♪
>>Greg: TV, TV ON THE WALL,
WHO’S THE DUMBEST OF THEM ALL?
YES, THE WORLD DESERVES TO KNOW
WHICH CNN HACK IS CURLY AND
WHICH ONE IS MO.
LAST NIGHT I PROCLAIMED CHRIS
CUOMO AS THE SECOND DUMBEST MAN
ON CNN.
THAT’S LIKE BEING THE SECOND
DRUNKEST SLOW PITCH SOFT BALL
PLAYER.
AT THAT NETWORK THE COMPETITION
IS FIERCE.
FOR MY MINI, DON LEMON REMAINS
THE CHAMPION BUT NOT EVERYONE
AGREED INCLUDING TUCKER CARLSON.
>> CHRIS CUOMO GETS THE CREDIT
HE DESERVES FOR BEING THE SINGLE
DUMBEST PERSON EVER TO PERFORM
ON CABLE NEWS BY COMPARISON HE
MAKES DON LEMON LOOK LIKE A
PARTICLE PHYSICIST OR AS CHRIS
CUOMO MIGHT CALL IT A MAKE
THINGS GO BOOM DOCTOR GUY.
IS IT TIME TO DECIDE WHO HAS
FEWER BRAINS INSIDE?
SHORT -F AN AUTOPSY, THERE’S
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
>> THE GREAT TUCKER CARLSON-GREG
GUTFELD DEBATE.
>>Greg: TONIGHT’S DEBATE, WHICH
HOST REPLACE HIS BRAIN WITH A
STEEL PLATE.
JOINING ME NOW, HOST OF TUCKER
CARLSON TONIGHT, AND TUCKER
CARLSON TODAY, IT’S TUCKER
CARLSON.
[APPLAUSE]
>> THANK YOU, GREG.
YES.
>>Greg: IT’S A FRIENDLY CHAT
WITH TUCKER ABOUT TWO STUPID
[BLEEP].
BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET’S TAKE
A LOOK AT SOME CLIPS, TUCKER,
AND REMIND PEOPLE WHO WE’RE
DEALING WITH.
FIRST, LET’S START WITH TUCKER’S
CHOICE, MR. CUOMO.
>> ONLY IN AMERICA, KIDS.
LET’S GET AFTER IT.
>> THE OFFICIAL FROM THE PAPER
CLEARED BY C-D-C, A LITTLE
SWEATY JUST WORKED OUT IT
HAPPENS.
PLEASE, SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS
PROTESTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
POLITE AND PEACEFUL.
>> IN SCALE THIS WAS THE ACTUAL
SWAB THAT WAS BEING USED TO FIT
UP THAT DOUBLE BARREL SHOTGUN
THAT YOU HAVE MOUNTED ON THE
FRONTED OF YOUR PRETTY FACE.
>>Greg: NO DOUBT THAT WAS PRETTY
DUMB, BUT CAN DON BEAT THAT?
>> DEMOCRATIC CITIES ARE IN
CHAOS RIGHT NOW, CRIME IS RISE.
OH, MY GOSH IT’S SO BAD,
DEFUNDING POLICE.
>> THE PRESIDENT IS A RACIST,
AND HE IS A DEMIGOD, BELIEVING
THE LIGHTHOUSEN INTERNET INSTEAD
OF - -
THE LIES ON THE INTERNET INSTEAD
OF SCIENCE IT’S TIME TO START
SHAMING THEM.
>> I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY EAT,
WHAT THEY DRINK, WHAT THEY
SMOKE.
>> I DON’T HAVE IT NOW, BECAUSE
YOU CAN SEE I GOT ALL THESE
WRINKLE EVERYBODY ASKS ME WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA GET BOTOX?
>> BOTH STUPID.
WHILE I CONTEND THAT CUOMO MAKES
DUMBER DECISIONS THAN LEMON,
LEMON IS JUST NATURALLY SLOWER.
