Welcome to freestyle canoeing
a sport that not too many people know about
but I wanna put a spotlight on it today
Here's me favorite canoeist Marc Ornstein,
and I'm joined with Moza in the commentary booth.
How are ya mate?
Yeah I'm well oz
Is this as good as it gets?
Yeah nah this is it. He's starting, he's commenced,
the routine has commenced
and look at this beautiful
Beautiful turn on the spot straightaway.
He's on his knees there, which takes a lot of a lot of core strength mate
Yeah, I don't feel like I'm watching an athlete.
I'm not gonna lie to ya
I feel like I'm watching somebody's granddad who's just wandered out from the home
and found himself in a boat
Okay okay
Well nah you begin to appreciate this look at that
another beautiful turn
Full 180
And then off he goes to the right of screen in in a new direction.
Yeah, I think this is his first time in a canoe oz
That's the vibe i'm getting
Oh that's beautiful mate, look at him
Crowd interaction
He's pouring his heart and soul into this canoeing into this routine
and look now backwards.
That's fucken specky, isn't it?
I don't think he's doing anything that special.
I reckon if it was a stick out there floating on the water, just moving
With the water would be doing about,
it would be about as impressive as this
no no no mate fucken just relax
Okay, it's about the gracefulness the elegance it's about getting in the zone
Getting in your fucken Zen.
Well here comes some speed all right look at this.
That's pretty good
He's building up some speed now
Yeah, well okay. It's speed relative to go nowhere, but he's not going anywhere quickly.
Okay, well people like this
You know there's a full crowd
Oz who are these people?
Name the people Oz
Well i don't know them personally, but there's a fan club
Tell me one
I'm on the email list
And some of us out there appreciate this
right okay
it's relaxing
Is that a deep email list
look at that, there's the whole fucking media mate
There's press, there's people interested in it
probably members of his immediate family. I'm guessing
well look fine
You don't want to fucken watch this?
there's got to be something more to the story
nah this is it
This is the routine and it goes on for another two to three-minute
does he get taken by crocodile?
No there's no danger.
Does a tsunami come?
I mean he might tip the canoe, which is
I mean that's pretty suspenseful, isn't it ?
well yeah at the speed is moving
He's gonna have to be working hard to tip.
It's on an angle there. He could go in
He could fall in the drink
But he doesn't because this is a trained athlete.
That's his one trick almost,
Almost capsizing is his one trick.
You don't appreciate these subculture sports
You don't appreciate these fucken
look at this beautiful beautiful
putting his heart and soul into this canoe
Oz this is some bullshit
All right fine.
I'll put your fucking favorite racoon video on again. How's that?
Oh thank christ. This is a top video.
You love this video you cream in your jocks every time you watch it
Why is that?
Well it's just so relatable isn't it Oz?
We've all been there
We've all had a big night out on the town
We found a dark quiet forest to have a cheeky lie down to recover and you know a tree falls on your guts
You're right, that's happened to me half a dozen times in the past
I relate to this raccoon
this raccoon is me bloody spirit animal.
It's like come on excuse me. I'm stuck again
Can you give us a hand?
yeah cheers It's a bit embarrassing
It's a long story, but if you could just help me out here.
Just really anything you could do, anything...
BUT DON'T TOUCH
Don't touch me fucken face
Do not touch my face
I am under this tree, the tree's not under me. There no need to touch me
Now what the fuck is this strategy all about?
Ahhhh
This is goin dark.
there's some sort of waterboarding scenario coming up
they've gone full Guantanamo Bay
They're distrusting the raccoon. They think it's some kind of fucken terrorist
Oh, they think he's a member of Isis they want him to give up names.
He doesn't know anything.
No
they're digging a grave They've given up
they've given up they're not rescuing this raccoon at all
They're bloody just digging a grave for him
Ohhh mate that poor raccoon needs the air he's like look fellas I'm not dead I'm not dead
I just gotta jump on me face
I'm not a terrorist i'm not dead
I'm not even stuck, I'm out I'm out
Here he goes
it was good the humans were okay
and straight back up a tree probably not his best choice.
No, that's a shit idea
Meanwhile over in Africa, it's just a peaceful day. There's no lions or predators
You know all the wildebeests and the Zebras they just hanging out the waterhole having a good time
I always knew they could be friends
There's a high level of compatibility between the...
oh wait a second whoa what some bullshit is going down
What has happened here?
some bloke's just been dropped
There it it, there it is
Dodgy fucken zebra
that is filthy as shit just kick him straight in the temple knocked him out cold
That's a coward kick is what that is
I mean look at the zebra run away like it's part of the rest of the pack
Like it hasn't done anything
And this bloke he's sitting there going "I'm alright, I'm alright, I can get up, I can get up.
ARGH" And his mate's just there going "No, nah son, take a day off sick."
Yep yet have a mid strength beer and a panadol
have a lay down, you're good
look at the fucking audacity of the zebras here
coming back all arrogant and shit.
Oh this cheeky prick pretending didn't even know what happened
what's happened to ya mate. What's happened to ya?
Yeah what happened?
Was it a lion?
Yeah, I reckon it was a lion I saw a lion around here
or was a climate change?
Yeah I didn't see anything mate
Yeah I don't know what it could've been, anyway let's keep having a feed
It's a bloody mistery
Yeah, what's happening up on the couch. I reckon I'm a big boy. I can if I can get up there
Now's the time to be able to do it. I'll do a big jump
Here we go three two ahhhh
Now you fucked it
Moz I've been watching married at first sight
the relationship experts are full of shit
Can you tell me what's actually going on?
Alright now this scene is a thing of beauty
you see a man's face change from hopeful of getting a route to dead certain he's getting a route
Watch the change, Watch the change, Watch the...
there it was
You see that?
What's that?
no no no look at the face look like the eye brows lifted, look at the look in the eyes
I can't see shit
No no okay, here we go again
So he's thinking about getting a route
Thinking about getting a route thinking about getting a route
bit hopeful bit hopeful
and Bam Bam Bam Bam
He is in like Flynn
Right the eyebrow raise signifies excitement than he's getting a route.
Yeah, that's right
Yeah that's right. The smile broadens, bit of a look in her eyes, there's a shot of her feet.
What the fuck?
What?
Now
How did we get back here?
Relax, enjoy it, all good
Fuck mate there is nothing to enjoy I made my feelings very clear at this before
this is better than those fucken ASMR
fucken low talking soft talking videos that everyone falls asleep to
this is more relaxing
Mate this is.. I am reassessing our lives What have we done wrong to end up here
Can you not appreciate anything about freestyle canoeing
the picture-perfect scenery
Mate there is nothing to look at here.
There is an old cunt floating about on a boat
He's not an old cunt he's a fucking young man in his prime doing what he loves
Can you don't appreciate that?
Mate you have lost the...
Sportsmanship
Nah
The craft
Nah
the fitness
Nah
Nothing?
Nothing there's noth... the Farnese sandwich
What the fuck, I need a sandwich
Now you fucked it