YOU KNOW HOW TIME WORKS.
EVERY DAY WE GET CLOSER TO THE 2020 ELECTION, AND THE DEMOCRATS
HAVE NARROWED THEIR CHOICES DOWN TO EVERYONE.
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT HERE.
THESE, MY FRIENDS, ARE THE DEMOCRATS THAT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS ARE RUNNING OR THINKING OF RUNNING.
IF YOU SEE YOUR FACE IN HERE, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT
THIS WAY.
( LAUGHTER )
MMM!
BERNIE SANDERS, TALCUM POWDER AND SMOKED WHITEFISH.
( APPLAUSE )
HOT DEM-ON-DEM ACTION IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF "DOIN'
IT DONKEY STYLE."
WITH SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE RACE, DEMOCRATS ARE ALREADY PEACOCKING
IN ORDER TO STAND OUT.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT BERNIE'S BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT CANDIDATES WITHOUT A SIGNATURE HAIRSTYLE HAVE BEEN
EXPERIMENTING WITH SIGNATURE ISSUES.
FOR EXAMPLE, MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND FRIEND'S MOM WHO
EVEN COMES TO YOUR GRADUATION, ELIZABETH WARREN.
WARREN HELD A TOWN HALL THIS WEEK IN THE QUAINT LITTLE
TOWN OF "CNN," WHERE SHE PROPOSED APOLICY THAT WAS A REAL
CROWD PLEASER.
>> MY VIEW IS THAT EVERY VOTE MATTERS.
WE CAN HAVE NATIONAL VOTING, AND THAT MEANS GET RID OF THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND EVERYBODY--
( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: SURE, THEY LIKED IT, BUT COME ON.
IF YOU GET RID OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, YOU TURN THE ELECTION
INTO SOME KIND OF POPULARITY CONTEST.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A STROKER.
NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO THE DEMOCRATS, OF COURSE, THE
400-POUND DONKEY IN THE ROOM IS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
GRANDPA ABOUT TO SCORE WITH THE DENNY'S WAITRESS, JOE BIDEN.
EVEN THOUGH HE'S LEADING IN THE POLLS, BIDEN STILL NEEDS
SOMETHING TO STAND OUT.
ONE OPTION HE'S REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING IS ACTUALLY RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
ANOTHER IS SELECTING A RUNNING MATE EARLY.
IT IS ADORABLE THAT JOE BIDEN THINKS THE THING EVERYONE REALLY
CARES ABOUT IS WHO THE VICE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE.
(AS BIDEN)
GUYS?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT ALL WE REMEMBER FROM THE LAST
PRESIDENCY, AM I RIGHT?
BARACK WHO?"
ONE CANDIDATE REALLY STRUGGLING TO STAND OUT IS TECH
ENTREPRENEUR AND BUSINESS CASUAL BRO, ANDREW YANG.
YANG HAS ALREADY MADE A NAME FOR HIMSELF BY SUPPORTING A
UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME, WHICH MEANS HE PROPOSES A SET OF
GUARANTEED PAYMENTS OF $1,000 PER MONTH TO ALL U.S. CITIZENS
OVER THE AGE OF 18.
$1,000 A MONTH COULD CHANGE A LOT OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.
FOR ONE THING, I'D FINALLY GET PAID $12,000 A YEAR FOR MY
POETRY.
( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER SIGNATURE ISSUE THAT'S ON THE TIP OF EVERYONE'S...
WELL, YOU'LL SEE.
BECAUSE ON TWITTER, HE WAS ASKED, "DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION
ON ROUTINE INFANT CIRCUMCISION?" TO WHICH YANG REPLIED, "NEGATIVE
ON IT."
TO WHICH @JellyfishRave REPLIED, "JUST TO BE CLEAR, IS THAT A
NEGATIVE, AS IN YOU'RE AGAINST THE PRACTICE-- WHICH I'M
ASSUMING-- OR NEGATIVE AS IN YOU HAVE NO OPINION?
THANKS!" AND YANG SPECIFIED, "AGAINST THE
PRACTICE."
THAT IS SOME REAL JOURNALISTIC DUE DILIGENCE FROM
@JellyfishRave.
SO, YANG HAS TAKEN A PUBLIC STAND THAT HE WANTS TO KEEP MALE
GENITALS INTACT.
I CAN SEE THE YARD SIGNS NOW: "ANDREW YANG FOR A BETTER WANG!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT 100% WORTH IT.
LONG WALK TO THE WANG.
AND YANG THINKS THIS IS AN IMPORTANT VOTING BLOC FOR HIM,
SAYING OF THE ANTI-CIRCUMCISION MOVEMENT, "I'M HIGHLY ALIGNED
WITH THE INTACTIVISTS," NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE
ANTI-NEUTERING MOVEMENT: THE (BLEEP).