- Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
"The fastest way to get over somebody is
to get under somebody else."
That's what a therapist said?
I demand their license.
- I thought that's what you said.
- And it works.
(Alicia chuckles)
50% of the time, it works every time.
Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
So, "The fastest way to get over somebody is
to get under somebody else."
In other words, the story of our relationship.
- What? - What?
(Jonathan laughs)
- So, who was getting over whom?
- We were both getting over people.
- Oh.
- And as I recall, I got under first.
(Alicia laughs)
- All done.
(Jonathan laughs)
- Okay. - So done.
- Okay, but there's the adage,
this isn't just therapists who say,
that just goes around. - Just life.
Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm pretty sure there's a country song
that you're a fan of
that tells this exact message. - What?
- That if someone's broken your heart,
you just need to quickly enter into a physical relationship
with somebody else,
and that'll help you get over that other person.
What do you think about that?
- That sounds much more clinical.
- Well, yeah, I was laying out what it means.
I'm a clinician.
You're gonna get clinical thoughts from a clinician.
It's like talking to a veterinarian and you're like,
"That sounds like something a vet would say."
(Jonathan laughs) - Tangent
- Squirrel.
What do you think? Is that good advice?
- No, no.
I think it's terrible advice.
- Okay. (laughs) - I mean,
in the short term, sure.
You know, get those dopamine hits.
It's all good. (Jonathan laughs)
You're gonna feel great for a few minutes,
but then you're gonna feel terrible.
- Why?
- Because whatever challenges, heartache,
whatever, you know, is coming up
from that last relationship.
- Yeah.
- It's not gonna just go away
because you try and cover it up with another relationship.
- Yeah.
The same patterns are still gonna be there.
- Yeah, whether it's behavior patterns, coping mechanisms,
whatever it is.
And it's so easy to attach our worth to our relationship.
It's so easy to attach our worth to belonging.
- Yeah. - Or having meaning
in a relationship.
But then what happens is once you're no longer
in a relationship, where's your meaning?
Where's your worth?
Where's your belonging? - Yeah.
- And I think that's what so often happens
with the need to be in a romantic relationship.
And, you know,
not to get all child psychology on you, but it stems
from not having those healthy attachment needs met,
usually in childhood.
- Yeah. - Right?
- Yeah, I mean,
and I think that's oftentimes where it starts from.
And so we go from person to person
because we're looking to have our worth validated
by a romantic partner.
And the whole concept of getting over somebody
by getting under somebody else is
that I was in a romantic relationship
and now I'm going for something more casual.
That it's kind of meaningless,
but it just helps me to get over the other person.
Here's my issue with that.
It's a counterfeit, number one.
I remember there was a girl in college
that I was crazy about.
Wanted to marry her, broke my heart.
Didn't work out, and-
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you. (both chuckling)
I mean, everything worked out in the end,
but it didn't work out between her and I.
And it was several months
that I was kind of in the doldrums about that.
- Yeah. - Until I met somebody else
with whom I felt chemistry.
Like, I felt a connection.
And we didn't enter into a physical relationship,
but just the experience
of, "Oh, I can feel this again," right?
'Cause, you know, you kinda get in this head space
of, "I will never love again."
You get into this head space of like, "That was it.
That was my one shot.
Like, I can never feel something that good again.
Like, that was it, and I blew it."
And just being able to feel like, "Oh, no.
This can be with somebody else," was incredibly liberating
for me.
But the counterfeit of that is I'm going
to just kind of physically hook up with somebody,
and it's not real.
It's empty calories.
Not only that, but if they're not realizing
that it's casual,
if they're not realizing that it's just empty calories,
if they're putting their hopes in you,
then you've gone from being the person
who gets hurt by somebody
to being the person that hurts somebody else, right,
by leading them on, or they get attached to you
when you were never planning on getting attached to them.
And that's not gonna make you feel any better.
You know, you've gone from being the victim of the story
to the villain of the story.
No es bueno.
In my opinion, the best way
to get over somebody is to be okay
to be on your own.
- Mm-hmm.
- The best way to get over somebody is, okay,
you've gotta ask yourself, "What other relationships,
non-romantic relationships, can I cultivate
that are rewarding?"
- Mm-hmm. - Right?
- 'Cause we all need connection.
We all need belonging.
It doesn't have to happen in a dating
or romantic relationship.
- In fact, immediately on the heels of being with somebody,
I would say it's best that you don't.
Because if you fall into what, you know,
the rebound relationship,
that whole idea is there's a vacancy, there's a void,
and it hurts.
