- ♪ Oh, your blackbird sound in the dead of night ♪
(man singing indistinctly)
Fuck, he sucks. (laughter)
You know, uh-- Speaking of...
- Dude, you can't do that to me 'cause I'm sick,
so it was either snot or coffee.
♪♪
- This is "Bonfire." - Yeah.
- And-- and we got the camera crew with us.
- Yay! - You're one day--
You and Christine, one day into October.
October no smoking? - That's right, we are.
Well, we're into our one day, yeah.
- Yeah, this is the first day of not smoking cigarettes.
- Not wigging out-- I thought I'd be wigging out more by now.
- Usually comes within a week. - The wig out?
- Yeah, when does your wig outs usually happen.
Mine happen about six days-- - Day one.
- Really? - Yeah, the wig out?
- Mine is where I-- mine is where I forget that I've quit,
and I go to smoke and I realize that I can't smoke.
That was like my first week.
There was a couple of times I went to go grab a cigarette,
and I was like, "Oh, fuck, I don't smoke anymore."
- Yeah, well, I mean, I hold this like a crutch all day long.
- The vape. - Yeah.
- You got the blu. - Yeah, just a little...
- Which even Stephen Dorff turned on.
- Yeah, he hates it.
- He's back to smoking cigarettes.
- He's back to the butts.
- Was he on Stern saying that he smoked cigarettes.
- He was on STR show. - It was STR, yeah, yeah.
At gas--
- Me and the Dorff kicked it all night.
- Dude, he was the first fucking villain in "Blade."
- Yeah. - You said it, honey.
- Yeah! There! We got Mom-Mom drops!
- Mom-Mom drops already? - I know you very well.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Dude, you're fly, now you've got some wind behind your wings.
- Hell, yeah. Shan Tov, everybody.
- Yeah, Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Shanah Tovah.
- To Lynn and Hard Corey,
the newlywed nuptialed Hard Corey.
- And Jacob. - Jacob.
How is married life treating you, Corey?
Sex is already down, right? Ain't happening at all.
- We don't talk. We sleep in different rooms.
- Right, all she wants is busting your balls.
You just wanna ball with your boys.
- Yeah, you just wanna go to your garage,
have a old one after a hard day at work.
- It's pretty much the same, I gotta admit, but--
- She's always done those things?
- In a way, I think it's better, because there was something
that we would've gotten in a fight about
that came up like five days after we got married,
and I think we both just looked at each other and said,
"You know, there's no reason to fight,
we're stuck together," and then it just kind of defused.
- He showed her the ring and he went, "This is for life."
- "I will kill you before I..." - "Mine or yours."
Yeah, "I will put you in a foggy marsh
unless you agree with every single one of us."
- "I'll film the whole goddamn thing."
- Dude, what is that was the arc for "The Bonfire"?
Corey ended up murdering his wife and then we were just
suspect-- we were character witnesses,
and this is just a huge trial where Jacob--
- So, guys, we're gonna run a Lost Tapes tomorrow
because we got grand jury turns out.
- I mean, sorry, guys, we're doing a "best of" all week.
Turns out Corey hacked his wife to death
and we gotta go testify against it.
- I gotta give a deposition. There's a whole thing.
- Apparently there was a thing going on with Christine
and Corey, and we didn't know... - Media blackout.
- I don't know, man. We are not allowed
by the State of New York to talk about anything...
- We're in a media fucking blackout.
- Yeah, it's the People of New York versus Hard Corey.
(laughter) - He just snapped.
Hard Corey couldn't take it no morey.
- He goes, "Do you want me to tell you what happened?
Yeah, I killed the bitch with headphones."
- "Eh, so what?" - "I fuckin' murdered her."
- "She was never gonna let me leave.
She was never gonna let me leave."
- "I had to get married. I was fuckin' trapped.
I was fuckin' trapped."
He goes, "I couldn't go back to the world of film and porn.
"My love. I love putting skin on film."
- You gonna for a kid, Cor, or are you so ashamed
of your pornographic past that you don't feel
you should bring a child into the world?"
- I understand that.
But through dark comes light, Corey.
- I had to explain to her what a maingel was.
- Really? - Because you guys got me
that cake that said "Congratulations on finding
your maingel." I showed her the photo.
She said, "What the hell's a maingel?"
- That's-- - You explain it to her?
- I had to admit I didn't really know.
- So funny, you go, "Well, do you remember
the movie 'The Goonies'?" - Come on, do you not know?