CUOMO IS MORE OF A PERFORMER
WHERE LEMON JUST SPEAKS HIS MIND
WHICH EXPLAINS HIS STUPIDITY.
SO, TUCKER, PERSUADE ME THAT I
AM INCORRECT.
LET ME JUST SAY WE DISAGREE BUT
WE DON’T NEED TO HAVE
DISAGREEABLE, WE’RE FRIENDS, I
DON’T WANT THIS IN ANY WAY TO
AFFECT OUR LONG-STANDING
FRIENDSHIP. I AGREED WITH YOU
FOR MANY YEARS.
I THOUGHT THAT CHRIS CUOMO WAS
PUTTING ON AN ACT.
YOU KNOW, THE WEIGHT LIFTING,
THE CALLING THE BRO TALK, THE
HUGE SWAB. I THOUGHT HE WAS,
LIKE, BOWSER ON SHANANA
COLUMBIA.
IT WAS A PART.
>>Greg: WHAT A REFERENCE.
>> AND THEN I WATCHED HIM
BECAUSE I USED TO WORK AT CNN, I
KNOW PEOPLE THERE, I PAY
ATTENTION.
THAT GUY IS EVERY BIT AS STUPID
AS HE SEEMS. HE WENT TO YALE
LAW SCHOOL, HIS DAD WAS THE GOV
MORPH NEW YORK AT THE TIME, AND
HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT’S IN THE
FIRST FIRST AMENDMENT.
HE HAS ZERO SENSE OF HUMOR,
WHICH IS ALWAYS A TELL.
BUT HERE IS THE ABSOLUTE
SETTLING FACTOR.
HE SPEAKS ONLY IN CLICHES.
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY TO CHRIS
CUOMO, YOU WILL FIND NOT A
SINGLE PHRASE THAT YOU CAN’T
INSTANTLY GET ON INSTAGRAM. ALL OF IT.
ALL OF IT.
BECAUSE DUMB PEOPLE CLICHE
SPEAKING.
DON LEMON BY CONTRAST, HE GETS
THE JOKE. HE SORT OF KNOWS I’M
A GUY WITH NO SKILLS, I WAS A
LOCAL NEWS AVENGER IN ATLANTA -
- NEWS ANCHOR IN ATLANTA AND
LOOK WHERE I AM NOW HE FINDS THE
WHOLE THING HILARIOUS.
>>Greg: THAT WAS FAIRLY
PERSUASIVE.
I’M GONNA HAVE THE AUDIENCE VOTE
AFTER WE GET TO THE POINT OF
THIS.
I WILL SAY THAT DON LEMON, HIS
STUPIDITY WAS UNMATCHED WHEN HE
CLAIMED THAT VIOLENCE IN THE
CITIES DIDN’T EXIST BECAUSE HE
JUST WENT OUT AND HAD A NICE
MEAL.
SO IT’S LIKE - - HE IS IN A FULL
- - AND I HONESTLY, YOU COULD -
HE, HE FELT THAT BECAUSE HE WAS
RECOGNIZED HE WAS ON THE STREET
- - AND THEY REQUISITE
RECOGNIZED ME, IT WAS GREAT Y
HAD A NICE MEAL.
THEREFORE THERE WERE NO ASSAULTS
AND HOMICIDES.
>> THAT’S NOT STUPIDITY, THAT’S
NARCISSISM.
YOU LIVE IN THE DON LEMON BUBBLE
AND EVERYTHING IS GREAT IN DON
LEMON WORLD.
AT ALL TIMES.
AND THAT’S KIND OF WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT HIM.
>>Greg: SO YOU ENJOY DON LEMON
BECAUSE HE’S NOT VERY BRIGHT,
AND HE KNOWS IT.
>> HE’S MR. RORK FROM FANTASY
ISLAND.
>> WELCOME TO DON LEMON’S WORLD.
>>Greg: I MEAN THAT IS SO
CORINTHIAN LEATHER ABOUT HIM.
