After the success of last year’s in-flight safety video,
lots more ‘actors’ have been in touch with me, being, like,
"Chabuddy, please let us be part of the sequel." Pathetic, really. You know?
And sure, they've got their BAFTAs, they've got their Oscars,
but what they really want...
is a SISTA –
The Society of Inflight Safety Training Awards.
They all want to get their hands on the Golden Wings.
I quite fancy some wings, actually. Can someone go chicken shop?
And you are?
My name's Chabuddy G.
Chip butty what?
No, no. Chabuddy G. Chip butty's a sandwich.
Do we get a sandwich?
No, no. I'm directing. It's not s... There's no sandwich.
It's all right. I'll take it from here.
What?
Hello. We'll now demonstrate the safety features on this aircraft.
Please pay attention as these may differ from an aircraft that you've flown on before.
Classic.
That was really good. I think I would've done it like that, actually.
Yeah. All right.
The name's G.
Chabuddy G.
- Naomie, I was doing James Bond... - Yeah, yeah. I got that.
- Cos you're in it, aren't you. - I am in it, yeah.
Hand baggage should not block the aisles or exit.
It must be put under the seat in front of you,
or in an overhead locker.
Please place items in the locker carefully as they may fall out and injure someone.
I'm feeling shaken, and stirred.
And you are...
Jun…Junay…Junana Lumaley?
- Joanna. Joanna Lumley. - Right, OK.
This is a very important scene, because you've got to handle some props.
Have you done prop work before?
- Yeah. - You have? OK!
Action!
All exits are clearly marked,
and are being pointed out to you now by our gorgeous cabin crew.
You've done prop work before. I can see you have.
I'm very impressed with you. Keep impressing me.
Opening the doors automatically inflates the evacuation slides.
High-heeled shoes must be taken off as they may tear the slide.
Don't worry, you'll all still look...
absolutely fabulous without them – Is that strictly necessary?
Yeah, I mean, otherwise people won't know who you are.
I'm actually a model myself.
Ah, really? What kind of modelling?
Plus-size male modelling actually. What have you done?
- Like Vogue and stuff... - Wogue?
- Vogue. - Wogue?
Vogue. Wogue.
-Yeah. - Right.
Please now fasten your seatbelt.
It must be worn whenever the signs are on.
And it's fastened and adjusted like this.
And opened like this.
Brilliant!
- That's it. - OK?
Let's get a selfie. Come on.
- Right now...? - Come on. Let's get a selfie.
I mean, normally, I'd be on the other side.
No, this is my best side, so we should probably just stick with that.
But let's see your smouldering face. Let's see your smizing.
- Be intimidating. - Are you all right?
- Yeah. - OK.
A bit up, like here. Yeah.
Just let the bro do it.
Just maybe more towards the light, like you have to... There you go.
Lighting.
Yeah, I'll give you some tips. You're not that good.
Mine is better, look.
If the cabin air supply fails, oxygen will be provided.
Masks, like this, will appear automatically.
Stay in your seats and pull the mask towards you.
Place a mask over your mouth and nose, like this,
and breathe normally.
I do sound like Tom Hardy in this.
You're bleeding Laurel and Hardy, you are.
What I need from you is a little bit of oomph.
- More oomph. - More oomph. Let's go.
Your lifejacket is underneath or beside your seat.
If required, please remove the jacket from its container,
and pull it over your head.
Don't stop now. Come on. Come on!
And please do not inflate your lifejacket,
until you've left the aircraft!
Yeah... Too much.
You spoilt it.
Before take-off, please ensure your seat is in the upright position with armrests down,
and your table is folded away.
If seated by a window,
please ensure the blind is open, or it is set to clear.
See? There we go. That's more your level.
Well done.
Guys, director is parched. Where is my coffee?
Oh! There we go. Thank you, darling.
Cappuccino, yeah? Four sugars?
Actually, I've come to read for the audition.
The tea lady wants to audition?
I've got three BAFTAs, actually.
Smoking is not permitted anywhere whilst onboard,
and this includes the washrooms, which are fitted with smoke detectors.
Using e-cigarettes is not allowed either.
That OK?
Huh? Oh...
To be honest, I haven't listened to a word you've said.
This coffee is disgusting.
Do you know what? You're a really rude little man.
With a horrible ponytail, and that's my coffee.
It's a nice ponytail.
In the unlikely event of an emergency landing,
you'll be told to adopt this protective brace position.
If facing rearwards in Club World, you must adopt this position.
If you have any questions, please ask your cabin crew.
I was just wondering, Naomie,
has there ever been an Asian Bond?
And now, the reason this is so close to our hearts.
Naomie, over to you.
You'll also find the Flying Start donation envelope in your seat area.
And it would be wonderful if you've got any spare change in any currency
if you could find it, take it out, and put it in the envelope.
On behalf of British Airways, Comic Relief, and Flying Start...
Thank you for your attention and your kind donations.
Every penny of which will help children all over the world living really tough lives.
If you have any questions, or you can't find your safety card...
Or if you've mislaid your magical Flying Start envelope...
Please ask one of your cabin crew members.
And have a good flight.
Cheers.
Oh, my gosh...
What's that? What's in a martini, pure wodka?