- Well, I know now. Lynn had to explain to me,
what a maingel is. - How did Lynn--
Lynn, how did you explain what a maingel was to Corey?
Did you go-- - They're in my program.
- Yeah! She goes, "Now there's things called boys and girls,
"and boys like girls, and girls don't like boys
unless they have a lot of nitrous and a house."
How did you explain it?
- When a man and woman love each other,
and one of those men-- and that man is Corey Feldman...
- Yes. - He picks a bunch of angels...
- Yes. - ...but then he picks one angel
to be his maingel. - And he marries that one.
- And that's his maingel. - I believe the proper
nomenclature in the streets is "bottom bitch."
- Yes. - Yeah.
- So we're, sure, Lynn can continue to wear lingerie
and wings and walk around your house...
- Absolutely. - But your wife is your maingel.
That's just eye candy. - Listen, we're all--
- Lynn just eye candy for you guys.
- I'm not saying it's out of the realm
that you can't have nitrous oxide suck-off parties...
- Not at all, absolutely. - With people dressed
as angels and other reporters that aren't having fun.
However... - That said...
- Your wife is your maingel. - When it comes down to
go out to Olive Garden, only one's going with you,
and that's the maingel.
- Also, if you choose to cover "Blackbird"
at a bar, you have to play with your maingel.
- Yes, just make sure you bring Lynn home some, like,
you know, it's unlimited breadsticks and salad,
so bring her home some. - Buy one get one free dinner.
- Yeah, bring one home for Lynn.
And then the maingel gets the other one.
- So weird that you read comics. It's such an odd thing.
- Yeah, I mean, I read certain comics.
I like certain-- I like Batman.
I like anything Garth Ennis does.
- Still currently? - Yeah, I read comics.
I love it. - Where?
- Sometimes I'll go to Midtown-- I'll go to Midtown Comics
if I'm just in the area. - And buy some comics?
- Just ask what's going on. I was supposed--
I started to read "The Manhattan Project,"
but then, you know, I kind of bailed after like half a book.
But I'll get into it. I'll like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'll get into comics.
If they're like cool, like "The Boys" that's out on Amazon.
- Where do you have 'em? - Uh, what do you mean?
- I've been to your house.
I didn't see your comic collection.
- Yeah, look in my bottom oh my library--
or my bookcase when you come-- - Is it really comic books?
- Yeah, there's a ton of comic books.
- That's so crazy. I didn't notice that at all.
- Yeah, if you look-- I mean, in fact,
I'm gonna let Jacob borrow-- 'cause he started
reading "The Boys," and I have the whole set,
and I was gonna give him the ones he hasn't read yet.
- You guys are trading comic books?
You think that's less gay than sharing hearts?
- Yep.
Yep, I'll still stand by it. - Stand by it?
- I stand by it. It's still less gay
than sharing your heart with a Terminator.
- I had an old comic I found at my grandma's house recently.
It was "Groo."
I used to read a lot of funny comics.
- Yeah, that's-- those are for simpletons.
- I was for-- I was into comedy comics.
Yeah, yeah, well, I was really young.
- I know, I'm kidding. That was my way of--
- I never got-- I liked comic book artwork a ton.
- Yeah. - But did not really get
into reading comics. - Do you remember book fairs?
Do you remember book fairs in elementary school?
Where you'd, like, go to the book fair?
- Never bought books. - I always--
- I always bought the activity thing you could do, markers.
- I bought the how to draw comic book...
- Sure. - And then I'd just trace.
And I would just trace it! - When they made trace paper...
- I was such an idiot! - When they made trace paper,
I used to trace all kinds of shit.
- Dude, I just remembered this story telling this.
But I remember in fourth grade, I traced a picture
of Bart Simpson and I showed it to this girl
Valencia Harris... - Mm-hmm.
- And she just goes, "You traced that."
And I go, "What?" 'Cause I was acting like I drew it.
- Yeah. - And she's like,
"You traced that." And I was like, "Pssh!"
Turns out Valencia turns out being an incredible artist,
so she was, like, into drawing and I just showed it to her.
And she goes, "Yeah, you traced that."
And I was like, "Fucking liar. What? I drew that."
- How'd she know, you think? - The lines weren't complete.
She said when you're like-- when you're sketching something
the lines go through. Mine were like, one,
and then it was like up. I was an idiot.
I traced bad. I'm bad at tracing.
