- The Win a Day with Sam contest
is something very close to my heart.
And I'm proud to say the benefit
has raised millions for charity.
Now, anyone who knows me
knows I have just very few passions
that I pour my heart and soul into.
Charity, romance, physical fitness, my work on Outlander,
Scotland of course, whiskey, Squid Game,
making the perfect omelet, wax figures of early '90s
sitcom families, Spanish Baroque architecture,
creepy Russian dolls, physical media, CDs, not vinyl.
Judy Blume, novels, sandcastles, yarn--
(beep)
The Golden Girls, the critically underappreciated
Golden Girls spin-off, The Golden Palace.
Did I mention wax figures?
Did I?
Well, that's the list.
Where were we?
Ah, yes, time to meet the winner
of the Win a Day with Sam contest!
I'm told this person donated an extraordinary amount
just to hang out with the little old me.
So I'm gonna give them the best day of their lives.
And the lucky winner is--
- Hey, Sam!
- Alright.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking Christ.
I should've known.
You, you, you have a problem!
If I'm honest, I do not feel safe in here.
This door does not open.
This door doesn't open, help, help, help, help, help!
- Just pull it.
- All right.
Well, let's just make the most of this, shall we?
(bright music)
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
- Oh, hey.
- Right, are you hanging out with somebody else?
- Of course not, no.
- Hey, Sam, let's make a TikTok!
- What!?
I love TikToks!
I've got to go, sorry, bye.
(phone beeps)
♪ It's a great big world ♪
(screams)
♪ And you know that you're wonderful ♪
(laughing)
- Clink!
(gargling)
(Josh vomiting)
- Josh?
- Please tell me you're not hanging out
with Horowitz again.
- Horowitz!?
He's a total dork, he's such a fool.
- Sam, we gotta talk about rainbows.
- I love talking about rainbows!
Gotta go, bye.
- [Woman On Phone] You deserve each other.
♪ You're wonderful, you're wonderful, you're wonderful ♪
♪ You're wonderful ♪
(laughing)
- Can I confess something to you?
- Ooh.
Sounds worrisome, but sure.
- When I first met you,
I pretended to like you. (laughs)
- What!?
- I know.
I found you really annoying, but you know,
people seem to like us together, so you know.
- What about now?
- Now?
Now, well, I'm proud to call you my friend.
- Oh, good.
Okay, whew.
I guess it's time for my confession then, right?
(laughing)
- Oh, in the words of Scooby-Doo, ruh roh!
(laughing)
- When I first met you, I did not care for you.
(laughing)
- No really, but what were you gonna say?
- No, I'm being serious, so when we first met, I--
You were like the lamest dude I'd ever met.
You were annoying, you were arrogant,
you were just like kind of an asshole.
(laughing) - Oh!
That's fine, all right, I can deal with that.
Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah, that's funny.
- Can you just give me a minute?
- What, do you want me to go?
- Yeah, please.
- It's my office.
- I know. (laughing)
I'm lame?
I'm arrogant?
What does he mean?
He's arrogant.
He's the worst!
He's the worst piece of poop I've ever met!
What am I doing?
Lame?
He's right, I am lame.
What am I doing with my life?
My life is a lie.
- Hey, are you gonna be awhile?
I have a meeting coming up.
- Just wanna be alone.
(melancholy piano music)
I just wanna be alone.
(sobbing)
Why, Josh!?
Why!?
Oh, why!? (sobbing)
What does it all mean?
Just give me a sign!
- Sam!
- Oh.
Hey, Josh, I was just practicing for an Outlander scene.
- Yeah?
You didn't let me finish before.
Yeah, I was annoyed by you,
but I was really mostly just annoyed
by how you made me feel.
I felt exposed and vulnerable.
But that was then and this is now.
You're my friend!
- Really?
- Yes! - You mean it?
- Of course I mean it.
Let's have a drink.
- Oh! (laughs)
Well we all know you can't hold your liquor.
I don't think
it's a very good idea. - I'll be fine.
I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna pour us one.
- Ah, it's good to see you, buddy.
- It's so good to see you.
We're friends! - We had a good day.
- Oh, this was the best day ever.
Best day ever.
- Cheers.
Mm, it's strong.
(laughs) More, okay.
(orchestral music)
(groaning)
(phone rings)
- [Woman On Phone] Hey.
- Oh, hey!
- [Woman On Phone] You free?
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, let's hang.
Yeah, yeah, no, I'm--
(Josh vomits)
I'm totally free.