So, you thought you could get away with it, huh?
You thought you could just copy that game without forking over some cash?
For as long as video games have existed, bootlegging games has been a problem.
"Did I hear you right, did I hear you sayin' that you're going to make a copy of a game
without paying?
C'mon, guys.
I thought you knew better, don't copy that floppy."
A lot of people worked really hard making those games, and some of that work even went
into punishing game thieves in some pretty creative ways.
Here are just a few crazy ways video game pirates were punished by developers.
As if this wasn't punishment enough.
"On these disks, we have frozen in time, the creativity of someone's mind.
Do you think just because, with a flick of a key, you can copy the game, that the work is free?"
Living on the edge
When you have a game like Mirror's Edge based entirely around the questionable art of parkour, speed is essential.
Defying the laws of physics and running sideways across a wall isn't for the faint of heart...
or the terminally slow.
Given that momentum is necessary to play the game for more than a minute, the developers
just took it away from any illegitimate copy of the game.
The resulting version of Mirror's Edge is an unplayable, living nightmare in which you've
been struck with a crippling fear of heights.
As pirate gamers approach the game's first intimidating ledge, they gradually slow to
a snail's pace.
Any attempt at movement is severely hampered, and when you can't jump to the next building,
you're pretty much dead.
The pirate learns that they can't play the game, ideally feels a deep sense of nerd shame,
and with any luck, actually pays for a copy of one of 2009's most interesting games about
parkour.
It's like 20 bucks, bro.
Just do it.
A similar technique was used for illegally copied versions of Batman: Arkham Asylum,
basically turning Batman into just some ordinary jerk with a death wish and a dorky costume.
Gliding around like a bat is a pretty important game mechanic, but pirates wouldn't know,
because they don't get to use it.
Once the game fails the usual system check, the ability to glide is simply removed.
Pirate players found out what happens when a person tries to do a bat-glide in reality.
"To the Batmobile!
Aghh!"
The game also made saving impossible, but making the Dark Knight just kinda stumble
off of buildings probably deterred anyone from playing long enough to do anything worth saving.
Total terror
Players of Five Nights at Freddy's are pretty accustomed to getting the living crap scared
out of them, both figuratively and physically…
...but despite how effective the game's usual robot-animal-jump-scares are, the developers
decided that pirates deserve an additional pants-wetting moment that they'll never forget.
Players who attempt to quit their pirated copy of Five Nights will find themselves on
the receiving end of an additional, unscripted, and pretty harsh jump scare.
That's pretty much it... but it works really well.
How cruel is is to keep on pounding on someone after they've already cried "uncle"... even
if they kinda deserve it?
"Broo!
Got ya.
Scared ya.
Scared ya!"
For the birds
As a fairly well-received first person shooter, ARMA 2 became a popular target for pirates
in 2009.
The developers, however, weren't screwing around when they wrote in their anti-piracy code.
Anyone who attempted to play a stolen copy of this game probably should have had a barf
bag ready.
If you're playing a copy that isn't legit, your POV essentially gets drunk.
Great for Bachelorette Party Simulator 2000 — not so great when you're in the heat of battle.
Your focus cuts in and out, and your weapon's rounds lose their accuracy.
If this wasn't enough to deter you, the game's logo would appear all over the screen.
If that truly wasn't enough, intrepid game thief, your character just up and turns into a bird.
Try holding a VSS Vintorez with tiny, feathered wings.
A free-to-play multiplayer version was released just a couple years later, just to taunt disgruntled
pirates even further.
Should have waited, bird brain.
That wasn't even the only pirated game that ruined your day with birds, either.
If you're playing a bootlegged version of Crysis: Warhead, all of your guns will replace
your bullets with live chickens.
Eventually, the hundreds of cluckers can cause the game to crash.
And even if it doesn't, there's no way to fight a war with farm animals, right?
Manual insertion
Back in the early days of home gaming, developers had limited options when it came to copy protection.
Not only did they need to get creative and publish elaborate rap videos…
"Say ya see a game you like and you really wanna try it.
Don't copy that floppy, just go to the store and buy it!"
….but they also needed to use what they had: oldschool paper instruction manuals.
The developers of Prince of Persia included a fun way of dealing with pirates.
In the second level of the game, just when you think you're in the clear, you come to
a large room filled with potions, each with a letter above it.
It's a real Last Crusade moment.
"You must choose.
But choose wisely."
The trick is that the potions correspond to a code printed in the game's manual.
Choose the wrong potion and you're dead.
If you have the manual, you're free and clear, and get to live on to finish the game.
And you couldn't easily just look up video game codes on the Internet in the '80s, because
the dark ages were a terrible time for nerds.
"Get those nerds!"
"Nerds!"
"Neeeerds!"
Memory loss
A retro classic in every sense, Earthbound for the Super Nintendo included an epic way
for game developers to troll pirates.
An unofficial copy of the game could be played, but it became aggressively difficult, making
it nearly impossible to finish.
Of course, some people somehow sludged through the epic challenge, so developers HAL Laboratories
had one more surprise in store.
It all comes to a head with the final boss, Giygas.
If you win the first round with the epic boss… your game crashes in the most colossal way
possible.
The whole thing freezes, and when you reload the game, all of your thirty-plus hours of
save data is gone.
It's all gone.
Forever.
"Like tears… in rain."
What a shame
The developers for Skullgirls had an interesting way of dealing with pirates: they embarrassed
them online.
Once the player finally beat the game, they wouldn't get the usual ending.
Instead, they'd be greeted with a text box saying, "What is the square root of a fish?
Now I'm sad."
That's it.
No end credits, nothing you might normally find at the ending of a game.
Just a bunch of nonsense.
Pirates were annoyed and took to the Internet to find out, essentially outing themselves
as dirty thieves.
It wasn't just about punishing pirates though.
Skullgirls enjoyed some viral publicity as a result of their unusual end-game, which
helped boost sales and ensure a string of re-releases.
Oh, the irony
One of many interesting business simulator games — if you're hardcore into the thrills
of resource allocation and profit margins — Game Dev Tycoon follows the development
of a fictional game from start to finish, with the hopes of building a Nintendo-like
empire.
And so, there really was only one way the developers of Game Dev Tycoon could troll
pirates: they put the pirates in their shoes.
If you're playing a pirated copy of Game Dev Tycoon, you might notice your profits taking
a steep dive when your otherwise-popular products should be making money.
Eventually, one of your staff members will fill you in, saying,
"Boss, it seems that while many players play our new game, they steal it by downloading
a cracked version rather than buying it legally.
If players don't but the games they like, we will sooner or later go bankrupt."
Pirates went online to complain, and not only did they out themselves, but they hilariously
complained about pirates stealing their virtual games while they were playing a pirated copy
of a real game about trying to make money while creating virtual games.
So, we're left with one question.
"Why are you the way that you are?"
The irony, it would seem, was lost on many.
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