SO UNBELIEVABLY CHEESY IN A 1979
WAY I JUST I DON’T KNOW, HE’S
HAO Y PUSHES MY BUTTONS.
>> YOU REALLY ARE DIPLOMATIC.
I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU YOU FISH
A LOT WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
FISHING WITH?
OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD HAVE TO BE
WITH DON.
DON LEMON IN HIS VERY FAMOUS
INTERVIEW ON THE RECORD AT LUNCH
REFERRED IN FACT ORDERED FOR
DESSERT LEMON SOR-BET, AND WHEN
CORRECTED HE SAID I’M AFRAID
IT’S PRONOUNCED SOR-BET.
HE DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HO
HAD NO IDEA HOW TO PRONOUNCE THE
FROZEN DESSERT, AND HE WASN’T
EMBARRASSED. MY DREAM IS TO
HAVE A LONG DINNER WITH DON
LEMON.
>>Greg: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK
UNITES BOTH OF THOSE CANDIDATES
FOR DUMBEST PERSON AT CNN IS THE
LACK OF EMBARRASSMENT.
>> YES.
>>Greg: THEY GO OUT THERE, THEY
DELIVER THE SAME TYPE EVERY DAY,
BUT THEY WAKE UP AND THEY’RE AS
HAPPY AS CLAMS.
>> I DISAGREE, I DISAGREE.
CHRIS CUOMO’S TOTALLY TORMENTED.
RETURN YO WATCH CHRIS CUOMO AND
THERE’S A DEEP SELF LOATHING.
LIKE, HE KNOWS HOW DUMB HE IS,
AND HE’S MAD ABOUT IT.
THAT’S WHAT THE, YOU KNOW,
ANABOLIC STEROIDS ARE ABOUT
OBVIOUSLY.
DON LEMON IS TOTALLY HAPPY IN
HIS MINDLESS HAZE.
>>Greg: I WANT TO ASK THE PANEL
HERE.
WHO’S BEING MOST PERSUASIVE
HERE, DAVE?
>> I THINK TUCKER’S WINNERRING
HERE, BUT I THINK THE NEXT TIME
YOU DO THIS YOU NEED TO WIDE
THAN NET TO MSNBC BECAUSE GET
JOY REED IN THERE AND THEN IT’S
ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.
>>Greg: WE COULD PIT JOY REED
AGAINST - -
>> HE WEAPONNIZES IT.
>>Greg: NICHOLE WALLACE. NEXT
WEEK WE CAN DO JOY REED VERSUS
NICHOLE WALLACE OR WE CAN DO
BRIAN STELTER VERSUS BREANNA
KELLER IS THAT HER NAME? THE FORMER MORNING ZOO GIRL FROM
THE FORMER MORNING ZOO GIRL FROM
THE AM RADIO SHOW IN YAKIMA
WASHING WASHINGTON.
>> SHE’S NOT EVEN ON THE LIST,
SHE Y DOESN’T QUALIFY.
THE WOMAN, NOT JOY REED, THE
OTHER ONE ON MSNBC IS SO
LOATHSOME, I AM PROUD TO SAY I
HAVE NEVER UTTERED HER NAME
SINCE I MET HER IN 1999 WHEN SHE
WAS JEB BUSH’S FLACK. SHE WAS
NASTY AND STUPID THEN, SHE’S
WORSE NOW.
>> THIS MIGHT BE THE GREATEST
SEGMENT.
I SEE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT ME
WITH - -
>> I’M JUST AMAZED BY THE
EXPERTISE THAT YOU BOTH HAVE
ABOUT THE CNN PROGRAMS. ARE YOU
THE ONLY PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO
WATCH THESE SHOWS?
[APPLAUSE]
>> YOU MAKE THE POINT, THE
PEOPLE WHO WATCH THOSE SHOWS ARE
DUMBER THAN - -
>> THEY WATCH IT BECAUSE IT’S SO
DAMN FUNNY.
IT’S FUNNIER THAN LATE NIGHT
COMICS.
TUCKER WE GOTTA ROLL, THANK YOU