I'm an awful liar is basically what I'm saying.
- Do you want to have a Bart Simpson
drawing contest right now? - You'd probably smoke me.
- I don't know if that's true at all.
- We already did the draw-off. You won.
- But that was pictures of us having sex with Jacob.
That's different.
- We did another one previous to that.
- We did? - Yeah, you won.
You had your bad boy with the hat,
and I had my guy with the brain opened up.
No one liked it. - Well, you're the hero
of the black women of the hallways,
so you have your thing and I have my thing.
The more you tell that lady that she has to
compliment me, the more she publically digs at me
in the hallways, and I don't know her at all.
Today she actually aid, "Fuck him."
- Well, 'cause I was going, "Stop it, stop it.
"I'm gonna get yelled at for the show for you praising me.
I can't be praised," I was yelling out like an abused wife.
I was like, "Don't-- If you arrest him
he's just gonna beat me more!" - Who is she?
- Karen Hunter. - Fuck her.
- Hey. - How about that?
- She was just trying to be nice.
- To say "Fuck me?" - No, to me,
and I making it a thing and she was joking around.
She didn't actually say, "Fuck you."
- Did she not? I'm coming at her.
- Oh, my God, this is terrible. - Coming at her, dude.
- People wanna know what the smoke breaks are like.
It's him pointing out that I'm Mafee from "Billions,"
and then anytime I get a compliment in the hallway
it's him stomping in here for the first hour.
- It wasn't the compliments. - We were having a lovely
conversation about comics books. - It wasn't the compliments.
- I wanna watch "The Dark Knight" trailer.
I'll watch "The Dark Knight" trailer.
You can complain to the cameras. - She said all this
camerawork is for you.
- Yeah, she goes, "All these cameras for Dan Soder?"
Which immediately filled me with anxiety.
- Right. - 'Cause I know Jay is going
like, "Oh, is this all for you?" And I'm like, "No, it's not."
- I disagree. I agree it was all for Soder.
- No, you weren't, and you fucking liar.
- I did agree out there! - Yeah, but you're an asshole.
- That's exactly what I said, I agree!
- Why you talking so high?
- That's what I said right out in the hallway!
- You said it, honey. - Thanks, Mom-Mom.
- I love how you constantly have a hype man now.
You constantly have a Mom-Mom to agree with you.
- Mom-Mom just goes with whatever.
- Yeah, Mom-Mom-- - I know you very well.
- See? - She goes, "All this cameras
for you, Dan Soder."
And then I was like, "Hell yeah."
- No, Jacob will understand immediately
the anxiety I felt when I heard that.
I was like, "Stop it, stop it, you're gonna get me in trouble!
You're gonna get me in so much fuckin' trouble with Jay!"
- Because they're ignorant. - Oh! Mom-Mom!
I was trying to tell them it was for--
It was for your sweet Jason-Jason.
I don't know what she calls you.
- First of all "It was for me and Jay."
And she goes," Well, I don't know him."
So, that was her being ignorant actually right away.
I said nothing shitty. - Sure.
- Because they're ignorant. - Yeah, that's right.
- She doesn't mean blacks. - You said it, honey.
- She does not mean blacks, by the way.
She means black women. - You said it, honey.
- It's just a constant agreement.
- You said it, honey! You're so great
to have backup on any terrible thing you say!
Look, I'm not saying black people should be sent away.
I'm just saying we should stay separate from them.
- You said it, honey.
- I mean, if my grandma backs that up.
- Your grandmother is just violently racist,
and I had no clue. - She turned to violent racism.
- Yeah.
- My honey doesn't have a racist bone in his body.
Except for the blacks. - (all) You said it, honey!
- I love it. Here's-- Here's the--
- But that, uh, yeah, that was so weird in the halls.
She went big with it also. That was odd.
- Yeah. - But that's cool.
- They love you, dude. - I did her show.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were all about it, dude.
Fuckin' Bev saw you in the hallway.
Her titties all jiggling out and shit.
- Bev said hi to you too. - Huh?
- Bev said hi to you too. - It's literally--
I hope it's on-- Please say we got that in the hallways,
walking in the hallways.
It is, "Oh, Dan!" (shouting indistinctly)
- She didn't do that at all. - And then she goes, "Hey."
She gave me a "hey." - That's not at all.
- That security guards do that to you.
What have you done, dude? What did you do last February?
Did you give everybody a present for 28 days?
