♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell rings)
- [Narrator] Zack Morris is overjoyed
about his latest detention sentence.
- You know, I'm the only kid on America's Most Wanted?
- [Narrator] No, but I'm not surprised.
Kelly wants to know
who has dates for her birthday party, Saturday.
Zack lays claim to his girlfriend's flesh,
then gloats about Kelly to Slater.
Belding's niece, Penny, is in town
and he wants someone to take her out on Friday.
- What's she look like?
- [Narrator] Zack forgot Kelly exists.
Belding notes, this is Zack's ninth detention.
Zack swears it's eight.
- Number eight was when you sold the school
to the Japanese.
- [Narrator] I remain not surprised.
One more detention, and Zack will be suspended.
- Not until the cows give Pepsi, sir.
- [Narrator] He's only so smug, because he's so dumb.
Zack, who should be on his best behavior,
shows up late to class chewing gum.
Then flagrantly passes notes, and gets caught, twice.
Detention.
Guess cows are giving Pepsi sooner than you thought, Zack.
Belding offers to make detention disappear
if Zack will take out Penny.
- That's blackmail.
- [Narrator] Yeah, who do you think he learned it from?
Zack laments, wasting his Friday on a date
with a Belding.
Giving no regard to Kelly, who he now has plans to cheat on.
Kelly checks on Zack, as he looks shittier than usual.
Zack says he'll be fine by her party Saturday.
Kelly reports The Max was booked,
the parties moved to Friday.
Guess there's only one thing Zack can do.
Fake every injury at the same time.
He suffered a nasty skateboard accident.
His doctor said
- No dating.
- [Narrator] I'd like to see his medical license.
Belding reminds Zack
he used skateboard accident for midterms.
He reinstates Zack's suspension, miraculously healing him.
Belding tells Zack to meet Penny at the mall,
and to carry a red rose so she'll recognize him.
The only way she'll recognize him.
This gives Zack a great idea.
Zack enlists screech to free him from
his latest self-made prison.
- I'm gonna do you a favor.
- Last time you did me a favor I ended up naked on a bus.
- [Narrator] Someone, anyone investigate this man.
Zack tells Screech he needs to pretend to be Zack
and go out with Penny.
He breaks Screech's self-esteem by making him look
in the mirror to acknowledge his dating desperation.
Then says, "Stop touching."
But Zack's blabbering has once again allowed
his plans to be overheard where people wipe their ass.
By Slater, who he just provoked.
Zack's giving Screech a crash course
in being a sociopathic douche, despite the fact
that all Penny knows about Zack is a rose.
His delusional narcissism deems all this necessary.
Screech, trying to keep up with Zack's unholy curriculum
falls down the stairs.
Screech tells Kelly he can't make it to her party,
since he has a hot date at the movies.
Slater says he can come to the party after the movie,
because Screech shouldn't miss out on life
to do Zack's bidding.
Zack taunts Slater for not having a date
then says nothing could ruin this night.
About that.
Screech arrives with Penny, looking like
a bargain bin dick tip.
Penny's sweet, and likes screech, regardless
of his piss-poor personality.
Zack yanks him away from the date he set up.
He yells at Screech for showing face
at their friend's party, then threatens him with violence
if he refuses to leave.
But Screech, deep in character, disregards
and disrespects his buddy.
- He's a dweeb.
- [Narrator] Full method Morris.
Slater, antagonized once again, introduces Penny to Kelly,
in hopes of shining a light on the sewer scum Zack is.
Penny tells Kelly she's having a great date
with Zack Morris.
And they're leaving soon to go get hot and heavy.
Kelly is pissed the fuck off
at this bitch showing up to her birthday
talkin' 'bout getting busy with her man.
Penny's afraid she's about to get her ass kicked.
They leave.
Kelly demands answers.
- Would you believe we're on totally hidden videos?
- [Narrator] No, because that's not a real show.
Zack, forced to tell the truth, admits
he put Screech up to the fraud.
Kelly should be furious he accepted a date
with another girl, but appreciates the trouble
that went into his ass saving con?
No!
Kelly, no!
He's got you brainwashed sweet Kelly.
And we never see Penny Belding ever again.
After learning she was a pawn in a cruel game
and dating an imposter,
she probably fucking killed herself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris was lucky enough to have a date
with Kelly for her birthday
that he forgot about
at the mention of another woman,
when warned he was on the cusp of suspension,
got busted for the same offense twice in two minutes.
Instead of taking his punishment took a date
to bail himself out, and would have been fine
secretly cheating until it was physically impossible.
So he cloned himself after revealing his scheme
to the person he's been picking on,
resulting in his double cheating on his girlfriend
at her birthday party.
And learned nothing.
Because Kelly is an angel with infinite compassion
he does not deserve.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell rings)