-I was...
not doing comedy at the time, Ms. Jones --
Detective Jones. -Did your caveman have a name?
-Bamook-ook.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Snorts ]
[ Laughter ]
-That sounds so racist. -Yeah, I know.
♪♪
Keegan and I are about to play a game of deception called
True Confessions.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-[ Laughs ]
-But first, we're gonna need another player,
and we found a great one.
From "Saturday Night Live," Emmy-nominated
Leslie Jones!
♪♪
Comin' in hot!
Comin' in hot on that one.
Comin' in hot. -Zero to 60 in two seconds!
Whoo! -Thank you for joining us,
Leslie. Now, here's how the game works.
In front of each of us are two envelopes
containing confessions.
One of the envelopes is something that actually
happened to us in real life.
The other envelope is a lie. -Mm.
-Once you read your confession, the two other players
have 60 seconds to interrogate you,
and then they each have to guess whether you have been lying
or telling the truth. -Hmm.
-I don't know if you'll be -- I think that you'll be
bad at lying 'cause I think you're
a very honest person, right? -Yes, I am.
-Yeah. -But I lie a lot, too.
[ Laughter ]
-Not sure if I believe that.
-I'm not sure if that's a lie --
-I know, exactly. We're already in the game.
Already the game is tricky.
Keegan, you will go first.
Leslie, which envelope should Keegan open?
-I want him to open envelope two.
-Aha. Number two.
Number two, yeah. -Oh, here we are.
-What is the truth or a lie? -Let's see.
Okay, oh. Mm-hmm.
-Okay, this could all be part of the ruse.
-[ Clears throat ]
-Uh-huh.
[ Laughter ]
-What year was this? -I was just gonna say that.
-That's not real coffee.
-Phew! That is -- What is that?
-I don't know what that is. It's colored water.
It's colored water. It's all a prop.
It's all a prop. Don't drink,
and that's not a real cigarette.
What year was this? -I'm sorry, Jimmy, what? What?
-Alright, this is Drano. This is liquid Drano.
I apo-- Yeah, don't drink. Don't use the props.
-Are you okay? -I'm okay, I'm alright.
I'm back. -Start the clock.
Let's reiterate. Let's restart the clock
at 60 if we could.
What year was this?
-19-- -Mm.
-Mm. -What do you mean 19--
Like, it's gonna be what, 1800s?
I knew it was 19-something.
-1993?
-Hmm. -Okay.
-'93. Are you in high school at this point?
[ Laughter ]
-No. -Yeah.
-Were you at Mercy--
-University of Detroit Mercy.
[ Laughter ]
-Were you in Detroit?
-Yes. Yes, I was. Yes, I was in Detroit.
I was in Detroit. -Was you doing comedy
at the time?
-I was...
not doing comedy at the time, Ms. Jones --
Detective Jones. -Did your caveman have a name?
-Bamook-ook.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Snorts ]
[ Laughter ]
-That sounds so racist. -Yeah, I know.
That is -- What did you -- Did you have to sing --
[ Buzzer ]
-Aw!
I ain't get to ask no questions.
I would've guessed it.
-You would've guessed it right out?
-I think he's telling the truth.
-Struggling actor. -Exactly.
-You take any gig you can.
I think you were telling the truth, yes.
-Well...
the both of you... [ Chuckles ]
...are absolutely correct.
-Yeah!
-You did do it? -I did.
-You did? -I did.
-We got to take a gig.
-I did. -Leslie, you're right.
-She got it.
-She didn't even have to ask a question.
-I know. -And I had to say racist stuff
and everything and she still guessed it.
-I know. I know what's up.
-You'll have to do that. Oh, I love that you did that.
Alright. -I wish this was a joint.
-It's my turn -- It's not. It's all props.
-This would be so much funner with a joint.
-Alright, you can't because --
-But you'd have to put 60 minutes on the clock.
[ Laughter ]
-Which envelope should I open?
-Oh. -One or two?
-Jimmy, you will open envelope number one.
-Number one. -Mm-hmm.
-Mm.
[ Snorts ]
[ Laughter ]
-What year was this? -Mm-hmm.
-2011.
-Oh, I know that's a lie 'cause Madonna like 75.
She ain't getting --
[ Laughter ]
-That's not true. -That's a lie.
Madonna not gonna get on no ski.
She not about to get no ski jet at 75.
-Jet ski.
Jet ski. -Jet ski.
-Ski jet, jet ski. -Hey, she ain't getting on
either way. -She 75.
-Alright. -Let me ask --
There's no insurance for that.
-Yeah, exactly. -Let me ask you a question.
What body of water... -Exactly.
-...were you on this jet ski with Madonna?
-We were in the Hamptons. It was the ocean.
-Okay, that's another lie because Madonna
don't go to the Hamptons.
-She does. -I know this for sure.
-Mm-hmm. -Because she's a material girl.
[ Cheers and applause ] -What does that mean?
-They don't go to the Hamptons. -They don't go to the Hamptons.
-Okay. -Now, listen, I'm the good cop.
You don't want any more of this. -Seven seconds.
-Seven seconds?
Did you hurt yourself during the trip?
