>> Stephen: WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TOMORROW MARKS ONE MONTH SINCE THE ELECTION, AND THE PRESIDENT
HAS SPENT THAT ENTIRE TIME THROWING A LOUD, PANTS-FILLING
TANTRUM.
IF WE DON'T CHANGE PRESIDENTS SOON, HE'S GOING TO GET A RASH.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF OUR
NEVER-ENDING SEGMENT...
>> ♪ DUMP! DUMP! DUMP!
ILLEGAL MASSIVE DUMPS!
♪ I'M A DOPE, PROUD BOYEEEE! ♪
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE"
>> Stephen: WOOO!
THE PRESIDENT'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT FAKE ELECTION FRAUD ARE MORE
THAN JUST RECREATIONAL WHINING.
IN FACT, HIS REFUSAL TO CONCEDE IS SEEN BY SOME OF HIS
FOLLOWERS AS A CALL TO ARMS, WHICH HAS MADE FOR A DANGEROUS
SITUATION DOWN IN GEORGIA, WHERE THERE HAVE BEEN MANY THREATS OF
VIOLENCE, INCLUDING AGAINST A 20-YEAR-OLD VOTING SYSTEM
CONTRACTOR WHO WAS TARGETED BY SOMEONE WHO HUNG A NOOSE AND
DECLARED THAT THE WORKER SHOULD BE "HUNG FOR TREASON," AND
CARAVANS OF HORN-HONKING MAGA SUPPORTERS CONSTANTLY PARADING
PAST SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER'S PRIVATE
RESIDENCE.
WELL, THAT CARAVAN FINALLY SHOWED UP, AND THE PRESIDENT WAS
RIGHT-- IT'S FULL OF BAD HOMBRES LOOKING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY.
WELL, IN RESPONSE, YESTERDAY, ONE OF GEORGIA'S TOP ELECTION
OFFICIALS, GABRIEL STERLING, A REPUBLICAN, GAVE AN EMOTIONAL
PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE IT HAS
ALL GONE TOO FAR, ALL OF IT.
A 20-SOMETHING TECH IN GWINNETT COUNTY TODAY HAS DEATH THREATS
AND A NOOSE PUT OUT, SAYING HE SHOULD BE HUNG FOR TREASON
BECAUSE HE WAS TRANSFERRING A REPORT ON BATCHES FROM AN E.M.S.
TO A COUNTY COMPUTER SO HE COULD READ IT.
IT HAS TO STOP.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE KNOW HOW THINGS END WHEN YOU TELL THE
PRESIDENT TO STOP: $130,000 CHECK, BUT ONLY IF THE ENTIRE
STATE OF GEORGIA SIGNS AN N.D.A.
ANYWAY THE SPEECH BLEW UP YESTERDAY AND THIS GEORGIAN
ELECTION OFFICIAL WAS PRAISED FOR HIS COURAGE, HIS CLARITY,
AND HIS CALL FOR CIVILITY.
AND THE PRESIDENT HEARD THAT AND POPPED OPEN A CAN OF SUCK IT.
TODAY AROUND 4:00 EASTERN CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED A
CONSPIRACY THEORY-FILLED RANT ON FACEBOOK-- NO PRESS, NO
QUESTIONS.
NOT EVEN THE MEDIATING LOWER THIRD GRAPHICS OF CABLE NEW.
JUST UNCUT, CRAZY PACKED INTO A STRAW AND BLOWN RIGHT INTO THE
BRAIN STEM OF THE KAMIKAZE MAGA DEAD-ERNDS.
AND HE STARTED WITH THIS: >> THIS MAY BE THE MOST
IMPORTANT SPEECH I'VE EVER MADE.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MISREAD ONE WORD, MR. PRESIDENT.
IT MAY BE THE MOST "IMPOTENT" SPEECH YOU EVER MADE.
BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ANOTHER RAMBLING MASS OF LIES THAT
LASTED A FULL 46 MINUTES.
MY BIG COMPLAINT: HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS A WEEK AGO, NOT
BECAUSE HE SAID ANYTHING WORTH HEARING, BUT AT LEAST THE PEOPLE
WHO CANCELLED A BIG FAMILY THANKSGIVING COULD HAVE
PRETENDED THEY WERE STILL EATING WITH THEIR RACIST UNCLE.
