They opened a CrossFit
right across the street from my house.
Directly across the street from my house in Queens.
So now, every afternoon,
I get high, and I watch people flip tires.
It's fun. It's fun.
I feel like a shitty construction foreman.
Like, "Keep building!
I'm gonna nap again."
It has so much "tank top confidence" for one place,
it fucks up the energy of the neighborhood.
That's what it is. "Tank top confidence"...
Ladies, I don't know if you know,
men's confidence, like our body issues...
Like, "tank top confidence" is you are doing well.
I'm down at "T-shirt in a pool" level.
That's where...
So, like, "Take off the shirt."
I'm like, "I can't. I'm sunburned!"
Then you get to "tank top confidence."
Beyond that, it goes to like "jewelry confidence."
Like, if you're a man who can wear a lot of jewelry,
that's a shit-ton of confidence.
And then above that is "jewelry in a tank top" confidence.
At that point, I think you're exclusively fucking
in front of mirrors.
Like that's what I...
Like, you only fuck in front of a mirror.
I do not. I cover up all my mirrors.
When I fuck, I sit Shiva. That's what it's like.
A couple people caught the Jewish funeral reference.
Yeah, I don't know. Like, there are levels.
Like, the highest level of male confidence is,
when you reach the final stage,
you just grow a man bun and become an asshole.
That's what happens.
Sorry.
I felt half the crowd checked out on that.
I knew that was gonna happen. I knew that was gonna happen.
I will not be surprised
if there are four shitty samurais waiting for me after the show.
"Better rubber band up halfway through your little skit."
I'll give the man bun this: at least you see it coming.
That's nice.
A guy turns the corner in a man bun.
You're like, "OK...
I don't like you."
It's better than the ponytail. That's a sneaky-ass haircut.
Have you ever had a long involved conversation
with a man and then realized he had a ponytail?
It's a fucking game changer.
First half of the conversation, I'm just gripped on every word.
Like, "This guy has really got it together.
His hair is all slicked back,
like a successful basketball coach."
Then he turns his head,
and I'm like, "Oh, fuck you! A ponytail?"
He'd better be a taekwondo instructor.
I don't know. That's so much confidence.
I think that's where catcalling came from.
It was that level of confidence.
If you don't know what catcalling is,
women in the streets are being verbally,
sexually harassed by men.
As a man, I do find it disgusting.
And, as a man, I am blown away...
by the confidence...
those men possess...
in their penises,
that their initial reaction to a beautiful woman
is just to shout offer dick.
That's crazy.
They see a hot girl. "I'm gonna fuck you!"
That's nuts! That's nuts!
I always react to beautiful women
like I just missed the subway.
I'm like, "Oh...
Goddamn it.
Fuck!"
Then someone walks a fat bulldog by me.
I'm like, "Look at that ass. I'm gonna grab that ass.
You better shake that thick shit.
Mmm. You are all English."
Yeah, I don't know. I'm fucked.
I'm fucked. I'm a pothead and I'm single.
It's a terrible combination.
Drunk guys are good at being single
because they're confident.
They're numb.
They make eye contact with a woman at a bar,
they're like, "She wants it."
I'm high all the time.
If I make eye contact with a woman,
I'm like, "She heard all my thoughts!