-No, we didn't talk. The whole --
[ Buzzer ]
-The whole -- -Oh, they didn't talk.
-They didn't talk. They didn't talk?
-That might be the truth then,
'cause Madonna don't like white people.
-No, she does not like white people.
I mean, she won't even -- she won't even talk to
half of me.
[ Laughter ] So, you know...
I'm trying to...
[ Cheers and applause ]
What do you think?
-I think he -- I think he lying.
-I think it's a lie, too. I'm gonna go with her gut.
I'm gonna say it's a lie.
-Of course it's a lie.
I never would've rode on a jet ski, but I...
♪♪
Madonna -- I don't think Madonna would ever jet ski.
-No, no. -I said she's 75!
-No, not because that.
I just think she's too cool to jet ski.
She's like, "I don't do that. You do it."
-Nope. -Yeah, alright.
I thought it was gonna be longer.
I'd get into the whole fake story
and then you bust me right off the top.
-That's because I know liars.
-Okay, alright, here we go.
-Especially if you a male.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Not that I'd ever lie about jet skiing with Madonna.
Okay, here we go. Leslie, it's your turn.
I'll choose the envelope. I say number one!
-Yeah! Okay, let's see what's in number one.
Okay. Oh, okay.
During the 2016 Olympics,
I got lost in Rio and got a ride home from a man
on a horse.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, let me ask you a question.
-Yes, baby.
-Did you get a ride home
all the way to New York City?
And did the horse die halfway through
and the man had to drive up
and piggyback you the rest of the way?
-There's no way this is a real question.
-That's a dumbass question.
-Alright, no, no, look. Was the man a cop?
Was he a police -- Was he a police officer?
-Nope.
-It was a random guy -- Where was the Olympics?
-First of all, we in Rio, dude, okay?
-So, you're in Brazil. There's a dude on a horse.
-They're on mopeds, horses, all kinds of stuff there.
-And why would you even think in your life
to get on a horse on the way home?
You couldn't get a ride somewhere?
-If you would've seen this dude...
-Was it Fabio or something?
-He was Fabio as sh...
-Was he -- Was he an athlete at the games?
-No, but he was an athlete at the games.
-Oh! -[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Laughs ]
-That came out -- That came out too confidently.
-Yep, I agree. -That came out too confidently.
-Too confidently. -That's true. This is true.
-That is true. -This is a true statement.
-This is absolutely a lie, fellas.
-Oh, my God!
What?!
-That's not...
What?!
-The best to play the game, Leslie Jones!
Keegan-Michael Key!
-I am here with Zach Galifianakis,
and we are about to play a game of deception
called True Confessions.
♪♪
Now, we're gonna need another player to fill out this table,
and we've got a good one.
He's the host of "Real Time with Bill Maher,"
which airs Fridays at 10:00 p.m. on HBO.
Please welcome Bill Maher!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Coming in hot. Coming in hot.
-Okay. -Thank you.
-Thank you very much. -Thank you for joining us.
Bill Maher! -Sure, sure.
Zach, Bill. Bill, Zach. Good to see you, buddy.
-Hey, congratulations on your -- on your [bleep] joke.
It was fantastic.
-In front of each of us are two envelopes -- or on-velopes --
containing confessions, or confesiones.
One of the envelopes is something
that actually happened to us in real life,
and the second envelope is a lie.
Once you read your confession, the two other players
have 60 seconds to interrogate you,
then they each have to guess whether you have been lying
or telling the truth.
You get one turn each, so let's get started.
Zach, you'll go first. -Okay.
-Bill, which envelope should Zach open?
-Two, obviously.
-Obviously two, yeah. -Number two.
-Oh, you nervous?
-I'm a little nervous, yeah. -Yeah.
-Have a cigarette. -Have a drag of --
-No, no, it's okay.
-Can I have a drag of this?
-[ Laughs ] That's a special effect...
-Oh, sorry. -...to make it look like...
-Bill thought it was something else and got very excited.
-Zach and I are -- We are very familiar
with this special effect.
-Well, welcome to California, yeah.
-It's even got the roach -- it's got the roach clip right on it.
-Fantastic.
-California!
-Cali--
-Very -- Very disappointing.
Very disappointing.
-Don't judge people. Alright, here we go.
-Really? Ready, ready?
-Yeah.
-In college, I once shared a Coke with Mary J. Blige
at a public-access television station.
[ Laughter ]
-What -- Now we can go?
-Yeah, go. -What year was this?
-It was -- I just finished...
[ Laughter ]
'91 -- around '91.
-What college did you go to?
-North Carolina State University,
home of the Fighting Wolfpack.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You're shaking. -Yeah.
-But where was Mary J. Blige in her career in 1991?
I don't recall her being on the scene then.
-I don't think she was known.
I think her aunt worked at the public-access station.
-[ Laughs ] -What'd you guys do together?
-We shared a Coke. I already told you.
[ Laughter ]
-I know, but why would you share a Coke --
-I was poor at the time. She had a Coke --
-No, no, I mean why would you be in the same room?
-I think she was visiting her aunt, and --
-And what were you doing? -Yeah.
