Yo, Roy!
What's goin' on?
- Yeah.
Yo.
How's it goin' over there, man?
- I've missed your face, man.
This is fun.
- I'm all right, man.
I'm doin' okay over here.
My three-year-old flushed a full bar of soap
down the toilet, so for about 14 hours
we didn't have nowhere to take a du--
Like, you ever had--
pray you don't have to take a dump,
'cause you know you can't ta--
Like, this is the worst time to need another bathroom.
Other than your-- - Wait.
Wait, so your son flushed soap down the toilet?
- Not soap, don't say soap.
It's a bar of soap.
A whole ass bar of soap, brand new,
and it got clogged in the corner.
So I went on Twitter asking questions
and somebody-- - But why didn't you just--
Yeah, so why didn't you just pull it out?
- 'Cause it's down under there.
You know, the toilet, the turd goes down, up, and down.
When a turd goes-- - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that thing.
Okay, yeah, that thing.
- So the soap was there.
So I couldn't get ...
- Right.
- So I had to ...
Hanger, I tried-- (child yelling)
- Is that him?
- Yeah, man.
(laughing)
- You know, dude, the only thing worse than coronavirus
is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time.
I have never been happier to not have a child in my life.
(laughing)
- He just yells for no reason.
(laughing)
- Does he even understand what the shutdown is?
Does he understand self-distancing.
- He think this is spring break.
He keeps waking up, he goes, "School?"
And I go, "No school."
And he goes, "Yeah, no school!"
And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning.
Grilled cheese and apples every morning.
- Man.
I feel sorry for you.
I'm sorry.
- How you doin'?
- I'm good, I'm great.
I won't lie.
Like, I mean, I'm worried about people.
I don't know where the world is going.
I'll tell you, the biggest stress I have
is that I don't know if I have corona or not,
'cause you don't show symptoms,
so I don't know if I have it.
What if I already had it, and then like,
maybe I don't have it anymore.
Do you know what I mean?
And then like, I'm immune, I could be in the streets.
But now I don't know, because I haven't,
'cause I can't get tested.
You can't get tested unless you really show symptoms,
so I don't know.
So, yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me.
- It's like a lot of famous people are getting tested.
That's what it seems like.
Seem like what you need to do,
you need to do what I'm gonna do.
I'm joining the NBA.
That's how I'm gonna get my test.
I already thought about this.
I already ordered a jersey and everything.
- That doesn't, I don't even know ...
What are you saying?
- If you want to get tested for corona, join the NBA.
NBA show symptom, they test 'em immediately.
They tested all of the Utah Jazz.
They tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder.
When it first-- - Oh yeah.
Yeah, the Brooklyn Nets, I think,
what, four players got tested.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, four players were confirmed.
Yeah, they tested everybody.
- Yeah.
So, if you want to get a test ...
I've been lookin' on the TV,
all I see are these corona tests
and people lining up at 6:00 in the morning.
The testing doesn't start til 9:00.
You don't even up that early for Jordans.
You get to the mall a hour before it opened for Jordans.
And people are there four hours.
That's how dire this is.
- That's like the new ...
The way you just said it makes it sound
like corona testing is gonna be the new swag.
- Yeah.
- Like rappers are gonna be in their videos
like, "Yeah, got that corona test.
"Got all corona tests."
- Yeah, with a (garbled speech)
mask on. - Bugattis and corona tests.
- With a N95 mask on they face.
(laughing)
Hey, hey, you ain't got my mask.
Bitch I got the mask. - Got that corona test.
Yo, yo, corona.
Wait, but now ...
But now, if you say celebrities get it,
then how come we haven't gotten the test?
- I think this is ...
If there's ever a time to confirm
whether or not you an A-list celebrity ...
- Wow.
- This is the time.
'Cause if you look at the celebrities that's got it,
top shelf.
Idris Elba.
- Tom Hanks. - Tom.
They're people that are bonafide stars.
- Wow.
- If you're doin' Hallmark movies, you might not get a test.
They might just not ...
I'm nervous.
I'm gonna be honest.
This is myself included.
(laughing)
You might be good.
- Oh, man.
I haven't gotten the test, though, so I mean ...
- I'm saying, if we was both in line to get the corona test,
and the swab lady came down the line,
she's be like, "Oh, Trevor Noah, come."
And I'd be like, "What about me?"
And she's be like, "No, Anthony Anderson.
"I don't watch Black-ish."
(laughing)
That's what would happen.
- Oh, man!
Oh, dude.
I hope you're wrong.
I heard too many people are trying to get the test,
so maybe that's a good thing.
I don't know.
Or maybe they should say every NBA player/movie star
that gets tested has to bring
a friend to get tested with them.
Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody.
- I probably should wear--
I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball.
And I know that for sure I have enough
to make three-fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform.
I have a hat, I have a glove,
I have a jersey, I have cleats.
I just need pants.
- And who are you gonna be on the team?
When they say, "Oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs?"
who are you gonna say you are?
- They probably won't believe I play baseball
'cause I'm black.
It ain't but eight of us left.
So, I probably gotta learn Spanish
and trick 'em in to thinking I'm Dominican.
I don't--
Look, I'm just hoping that we continue to remain
alone together and that I don't get any symptoms.
(child yelling)
- Is that ...
- Hey, let me go, man.
- Is everything okay?
- This boy, man.
I'm sorry.
- Roy, what's going on?
- I'm sorry.
Ay!
Stop eatin' the toilet tissue!
This boy's eatin' toilet tissue.
That's like eatin' money.
That's actually worse than eatin' money.
Ay, eat this $20 bill.
Don't do that.
- Roy, are you ...
All right, I'll chat to you later.
(Roy screams)
Yo Jabouki, what's going on, man?
- Yo Trevor, what's up, how's it going, how's it going?
You holding up? - Man,
I've missed your face, dude, this is crazy.
- Over this beautiful Skype quality.
- Yeah, I'm loving this.
Man, I was chatting to Roy yesterday,
his kid is running around the house, it's wild.
I feel like everyone is trying to
just stay sane right now, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me and my plants,
we're going at it, we're having fun.
- Is that a real plant?
- That's a real plant, it's my
best friend now, his name is Wilson.
- Wilson (laughs)?
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, like most of the time I'm fine,
but then there's moments where like I'm going crazy.
Like not being at work, there's moments
where I'm just like ah what do you do with,
like what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm just obsessively on Twitter,
on Instagram, on Twitter, on Instagram,
just going back and forth between those two pretty much.
- Yeah, but that's what you normally do.
- Well right, but the wifi at work
is like so much faster, so.
- Oh, so this is more stressful, I guess.
- It's actually been pretty hard on me.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
my retweet to like ratio is down by half.
- Yeah, I guess everyone's got a different corona struggle.
- I've been thinking like there's
so many possibilities online, like I might get ordained
as a minister, I might adopt a child online.
There's really a lot that I could do.
- You can adopt a child online?
- Yeah.
- Wow, there's so many things about the internet
I feel like you could teach me.
Anyway, all right. - TikTok.
- Yeah, we should do a TikTok together, that would be fun.
I see like everyone's doing the thing.
- Yeah.
- That'll be cool, any way dude,
thanks for calling, man, I was even surprised
that you called, that was dope.
- Yeah, I really think it's important
that we check on older people during this time.
So if you need any groceries, prune juice,
metamucil, suppositories, what was your list?
- Jaboukie, I think when they say that
they're talking about like actual old people.
I'm not old, like I'm basically the same age as you.
Like when they say old they mean like old, old.
I'm not old. - Yeah.
- I always tell you this.
- Well, that's awesome, okay bye, take your medicine.