AND HE. BROUGHT. PROPS.
>> IN WISCONSIN, AS AN EXAMPLE, WHERE WE WERE WAY UP ON ELECTION
NIGHT, THEY ULTIMATELY HAD US MIRACULOUSLY LOSING BY 20,000
VOTES.
AND I CAN SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE THAT WISCONSIN, WE'RE LEADING
BY A LOT.
AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE MORNING, THERE WAS THIS.
IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES.
>> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE MASSIVE DUMPS?
BUT GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO LAID OUT SOME PRETTY INTERESTING THEORIES.
>> ALSO, IN ARIZONA, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL ANNOUNCED THAT
MAIL-IN BALLOTS HAD BEEN STOLEN FROM MAILBOXES AND HIDDEN UNDER
A ROCK.
>> Stephen: "HIDDEN UNDER A ROCK"?
IN ARIZONA?
IN THE DESERT?
DID A FAST BIRD GOING "MEEP MEEP" DO THIS AND YOU TRIED
TO CHASE THE BIRD, AND YOU RAN INTO A PAINTING OF A TUNNEL ON
THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN?
BY THE WAY, IF YOU RUN OFF A CLIFF, YOU'LL BE FINE, AS LONG
AS YOU DON'T LOOK DOWN.
SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT
EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED.
>> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED,
BUT THAT'S OKAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN, YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE AND HAVE
NEVER DESERVED.
AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE
PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER, AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD
YOU PARDONING YOURSELF.
PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.
AND HERE'S THE THING: ALL THE CONTESTED STATES ARE NOW
CERTIFIED.
IT'S OVER.
AND STILL, STILL REPUBLICANS ARE TERRIFIED TO SPEAK THAT BASIC
TRUTH.
TAKE G.O.P. SENATOR AND ORVILLE REDENBACHER AFTER LASIK, RON
JOHNSON.
IN A PHONE CALL TWO AND A HALF WEEKS AGO, JOHNSON REPORTEDLY
CONFESSED HE KNOWS BIDEN WON BUT WON'T ADMIT IT, BECAUSE IT WOULD
BE "POLITICAL SUICIDE."
REALLY?
I WOULD SAY THE REAL POLITICAL SUICIDE IS REFUSING TO DISTANCE
YOURSELF FROM A PRESIDENT WHO HAS LOST AND IS WILLING TO
DESTROY DEMOCRACY AND YOUR PARTY OUT OF SPITE.
IT'S LIKE THE G.O.P. IS SAYING, "HEY, LET'S PLAY HANDS ON A HARD
BODY ON THIS RUNNING PICKUP TRUCK INSIDE THE GARAGE.
NO ONE OPEN THE DOOR TO LET THE OXYGEN IN.
THAT WOULD BE POLITICAL SUICIDE.
AND IT WOULD HURT THE TRUCK'S FEELINGS.
SO SLEEPY!
PLUS, THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE LOST!
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
BECAUSE HE IS TAKING LEGAL PRECAUTIONS.
WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT HE HAS DISCUSSED PARDONS FOR HIS THREE
ELDEST CHILDREN AND RUDY GIULIANI AND HIS SON-IN-LAW,
JARED KUSHNER.
NOW, THUS FAR, WE DON'T KNOW THE CRIMES THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE
GUILTY OF, AND NEITHER DOES THE PRESIDENT.
HE WOULD BE SHIELDING THEM FROM PROSECUTION WITH WHAT ARE
KNOWN AS PREEMPTIVE PARDONS.
IT'S A CLASSIC MOVE.
( AS HUSBAND )
WHAT I DID WITH THE NEIGHBOR AFTER YOU FORGIVE ME.
DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
GOOD.
NOW I WON'T TELL YOU, BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY FORGIVEN ME, AND
IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IS THAT REALLY FORGIVENESS?"
BUT IT DOES LEAD TO ONE OBVIOUS QUESTION: WHAT ARE THEY GUILTY
OF?
FOR SOME OF THEM, IT'S PRETTY EASY.