- I should tell you this. I do corporate Kwanzaa events.
I go in and I usually do like one Kwanzaa show a year.
- You're the corporate comic for Sirius XM's parties.
You never tell me? - Yeah, dude, I do real clean.
- I gotta jam out today after the show, buddy, I'm sorry.
You go upstairs to a boardroom. - That's why they all love me.
I go in and I do clean. I do a tight, clean 45.
- Keep it really tight and clean.
- Yes, sir, Dan Soder, "Billions"
talking to the ladies. - I hate you.
- It's Mafee from "Billions." - Stop it.
- Sorry, but that is Mafee. - Oh, damn it.
- Yes, sir, it's what you think in a tracksuit.
It's Mafee from TV's "Billions."
- Hi. - It's Dan Soder.
- I hate you. I hate you so much.
- Crazy. It's New York, though, right?
♪♪
Wait a second.
Did you just get me to come down here, Dan,
to avoid the hustle and bustle of Mafee fame
up there in the real world?
- There's a lot of Mafee fame in-between here and there,
but, yes, I do enjoy this-- I'm much more relaxed
and myself down here.
Up there is a fuckin' hot zone of Mafee heads.
- Don't here you just said is also Mafee-heavy.
- No, but they're just going--
They're going quick to the subway.
They're in transit. - Oh, see, so by the time
they get here, they're not slowing it down for Mafee.
- They don't care about-- They don't care about
a 15th on the call sheet-- Now!
- It would have to be a Giamatti.
- I would even say a dollar bill.
I would even say you jump up a couple.
- No. - Yeah.
- Don't you dare. - That would stop 'em.
I think maybe...
- Do you think maybe the problem is don't know
that you are, in fact, Mafee from "Billions"
sitting right over here?
Because you're a little out of eyeshot.
Is that why you picked sort of this out of way area?
- No, I picked it 'cause I like the chairs.
- Mm-hmm.
He's wondering what's going on.
- Why? - Where they where?
Oh, they were wondering.
"Oh, this guy's got 'Billions' all over him."
- Hi, Dan Soder. "Trillions," the spinoff.
What happens? when "Billions"...
- "Mafee's Revenge!" ... get trillions?
The standalone movie.
- What happens when "Billions" get trillions?
- Trillions!
(Dan burping)
- There's no one-- Oh!
- It's just funny to emerge like this, though.
(Jay laughing)
- Me pointing forward? - Yeah, that great!
Me pointing at you for the album.
(laughter)
- Hey, what's going on? - He's the DJ
and you're the rapper.
- Hi, Bev. How you doing?
- Bye, baby. (overlapping chatter)
- Okay, I wonder what's up. Hi. Hey.
♪♪
- Is this all for Dan Soder's people with cameras and--
- And Big Jay Oakerson, you gotta say Big Jay Oakerson too
or he's gonna-- It's half his show,
or else I'm gonna be buried. - No, it's not.
- But now I'm in trouble-- - We got a relationship.
- But now I'm in trouble with Jay because you acknowledged me.
'Cause he cant-- He gets jealous.
He gest jealous, and now I'm gonna pay for it.
I'm like an abused wife. - I got you, I got you, Dan.
- Yeah. - Fuck me.
- I'm like an abused wife. I know I'm gonna be
the one that takes this.
- She said "fuck him." (laughter)
- No, I'm the one-- The the one that pays.
- Oh.
- I'm like, "Shut it down. Don't say hush."
- I like how she yells at you,
and then she goes-- you're like,
"I don't know him."
- Yeah, she just keeps going, "I hate him."
I'm like, "Stop it!
"You have to acknowledge him or I will get yelled at.
"If you do not acknowledge him,
I will be the one that pays for it."
- And it's "The Bonfire," Comedy Central Radio.
Sirius XM 95. I'm Dan Soder.
That's Big Jay Oakerson. And joining us,
the host from the podcast "Advice from a Dipshit,"
and the new special "Finally Live In Portland" on Amazon.
Please welcome to the show Matt Braunger, everyone.
- Hello, boys. - Hello, Matt.
- What's happening? - We're just doing this
super aggro-- 'cause all these incels
are threatening violence in "The Joker" ones.
But you know who doesn't threaten violence?
Dudes who love nut tap rock.
- No, 'cause you get rid of your violence
on another fella's nuts. - Yeah.
- And you get HPV pretty early in life.
- Yeah, but that learns ya.
- Are there actual dork threats on the movie?