There was somebody there before,
and the instinct is just to fill it
so it's not there anymore.
But it's so easy to be in love with the idea of love
and to not even actually see the real person,
but to just fall in love with this idea
of what this person represents.
And then you just set yourself up
to have your heart broken again, or to break their heart
and then the void is there again.
And the void will be there over and over
and over again until you are okay to be on your own.
Until you can fill your life with things that satisfy you.
Until you can fill your life with, "Well,
these are my talents, these are my gifts.
Here's how I'm gonna use them
for my own satisfaction or to help other people.
Here are the hobbies.
Here are the skills.
Here are the pursuits, educational or career,
that I'm gonna go after."
These are the things to fill your life with
and to get into a place where you're actually okay
to be on your own,
and that's gonna take a lot of lonely nights.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're used to sleeping next to somebody.
You're used to eating dinner with somebody.
You're used to being held by somebody,
and now you don't have that.
And the only way through it is through it.
Is to actually feel it.
And to do that so you can do the work
to get to a place of, "I actually like being on my own.
I actually like who I am.
I like my life.
I don't need someone to complete me."
And then, I can choose to invite somebody in.
What?
- Oh, I just think of the "Jerry McGuire" line.
- "You complete me," yeah.
- Yeah, and you say, you know, "You compliment me,"
is not as sexy as-
- Or, "You supplement me."
- Or, "You supplement me," is not as sexy of a line,
you know, and is not as romantic, but it's a lot healthier.
- Yeah, it's a lot more true to what the process looks like.
Breakups are hard.
Losing someone you cared about is hard.
A quick fix, a dopamine rush of a physical relationship,
it may seem like that's just the ticket.
I've yet to see that be the case
where it gets somebody where they need to be.
Entering quickly into a new relationship
after a breakup usually indicates
that you're not okay to be alone,
and that's a place where you can get manipulated
and taken advantage of.
- Right. - I like to say
that if you're afraid of drowning in a sea of loneliness,
then you'll grab a hold of whatever slimy piece
of driftwood that comes floating by.
- Right. - You've got to be able
to swim on your own, and it is hard.
And we would rather just take the comfort sex.
(Alicia laughs)
We would!
But there's a lot of risks that come with that.
And not just, you know, you could get pregnant
or you could get an STD
and all those scare stories from sex ed and in school.
I'm talking psycho-emotional risks.
I'm talking about, like, if I have a broken ankle
and it's just been reset,
and I haven't gone through physical therapy,
it's not ready for it and I start running on it.
That type of risk.
I've just had my heart broken, so what am I gonna do?
Instead of allowing myself to take the time
to heal emotionally and allowing myself to mourn,
I'm just gonna jump right into the next relationship;
that is setting myself up for another heartbreak
and another heartbreak and another heartbreak
until I learn the lesson of,
"I gotta be okay to be on my own."
- So great.
(Jonathan laughs)
- So if you find yourself in this situation
where, you know,
that's what you're wanting to do is just rush
into another physical relationship so you're not sad,
so you're not lonely, so you're not alone,
putting that time and that effort into other relationships
like you talked about.
Friendship relationships, family relationships,
but even into hobbies or things you wanted to try,
or, you know, I found it very therapeutic
to go and do volunteer work,
right? - Yeah.
- Because what your brain is looking for is connection,
right? - Right.
- And then dopamine, right?
The feel-good hormone.
You're looking for that in your life,
and recognize that there's other ways to get that.
- And when you're feeling lonely,
that's probably when you're most compassionate
towards other lonely people.
- Yeah. - So it's a great time
to be there for them.
- Absolutely.
And if you've enjoyed this video,
check out our video, "A Baby Fixes Everything."
- That's great advice.
- 'Cause it does, doesn't it?
- If your relationship is falling apart, just get pregnant.
- That's why we have so many babies.
- Wow. (Alicia laughs)
That was dark. (laughs)
And it worked, yay!
How do you deal with breakups?
What's your recipe?
What's your formula?
What helps get you through it?
Let us know in the comments below.
What would you like us to talk about?
What is some terrible advice
that you've gotten from a therapist
that you'd like us to react to?
Let us know in the comments below.
Until next time, keep shining 'cause we need your light.
(upbeat music)
- [Alicia] Mexican food is what gets Jonna through breakups.
- [Jonathan] It's true.
And Strawberry Nesquik and Jackie Chan movies.
That's the formula.
Oh, look.
It's that video you were talking about.
Yay! - [Alicia] Check it out.