- I was at home when my son busted in
and he said, "Dad, Dad, I need $250."
He's only 12 years old so I freaked out.
"What's going on nigger?
"Somebody trying to kill you?"
(audience laughing)
He said, "No, no.
"Kevin Hart's coming to town and I wanted to see his show."
I said, "Well, how much are the tickets?"
He said, "They're $125."
I said, "God damn, mine are only $80!"
(audience laughing)
I said, "Why do you need $250 then?"
He goes, "Because I want to go with you, Dad, please?"
And there it is.
So I took him to the show.
And we go sit right up front, the lights go down,
and one opening act after another goes on.
Then Kevin takes the stage, crowd goes fucking nuts.
Thousands of people!
I was furious.
(audience laughing)
The longer the show went on, the madder I got.
Because his show was fucking outstanding.
It was maddening.
These people fucking holding their stomachs,
my son was slapping his knee.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ugh, nigger, I do this too.
(audience laughing)
Kevin says good night, the crowd goes crazy,
and then everyone starts walking towards the door,
and the lights come on.
And then my son is just standing there
looking at an empty stage.
People are pushing past me and nobody's recognized me,
and I'm like, "Man, this place fucking sucks!"
(audience laughing)
I said, "Come on son, lets get out of here."
And then my son looks back at me and he says,
"Dad, please, please, I have to meet him."
I was like, "Oh my God."
So I took him back stage.
I've known Kevin for years,
but can you believe I was scared
to knock on his dressing room door?
I almost, "Son, I haven't seen him or a long time, but I,"
(knocking)
And one of Kevin's goons opens the door.
"Hey what's up Dave Chappelle, what are you doing, man?
"It's good to see ya brother,
"what are you doing in this area?
"This is a terrible area."
"Yeah, actually I live around here.
"Listen, um,
(audience laughing)
"is Kevin here?
"My son just wanted to meet him real quick."
"Well, I don't know, 'cause Kevin's about to eat dinner."
Just then, Kevin came around the corner to see who it was.
"Oh shit, what's up Dave?
"Come on back, I was just about to have dinner.
"I don't know if you guys ate,
"but you're welcome to join me if you'd like."
And then my son pushed past with some cold shit, he goes,
"Actually, Mr. Hart, we haven't eaten in several hours."
(audience laughing)
Man, Kevin took us into his back room,
this guy had a fucking spread, it was Tuesday night,
this mother fucker was having Sunday dinner!
It was steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it.
My son was eating all fast and embarrassing me,
I was like, "Slow down, son!"
(audience laughing)
Then I looked over in the corner, there was a box.
Custom made jerseys for the local team.
Each one was hand-stitched,
and on the back they stitched on them K Hart,
on all of them.
Kevin saw me staring at that box,
and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys
and he walked right to my son and said,
"Hey little man, I want you to have this."
And my son was like, "Thanks, Mr. Hart."
This is when I got mad.
He goes, "If your father ever makes you mad, put that on."
And he walked off.
(audience applauding)
Oh, that was some cold shit.
And then I realized, looked up what Kevin made on Google,
I couldn't believe that shit.
Kevin is the first comedian
that a Drake song could be about.
Kevin could walk around the house and sing "All Me"
and the whole song would still be true.
♪ Got everything, I got everything ♪
♪ I cannot complain, I cannot ♪
♪ I don't even know how much I really made ♪
♪ I forgot, it's a lot ♪
♪ Fuck that, never mind what I got ♪
And his wife be like, "Kevin come to bed."
And he'd be like,
"Ho, shut the fuck up, I got way too much."
(audience laughing)
You know how much money you have to have
to tell a girl to shut the fuck up?
I have quite please money at best.
(audience laughing)
I have to take a loan out for shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up, that's Jay-Z money.
And Beyonce got no, you shut the fuck up.