- No, I don't think so. - Like are there dorks
threatening that there's gonna be trouble in the theaters?
- Are we Dork Level Nine? - There's a dork level.
- What's the dork level on that?
- Our dork threat level is orange.
I think that's where "Joker" is.
Usually our dork threat level is at like a yellow.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- The dork level-- White dude dork level threat
is at orange. - I just-- I wanna see like
a Secret Service guy just say that into his wrist.
Looking "pentively" across the parking lot.
"We're at dork level orange."
- He goes, "Nine o'clock, I got a dork.
I got a dork about to make a move."
- Keep your eyes on that dork.
- It'd be funny if the crime in the movie
was always appropriate to the movie--
You know, like the Aurora kid did The Joker.
and dressed as The Joker. - Sure.
- And during like the Tonya Harding movie
you go in, just kneecap a guy.
- Oh, no! Everybody's getting kneecapped!
- Oh, it was a massacre of kneecaps! Ow!
- Watch out, everyone-- - Ow!
- One after the other trying to escape!
- There is a warning. If you got see "Notebook"
in theaters, you will not connect
with the love of your life.
- But you will kiss someone in the rain.
That's a guarantee. - Yeah, just a bunch of
sprinklers going out and everyone's making out.
- It's just and usher that's paid to kiss you on the mouth
under a shower they've rigged up.
- I wrote you every day! - That's what he says
to everyone before he gives 'em a big smacker.
- Wrote you every day. Kiss. Wrote you every day. Kiss.
- "The Notebook" kissing massacre.
- Someone-- someone shoots up a movie theater
showing "King Kong" with a biplane.
(imitating machinegun firing)
- Yeah! - They, uh...
We were talking about celebrity meltdowns,
'cause we looked at Aaron Carter,
the younger brother of Nick Carter
from The Backstreet Boys. He got a big face tattoo.
- Okay, oh! - And that's always the sign
of a mental breakdown.
- And he's on "Marriage Boot Camp"
with Corey Feldman.
So it's-- He looks like a meth--
Can you make the picture real big?
I gotta see what it is. - Wow.
- Someone said-- I think on Stern today
they said it's like Rihanna with Medusa hair.
- Wow. I mean, and have you noticed--
Like, the face tattoo thing was...
publically kind of started by rappers, yeah, generally?
- Yeah. - And generally black rappers.
- Tyson. - Seems like Lil Wayne was like
the first guy that was really doing it hard.
- And so now you have like... Is it Lil Xan?
Like white people getting it. And white people getting it
just looks like you fell asleep at a frat party.
- It does look like a drawing. - It's so bold.
It looks like someone just drew on your face.
- It's so bold, yeah. - With a darker complexion
it's subtler, you know-- - Every time I see Post Malone
I'm like, "Who's house did you fall asleep at?"
- "How drunk were you?" At-- at--
Phi Delta Kappa?
- ♪ I be falling asleep at Craig's sleepover ♪
- Yeah, the-- the tattoo artist has said
on several platforms already
that he tried to talk him out of it.
He wouldn't do it in the middle of his face the way he wanted.
- What? - And he wouldn't drag it
to far, so he got him to agree finally
to kind of do it this way.
He's the guy that did Tekashi69's tattoos
on his face also. - What is the recoup--
Let's say you get a face tattoo. Let's say you're Post Malone
and get a face tattoo and you want that shit off.
You wanna take your face off. - It's never gonna look great.
You'll have to wear makeup the rest of your life
if you want it to really look gone.
- It's gonna burn. The-- Whatever they do.
The lasers. - You'll have scarring.
Your skin'll look different there forever, yeah.
- And hearing that like noise that it makes
when it's like, "Tick tick tick tick tick!"
You know, and they're like-- - And you know it's just
zapping your skin. It's like boiling your skin.
- Yeah, man. - It's almost like--
I compare it to like just getting
a drastically horrible haircut
when you see the look on someone's face that knows you,
and it's like-- and they love you,
and they're like, "Yeah!" And they're trying to...
- What did you do? - I can't imagine the look
when you have a face tattoo and they haven't been
told about it, and they just-- they probably just
drop their head and just sigh and just go,
"I just need a second, man."
And you're like, "What? What is it? What's wrong?"
- I even get the neck tattoo to some degree, but don't get--
- Sure. - You know where your line is.
Face for sure is definitely a line for me.
But I will even say...
- I would say you can tat it up to the top.
