- My extended family to this day,
even five and a half years being on T,
they still misgender me, (chuckles)
and they still call me by my deadname.
(light atmospheric music)
- [Narrator] We ask trans men who have been on T
for different lengths of time the same questions
to see how time has shaped their feelings
about the experience.
- My name is Luckie, I am 41,
and I've been on T for approximately 11 years.
- My name is Marcus.
I'm 27 years old,
and I've been on T for five and a half years now.
- My name is Marcel.
I am 27 years old
and I've been on T for two and a half years.
- My name is Gabriel.
I'm 18 years old and I've been on T for five months.
- Hi, my name is Noah.
I'm 17 years old and I start T in two days.
- I was probably like eight years old.
I always just would choose to be the guy
in any like situation, like playing with friends,
And when I was younger, I wanna be the dad, like.
- I was very young, actually.
I hated being called beautiful.
I hated being referred to as "she" or "ma'am"
and I felt more at peace
when someone called me "handsome" or "he."
- I was probably six years old.
That's crazy.
- I was eight
when I found out that I wasn't biologically born male.
But there was no language 20 years ago.
There was no language damn near 10 years ago.
- The first moment I took my T shot, it felt like,
Wow, like I'm on the road to being who I feel like inside.
I did have a little bit, a point
where I had too much testosterone in my system
and I was very much a ball of rage.
And then I kind of went to therapy and, you know,
we calmed that down a little bit.
- I can't cry. (chuckles)
Like, I'll feel sad.
Like, don't get that wrong, but the tears,
I don't know if you're gonna get 'em that day.
- Like I'm kind of lot more irritable.
I kind of feel like I have a little more shorter of a fuse.
But after being on T for a couple months, five months,
it's like, I have a motivation to get up.
- My relationship with my body and gender dysphoria
is kind like an ongoing war.
Kind of like prison.
- I was just really disconnected with myself.
It was very much to a point
where I could look at myself in the mirror.
I would shower in the dark, shower at night.
Like it was pretty bad.
- Coming into my truth, coming into my body.
I was a 44 DD.
I gained a lot of weight on purpose.
That way the rest of me matched my top.
It was hard to be in that body.
It was hard to know
that I was in there, but no one could see me.
- Personally, it was almost comparable
of like finding like a room stacked with gold
to like, up to the ceiling.
It was just like, wow, like this is the missing piece.
Like, this is what has had me been feeling off
this entire time.
And I was ecstatic,
initially. (laughs)
- When I was with my ex,
I was socially appearing as a woman.
My mom was like
"you're not gonna cut your hair while you're in this house."
And as soon as I got kicked out I was like
"F it, I'm gonna cut my hair."
And I remember cutting my hair,
dressing masculine that day, binding my chest,
and I just broke down crying in the bathroom.
And then my ex fiancee came in there
and was like, are you okay?
And I was like, I think, you know,
I don't want you to hate me, but I think I'm a man.
- When I first came out to my parents,
it was actually on accident,
because my freshman year we had to write letters
to our senior selves.
I, you know, was addressing myself using he, him pronouns.
And my dad had to write a letter.
And he came across my own letter
and he seemed very upset, very confused.
That hurt a lot because that's my own dad, you know.
- My mental health Pre-T,
I made multiple suicide attempts.
I couldn't really tell you a number.
That's how bad it was.
- Pret. I was definitely suicidal.
I hated my life.
I hated my body.
I hated that I was not on hormones
or doing what I wanted to
because I wanted to please my family
- But my mental health of before I went on T,
what it looked like was kind of this foggy image.
I was stagnant,
like stuck.
- My friends have always been there for me
but I still felt so alone.
Cuz I didn't have the support from my family.
I was asking my dad
if I could start T, he just disapproved.
He just basically told me a lot of awful things.
I broke down.
I had a whole panic attack
and I ended up going to the psych ward.
It was around March of this year, 2021.
And when I got out, my parents had been like
actually trying to use my right name and like right pronoun.
- I was told that I was gonna go to hell
by one of my tias on my mom's side.
I remember I had my suicide attempt
and she told my mom basically
that this was me being punished for being Trans.
- My extended family to this day,
even five and a half years being on T,
they still misgender me. (chuckles)
And they still called me by my deadname.
My sisters were actually the ones that vocalized the most
that they were never gonna be onboard.
And they're actually my number one fans.
Like took me to my surgeries.
Always check in on me.
- My support system is a lot bigger
and now it includes my parent,
well it includes my mom.
It includes my kids.
It includes my wife.
It includes my grandkids.
- I have not experienced any transphobia
in the medical field yet.
And I really hope I don't.
And like the nurses, doctors
have actually been really supportive.
They have also been really helpful to my parents
in educating them.
- Absolutely experienced transphobia in the medical field.
You know, all of the medical providers that I came across
at that particular time,
didn't wanna deal with trans people.
They didn't know how to deal with trans people.
That that put me in a space where I'm like,
well, if you don't care about me, then why should I?
- I fear the most as being a trans man is
being discriminated against
just being beat up.
- I fear for my life.
- My greatest fear as a trans man is being killed.
- My greatest fear being a trans man
is death.
- I'm re-defining being a man and manhood
by saying fuck gender roles.
Fuck all these norms.
I get to be whoever the fuck I want to be.
- It's okay to be feminine sometimes.
And I don't ever like
look down upon my feminine side at all.
- Yeah. Sometimes I paint my nails.
I'm a drag king as well.
So like I want to break down those walls as much as I can.
- I get to show up however I choose
as a man.
And it doesn't have to look like masculinity
looks like for everyone else.
My masculinity looks like eating gummy bears
in the middle of my living room
coloring in the coloring book.
As opposed to being given this narrative
that we have to be stoic,
and we have to be independent and strong,
and we can't show emotion.
- Noah, I'm so proud of you
for staying alive.
I love you. I love myself a lot.
Me telling myself that I love myself
and that I'm so proud of myself,
definitely hit home.
- You're becoming this fantastic young man.
And if you keep being you,
and just keep making other people laugh and love life,
you're gonna be good.
- I thought that I was going to
not make it to even 21.
And here I am, 27 years old, gonna be 28
and know that I am loved and that I am cared for.
And I have a great support system.
- In this very moment,
the message I would like to send to myself
is keep going.
- I would say,
be gentle with yourself.
I'm proud of you.
Keep going.