[MUSIC PLAYING]
Yum, yum, yum.
He was delicious.
Hey, listen, I don't know about you,
but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse.
[LAUGHTER]
Darling, right next to the public toilets?
Yes.
Orgy stuff.
A few of my favorite things, as they say.
The cat of nine tails.
My codpiece.
Bat codpiece.
200-year-old peekaboo cape-- the idea being you
walk into the orgy, you announce yourself, and then do that.
Ooh, do you remember that first time that we made love,
and it was so passionate that I accidentally cut off your head?
No. What?
Mm.
But then I kept going, squeezing,
until my needs were met.
Mhm.
We should do that again.
But I mustn't.
(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK) But I want to.
(GROWLING) But you can't.
But I haven't murdered for such a long time.
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
[GROWLING]
I must go.
OK.
I'm here.
[CROWD MURMURING]
The night for the orgy has arrived.
Stiffness.
Don't be [INAUDIBLE].
It's some kind of--
hey.
Hello.
I must say, I'm not sure I fully disapprove of this seduction.
Relaxing, really.
Some might say erotic.
I don't know about you, old chap,
but I have a raging hard-on.
Not now, my love.
I am coming for you.
Be strong.
Coming.
Not now.
I mean, um, in your own time, my darling.
No immediate hurry.
'Tis time to begin the extraction.
The what now?
Removal of your semen.
Ooh, yes.
Well, I'm quite keen on that idea, let that be known.
I've just remembered the last time me
and the baron were making love, he said something to me.
If you ever get to the New World, my dear,
take over the land and subjugate the entire population.
Otherwise, I'll have your head.
But I couldn't pay attention, because he
was doing that thing where he pays a lot of attention
to your area.
The thing is, he's got this irritating habit of giving you
orders just at the moment of climax,
so you're both there in the moment
and then he barks an order.
You heard what?
[MOANS] What?
Nothing.
I beg your pardon?
(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK) What are you saying?
And he never repeats what he said.
Expects you to have listened during the climax.
Obviously, the orgy standard of having a mirrored ceiling
doesn't really work for vampires.
So we have developed our own way.
I don't-- I--
I don't know what you want me to say.
Just describe what you see.
Um, it's a beautiful scene.
Someone is seductively riding a candlestick up and down.
Someone's on the couch sucking and getting suck [INAUDIBLE]
Louder!
Oh, geez.
We need specifics.
What am I doing to my ass cheeks?
You are-- you're licking it?
Can you just describe what you see?
It's not hard. Good boy.
That's right.
Must be my birthday.
[SIREN WAILING]
I can't.
I'm sorry.
It's a pleasure swing, you fuck-nut, not a sex net.
That's the sex net.
Get that out of the box and attach it to the ceiling.
Gizmo, get the dildos.
Gizmo, try out the dildos.
Mm, how are the dildos?
They're fine.
One night, I was awoken by this horrible clawing
at the window.
And I thought, who the hell is that?
Because I live on the third floor.
So I went to investigate it.
I threw back the curtain, when I saw the most beautiful woman
I had ever seen.
But she was gripping the window and she
was clawing at the glass.
I was hypnotized.
I used hypnosis on him.
Anyway, obviously, I invited her in.
We're about to make love when she
turned into this hideous, leathery bat thing.
She drained me of my blood, giving me
the curse of eternal life, and thus making me
a bloodthirsty creature of the night.
You remember the precise moment Nigel took our life?
I was on the verge of a sexual climax.
Well, here's the thing.
I was on the verge of fulfillment,
yet I couldn't quite finish.
Ah, I see.
You want to finish your final human orgasm.
Yes.
I've tried to finish myself off with these hands,
but they're ghost hands.
They don't have the necessary stimulus.
Hm.
How irritating.
Yeah.
Whereas your meat hands I'm convinced
would give me the traction for full sexual release.
Ugh.
What is all this sticky stuff?
Oh, it's everywhere.
Is it ghost ectoplasm?
Yes, my darling.
That's exactly what it is, ghost ectoplasm.
Ew.
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]