'RE LIKE ROOMMATES."
THAT'S WHY, WHEN I FILM THIS SHOW, I PUT A SOCK ON THE DOOR.
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT PEOPLE-- AD I DO LOVE PEOPLE-- IS THAT
CRISES LIKE THIS BRING OUT THE BEST IN THEM.
AND THE BEST PEOPLE, OF COURSE, ARE NOT PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ANIMALS.
TO PROVE IT, IN COLORADO, A WOMAN TRAINED HER GOLDEN
RETRIEVER SUNNY TO DELIVER GROCERIES TO A NEIGHBOR WITH
HEALTH PROBLEMS URING QUARANTINE.
LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION.
OKAY, HERE'S SUNNY BRINGING THE GROCERY LIST THAT THE NEIGHBOR
GAVE HER TO THE OWNER.
AND HERE HE IS RUNNING THE GROCERIES BACK OVER TO HIS
NEIGHBOR.
WORKS FINE.
HE'S PART OF THE NEW DELIVERY SERVICE "DOG DASH."
SUNNY'S OWNER SAYS SHE WAS INSPIRED WHEN SHE SAW A STORY
ABOUT A DOG COMFORTING PEOPLE AT A HOSPITAL.
SHE THOUGHT, "WAIT A SECOND.
I HAVE A DOG THAT COULD HELP!" WHEN I HEARD SAID THAAD I SAID I
HAVE A DOG THAT CAN HELP, BENNY.
COME HERE, BENNY.
LET'S GO HELP THE PEOPLE.
YOU HAVE TO COME OVER HERE.
THE CAMERA IS OVER HERE.
NOT OVER THERE.
COME ON.
LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.
I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
YOU NEED TO BRING THE MEMG TO THE NEIGHBOR.
I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION.
I MEADE MY NEIGHBOR TO GET MY PRESCRIPTION.
AN AN OLD WOMAN-- NO, NO-- I'M AN OLD WOMAN AND I'VE WRITTEN MY
PRESCRIPTION ON A PIECE OF HAM.
I WAS OUT OF PAPER.
IT'S HEART MEDICATION.
I NEED IT, VERY IMPORTANT.
TAKE THIS TO THE NEIGHBOR WHO WILL TAKE IT TO THE PHARMACY.
ARE YOU READY?
THERE YOU GO.
HE REALLY WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE!
YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE?
HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS-- THIS IS A LETTER-- THESE ARE MY TAXES.
I HAVE TO GET MY TAXES IN OR THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY
FARM, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THIS-- TAKE THIS TO THE POST OFFICE.
DON'T FRGET TO PUT A STAMP ON IT.
OKAY.
HE'S SO HELPFUL.
THERE'S MORE HELPING.
YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE.
THIS IS MY GROCERY LIST.
THERE YOU GO.
AND THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU
LOVE HELPING.
OKAY, AND THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
OKAY, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
HE'S GOT-- COME HERE.
RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.
COME HERE YOU, THIS.
LICK THIS.
NOW HE'S GOT THE MESSAGES AND HE'LL DELIVER THEM ON TO MY
NEIGHBOR'S LAWN IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.
GIVE ME A KISS!
BOOIB, BUDDY.
HE LOVES HELPING PEOPLE.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY?
IT'S TRAINING.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE FIRM.
NOW, WHILE SOCIAL DISTANCES IS WORKING, WE KNOW THE WORST IS
YET TO COME IT'S LIKE WE SAW THE ASTEROID
COME IN AND HIT SOMEWHERE OUT IN THE EXPOSITION WE'RE WAITING FOR
THE WAVE TO COME OVER THE HORIZON.
WELL, I THINK THE TIDE IS RISING, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE
WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THEY PROJECT BETWEEN 100,000 DEATH,
AND IT SEEMS PRESIDENT TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THE GRAVITY OF THE
SITUATION WE'RE IN.
HE HELD A TWO-HOUR BRIEFING YESTERDAY, AND HIS TONE WAS FAR
MORE SERIOUS.
>>IMENT MENTION TO BE PREPARED FOR THE HARD WEEKS AHEAD.
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT POINTED OUT AS DANGEROUS AS THIS
VIRUS IS, AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.
>> IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DARK TOPIC, AN INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE
TOPIC AND IT'S INCREDIBLY INTERESTING.
THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY IS-- IT'S-- THEY'RE GOING CRAZY.
THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
>> YES, THIS PANDEMIC WHICH IS CRIPPLING THE GLOBAL ECONOMY
IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL:
>> Stephen: NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT APPEARS TO BE
TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, HE STILL HASN'T ISSUED ANY ORDER TO SHUT
DOWN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.
HE WANTS TO LEAVE IT UP TO THE STATES, WHO HAVE BEEN COMING UP
WITH SOME PRETTY INTERESTING EXCUSES, LIKE ALABAMA, WHOSE
GOVERNOR RECENTLY SAID THIS: >> Y'ALL, WE ARE NOT LOUISIANA.
WE ARE NOT NEW YORK STATE.
WE ARE NOT CALIFORNIA.
AND RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN
PLACE.
>> Stephen: OH, NO, NO.
NOW IS EXACTLY THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN PLACE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME NEW YORK OR CALIFORNIA.
SHELTERING IN PLACE IS PREVENTATIVE.
THIS IS LIKE SAYING, "Y'ALL, WE'RE NOT PREGNANT.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO START USING BIRTH CONTROL.
LET'S GET IT ON, RAW DOG."
BUT MAYBE THE WORST POLICY COMES FROM FLORIDA, WHICH IS CURRENTLY
SUFFERING FROM A RAGING CASE OF BEING FLORIDA.
EVEN THOUGH THE STATE'S INFECTIONS ARE RAPIDLY GROWING,
THE GOVERNOR REFUSED TO SHUT DOWN THE STATE UNTIL TODAY,
BECAUSE LEAVING IT UP TO THE COUNTIES WASN'T WORKING.
HERE'S A RECENT PHOTO WHERE ONE FLORIDA COUNTY CLOSED ITS BEACH
BUT ITS NEIGHBOR DIDN'T.
THAT'S A TOUGH CHOICE FOR THOSE SPRING BREAKERS:
"OKAY, MY DUDES.
SHOULD WE GO DO BODY SHOTS AT SENOR FROGS OR SIT QUIETLY SIX
FEET APART AT SENOR RESPONSIBLE'S?"
ONE GOVERNOR WHO'S GETTING GREAT REVIEWS FOR HIS LEADERSHIP IN
THIS TIME OF CRISIS IS NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND ONLY GUY ALLOWED
TO MAKE FUN OF CHRIS CUOMO, ANDREW CUOMO.
GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS PROJECTED AN AIR OF MUCH-NEEDED COMPETENCE
DURING THE EPIDEMIC, AND THE PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR IT.
#PresidentCuomo HAS BEEN TRENDING ON TWITTER, AND SOME
PEOPLE ARE TAKING THIS A BIT FURTHER, LIKE THE AUTHOR OF THIS
OP-ED ENTITLED, "HELP, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH ANDREW CUOMO?"
IT'S OKAY.
THESE FEELINGS ARE PERFECTLY NATURAL.
MANY AMERICANS EXPERIENCE MOMENTS OF BEING AT LEAST
ANDREW-CURIOUS IF NOT FULLY CUOMO-SEXUAL.
THE OBSESSION WITH GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS RECENTLY GONE TO A
REALLY WEIRD PLACE BECAUSE-- AND I'M QUITE SURPRISED THIS IS AN
ACTUAL HEADLINE-- PEOPLE ARE ASKING, "PIERCED OR NOT?"
THE MYSTERY OVER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES.
AH-HAH!
A CLASSIC NIPPLE MYSTERY!
JUST LIKE "MAN-BOOB ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS!" OR "THE
TALENTED MISTER NIPPLEY!" I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS
UP.
I KIND OF WISH I WAS.
BUT INTERNET SLEUTHS ARE EXAMINING THIS PICTURE OF CUOMO
THAT APPEARS TO SHOW AN OUTLINE OF SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT
BE A NIPPLE BARBELL.
WOW.
IF THAT'S TRUE, THE CUOMO FAMILY ARE SUCH GYM RATS, EVEN THEIR
NIPPLES LIFT.
"DO YOUR NIPPLES EVEN LIFT, BRO?"
MY NIPPLES CAN SQUAT.
NOW, HONESTLY, WHO CARES WHAT'S REALLY UNDERNEATH THAT POLO
SHIRT?
HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB.
HELL, SOME OF OUR GREATEST LEADERS HAVE BEEN INTO BODY
MODIFICATION.
EVERY SCHOOL CHILD LEARNS ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN
TONGUE STUD.
LUCKY MARTHA.