-I was -- I had a -- a -- Hold on.
[ Laughter ]
I had -- I had a Coke.
[ Buzzer ] No, wait!
-No, we don't have time.
I don't know. -Really.
-Unless he's acting -- -I was teaching a waltzing class
at the public-access station.
-You were teaching a waltzing class?
-Yes.
-He's the worst liar since Ted Cruz.
Him or Donald Trump. I didn't know.
-I don't know him, but maybe he's doing this to fake us out
and he's purposely doing this. -Yes. Right.
-Right? 'Cause teaching a waltzing class...
-Oh. -...took a little bit,
but that was past the time limit,
so that could easily be a lie.
I don't know. I'm gonna say...not true.
Bill? -Yeah.
I'm gonna go with that. Not true.
-Zach?
-I'm gonna say it's true.
[ Laughter ]
-I know you're gonna say it, but is it true?
-It's true. -It is true.
You did teach a -- Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
You know how to waltz?
-What? -Do you know how to waltz?
-That's not the point of the story.
-No, no. I know. It's just, I had to know.
-It's about... -I know, I just...
-Look at the way he hooked us in on that.
And now he's starting to brag. He is a good liar.
-Alright, here we go.
What envelope should I open? One or two?
-One! -One!
-Zach?
-Number one seems to be popular. One.
-Two people yelled out, "One." Popular? I don't know.
I used to think pretzels were cigarettes.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Is this post college, Jimmy?
-[ Laughs ]
Uh, uh, uh...
No, I was probably around 10 years old.
-Okay. -Yeah, no. Yeah.
-Did you attempt to light up the pretzel?
Did you ever try to light the pretzel?
-Yeah. -He did.
-Yeah, my -- Yeah.
-It might explain something about this.
-Yeah, no, my -- Yeah, my parents smoked.
-Were they straight pretzels
or like the curly kind of pretzel?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Uh, they were pretzel sticks.
-Pretzel sticks. -Yeah, pretzel sticks.
-What size pretzel sticks? They come in different sizes.
-And when you say you thought they were cigarettes,
or you were just pretending,
like a kid does with candy cigarettes?
You really thought? -No, I was pretending.
Yeah, my parents smoked... -Pretending?
-...so I was pretending that I smoked the pretzels.
-So this is not even a story.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -This is nothing.
-This is nothing. [ Buzzer ]
What -- Yeah. What do you guys think?
Did I -- -I'd think that's true.
Why not? -I don't think it's true
because he didn't seem prepared for a lot of the answers.
[ Laughter ]
Whereas, when I told my story, I knew exactly...
what I was saying.
-You said you taught a waltzing class.
-It took me a minute to remember what I was doing.
Nobody lights pretzels up
and then has a talk show and talks about it.
[ Laughter ]
-Sadly, they do now.
It did happen. I lit up a pretzel.
And, yeah, I just thought it was...
I thought everything worked like that.
I thought you could just...
So, yeah. Anyway, sadly true. Yeah.
-I'm 0 for 2. [Bleep] me.
-No! Hey! Hey! [ Laughter ]
Sensitive ears we've got. -Oh, right.
-You can't say that. -Don't bring that filth --
don't bring that filth in here.
-He said it. -No, I spelled it.
-He spelled it. -Oh, he spelled it.
-You're allowed to spell it. You can't say it.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's take that again.
-You know the rules.
You can spell it, you can't say it.
Alright, so, I'm gonna say go for number two.
-Go for number two. -Go for number two, yeah.
-Alright. -Read the story.
-[ Clears throat ]
I once tried to ask a girl out,
and she wound up mistakenly thinking I was deaf,
so I went with it.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Was it on the phone?
-No. No.
-On the phone, yeah. Right.
That's a good question. Yeah.
-I was in high school.
-And why did she think that?
-Well, here's the thing --
not high school, maybe I was 12 --
I saw this movie on TV called "Where the Boys Are."
You remember this? -No.
-It was the original movie
about kids going on spring break.
-Oh, yeah. I do remember, yeah.
-And there was a scene where
George Hamilton sits down next to a girl on the beach.
Doesn't say a word, just draws a question mark in the sand.
And the girl tells him her name, and he wipes it out.
He draws another question mark, and she tells him
where she went to school.
He draws it again, she gives him more info.
He never says a word.
And I thought, "This is the coolest thing."
So, there was this girl, didn't know I existed.
I wanted to do this, but we're not at the beach.
There was no sand.
So I went up to her at the locker...
with a question mark... [ Buzzer ]
...and drew it on a piece of paper.
-Paper, yeah.
-And then she thought I was deaf.
-Yeah. Wow.
I mean, I know, 'cause it's almost too prepared.
-Yeah, it's really prepared. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-It's overly -- -It's overly prepared.
-It's too prepared.
-But I could see...
'Cause I think you're like a hopeless romantic.
I could see you doing this.
-I say it's true.
[ Laughter ]
-I say it's true.
-[Bleep] It's true.
[ Laughter ]
-Yes! Thank you for telling the truth.
Thank you for these true stories.
Our thanks to Zach Galifianakis and Bill Maher, everybody.