JARED KUSHNER HAS LONG BEEN SUSPECTED OF SHADY FINANCIAL
DEALINGS, PLUS HE'S OBVIOUSLY SLENDER MAN.
PROSECUTORS ARE INVESTIGATING DON JR. FOR FIRST-DEGREE
DOUCHEBAG WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE.
I BELIEVE IT GOES NICKEL BAG, DIME BAG, DOUCHEBAG.
AND IVANKA LOOKS LIKE MAYBE SHE SHOPLIFTS FOR THRILLS.
HOW ELSE DID SHE GET THAT CAN OF BEANS?
I DON'T BELIEVE ERIC HAS VIOLATED ANY LAWS, BUT HE'S
STILL GRATEFUL TO GET A PARDON.
( AS ERIC )
THAT MY DAD HAS EVER GIVEN ME.
ALSO, THE ONLY CHRISTMAS GIFT."
NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO HASN'T COMMITTED A LOT OF CRIME-- THAT
I KNOW OF-- A PREEMPTIVE BLANKET PARDON FOR EVERYTHING
YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE DONE SEEMS A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.
CRIME-ING IS LIKE DRINKING: IT'S A RED FLAG IF YOU DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD OR CRIMES YOU'VE DONE.
AND IN RUDY'S CASE, HOW MANY CRIMES YOU'VE DONE WHILE
NOT KNOWING HOW MANY DRINKS YOU'VE HAD.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, UNLIKE THE KIDS, RUDY IS FACING SPECIFIC
ALLEGATIONS.
THE F.B.I. IS REPORTEDLY INVESTIGATING GIULIANI'S
UKRAINE EFFORTS, INCLUDING HIS POSSIBLE TIES TO RUSSIAN
INTELLIGENCE.
ALTHOUGH, RUDY BELIEVES HE CAN PROVE IT'S ACTUALLY THE F.B.I.
THAT'S CORRUPT, BASED ON SOME DOCUMENTS HE GOT FROM HIS
FRIENDS IN RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.
IT'S FUN TO GUESS WHICH MEMBER OF THE ADMINISTRATION DID WHAT,
WHICH IS WHY WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE CREATED THIS FUN
"CRIMINAL ACTIVITY PAGE."
FOR YOU TO DOWNLOAD.
ON THE LEFT, YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE POTENTIAL PARDON-GETTERS,
AND ON THE RIGHT, THERE'S A LIST OF CRIMES, LIKE MONEY
LAUNDERING, TAX EVASION, AND SNORTING COKE OFF THE LAST
LIVING BLACK RHINO.
YOU HAVE TO MATCH THE PERSON TO THEIR CRIME.
AND THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
OF COURSE, IT'S NOT JUST RUDY AND THE KIDS.
SEVERAL OF THE PRESIDENT'S ALLIES HAVE BEGUN A CAMPAIGN TO
PETITION THE WEST WING IN HOPES OF SECURING PARDONS.
ONE WHITE HOUSE SOURCE SAYS, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF
CALLS-- SOME INSANE-- WE'VE GOTTEN."
OH, I BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING A LOT OF CALLS.
WHAT I DON'T BELIEVE IS THAT ONLY SOME OF THEM ARE INSANE,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST MEMBERS OF THIS ADMINISTRATION.
"TIGER KING" JOE EXOTIC'S ATTORNEY SAID HE BELIEVES THEY
ARE CLOSE TO GETTING A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON."
OH, COME ON.
A RIDICULOUS, WASHED-UP, PARANOID, OBVIOUSLY GUILTY
REALITY STAR MIGHT PARDON JOE EXOTIC?
( ♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪
>> Stephen: EXOTIC SUBMITTED A FORMAL APPLICATION FOR A PARDON,
WHERE HE TOLD THE PRESIDENT, "IF I HAVE EVER LOOKED UP TO ANYONE,
IT WOULD BE YOU."
YEAH, JOE EXOTIC HAS MODELED HIS CAREER ON THE PRESIDENT.
I MEAN, THEY EVEN GET THEIR HAIR FROM THE SAME CADAVER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE KATE WINSLET AND MICHAEL ERIC DYSON.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IT'S ORGY TIME.
OH, YEAH.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