OH, HEY, REMEMBER THOSE FACE MASKS WE WERE TOLD NOT TO WEAR,
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK AND WE SHOULDN'T BOTHER?
WELL, APPARENTLY, "THE C.D.C. IS THINKING ABOUT ADVISING
AND THEIR INITIAL DIRECTIVE IS NOW "BEING CRITICALLY
RE-REVIEWED."
YES, NOT WEARING FACE MASKS IS BEING "CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWED."
CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWING IS LIKE WHEN "AVATAR" WAS THIS HUGE HIT,
THEN A FEW YEARS LATER, WE WERE ALL LIKE "WAIT, DID I ACTUALLY
ENJOY THAT?
I SAW IT THREE TIMES, BUT THE BLUE PEOPLE TALK TO THE SKY
HORSES BY PLUGGING THE HAIR TOGETHER AND THEN SIGOURNEY
WEAVER HAS A SPACE ORGY WITH A TREE?"
THAT'S ALL I CAN REMEMBER.
UNOEBTANIUM!
THAT'S IT.
BUT THEY STILL DON'T WANT CIVILIANS HOGGING MASKS THAT
HOSPITAL WORKERS NEED.
THAT'S WHY AT HIS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP
HELPFULLY OFFERED A WIDE AND VARIED ARRAY OF IDEAS FOR MASK
ALTERNATIVES.
>> YOU CAN USE A SCARF.
A SCARF IS-- EVERYBODY-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES.
AND YOU CAN USE A SCARF.
A SCARF WOULD BE VERY GOOD.
I WOULD SAY DO IT.
BUT USE A SCARF.
SO YOU CAN USE SCARVES.
MOST PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES, AND SCARFS ARE VERY GOOD.
THEY CAN USE A SCARF.
YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE A SCARF FOR A MASK.
YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THOSE PRESS BRIEFINGS ARE
TWO HOURS LONG?
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
TWO HOURS?
TWO HOURS LONG?
THE PRESS BRIEFINGS?
LONG.
HOURS.
TWO OF THEM?
TWO HOURS LONG.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I DO KNOW YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF.
NOT THAT A SCARF IS A BAD IDEA.
IT MAY NOT PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING THE VIRUS, BUT IF
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE IT, A SCARF WILL
LOWER THE CHANCES OF YOU TRANSMITTING IT, WHICH IS REALLY
IMPORTANT.
IN FACT, ANYTHING THAT COVERS YOUR COUGH OR YOUR BREATH AND
ALSO HELPS YOU FROM TOUCHING YOUR FACE IS A GOOD IDEA.
IT MAY NOT BE A SURGICAL MASK, BUT ANY MASK IS A GOOD IDEA.
IF YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL, DON'T BE ALARMED AT THE
HOSPITAL IF YOU'RE TREATED BY DOCTOR STEAMPUNK RHINOCEROS.
SO PEOPLE EVERYWHERE HAVE BEEN IMPROVISING MASKS OUT OF
ANYTHING THEY HAVE, LIKE THIS ITALIAN MAN DEMONSTRATING HOW TO
USE A FEMININE HYGIENE PAD:
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY EFFECTIVE, ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF
THE SIDE-EFFECTS OF CORONAVIRUS IS LEAKING CRYSTAL-BLUE FLUID.
AND IT'S NOT JUST WOMEN'S FEMININE PADS.
THIS GUY MADE A MASK BY CUTTING UP A WOMAN'S BRA.
HIS WIFE WAS PISSED-- NOT BECAUSE HE CUT IT UP, BUT
BECAUSE HE PUT IT IN THE DRYER.
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IS SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, EITHER.
ANOTHER MAN USED WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
WHEN COMPLIMENTED ON HIS CORONAVIRUS PANTY MASK, THE MAN
SAID, "WHAT'S CORONAVIRUS?" SO, APPARENTLY, WOMEN'S INTIMATE
PRODUCTS ARE A GOOD SAFEGUARD AGAINST COVID-19.
WHICH IS WHY I SHOVED AN I.U.D.
UP MY NOSE THIS MORNING.
AT MY AGE, I DON'T KNOW IF MY SINUSES ARE STILL FERTILE, BUT
IT'S GOOD TO PLAY IT SAFE.
WE HAVE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL HAVE A GRIPPING, IN-DEPTH CONVERSATION
WITH RYAN REYNOLDS IN HIS NATIVE CANADIAN.