- I'd say completely covered neck is a also a line.
I'm like that's just-- It's like you're just a weird--
It's crazy looking.
- It's a turtleneck made of skulls.
That's all that is. - Yeah!
- You're still wearing a turtleneck,
but it's permanent.
- It's a permanent turtleneck of skulls!
- Can you imagine? I mean, that's a great putdown
before you get beat to death in prison.
"What's up with your skull turtleneck, dick?"
And then you get stomped to death.
But you went out pretty hilariously.
- "It's a white power thing, it's a white power thing!"
- "Did you guys hear what he said to Big Sleepy?
"He said, 'Fucking nice turtleneck.'
Fucking killed him, bro."
- They'd be laughing for weeks, you're a legend.
- "Oh, my God, Big Sleepy you do have a turtle--
"You have a turtleneck of all your dead homies, bro.
Why the fuck you look so stupid? He said, "Shut up!"
- Matt, I like that Matt can come in and accurately
eye me up to see that I would probably
go with a turtleneck of skulls,
would be my sad choice.
And then still be like a pleasant nice guys that I am.
And I'd be like, "What does Jay have?
What about his personality says neck of skulls?"
I'm like, "I don't know. Look neat, right?"
- "Yeah, guys, it looks like I have a whole--
It looks like I have skulls on my neck."
- The problem is I think these guys like an Aaron Carter
try to get a personality to go with...
- Oh, yeah. - ...face and neck tattoos.
You know what I mean? Like they're--
He's got a big thing with guns apparently.
- Well, what I love about Post Malone
is he's still kind of silly. - Yeah.
- Like he's got face tattoos and he's like, "Oh, cool, man!"
He's kind of got like a Pete Davidson thing about him,
where he's just like, "Oh, that's pretty sick."
- I just don't know what the fuck he is.
- "I just wrong a fucking dope-ass song."
I can't describe what he is at all.
- Aaron Carter? Broken mentally.
- Post Malone. - Oh, Post Malone.
- I don't know what he is. - Post Malone--
I feel like he can take off all of his tattoos
when he gets home, and that's who he really is.
- Yeah, peel 'em right off.
- And he goes, "Oof!" He goes, "Oof!"
- Yeah, he does like the "American Psycho"
peeling the thing off with all the tattoos are attached to it.
- Yeah. - He has to put on
a crazy fucking thing every day, a mask.
I mean, what a bizarre-- What is Tekashi69
gonna do when he's released from jail one day?
I mean, he's gotta hide for the rest of his life.
- He took-- He did not take protective custody.
I think he turned down-- - No, he-- protective custody--
- No, he turned down Witness Protection.
- Are you sure Witness Protection didn't turn down him?
- Probably. - Because there's no way
that man blend in. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I think you're right, but is that the, uh...
Is that what it is? Look that up, Christina.
I think that they-- Yeah, he turned--
He has a private security team, not Witness Protection.
But, I mean, if you don't go in Witness Protection,
there's gonna be a lot of attempts on--"
I'm even saying there's gonna succeed,
but for a while they're gonna try to fuckin'...
- Well, it's like how much--
What's the acceptable level of anxiety in a person's life?
I mean, where you just have a target on your head
the rest of your-- They're like--
- Well, do you remember Henry Hill?
Henry Hill used to go on Howard Stern all the time
and just give his address were he currently lives.
- In Queens. - And he would always just go,
"Yeah, they're all dead anyw-- or old men now.
Like, no one-- They don't even have like pull
in the current mob, the people that hated him.
He was like, "So what difference does it fucking make?"
(coughs) He's kind of right, never--
- No thanks on Witness Protection
24/7 security's fine by me.
Oh, he's saying he doesn't want it.
He plans to do something very un-snitch-like.
All the snitching-- "Federal trial that saw
"the rapper sing like a canary
"for three days wraps up Thursday.
"Tekashi pointed fingers, names names.
"But sources close to him tell us
"he will forego any participation
"in Witness Protection and will instead
opt for a life of fame." Is he gonna be famous?
I don't think anyone's gonna fuck with him
'cause he's a snitch. - That'd be my thought.
But I-- then again I feel like
so many of the hip-hop rules just get changed all the time.
- Yeah. - I think, you know,
like the older rappers will definitely hate him,
but it's kind of like to your point, Jay.
I think maybe some of these new rappers would be like,
"I would've done the same thing."
Like, who knows? I don't know.
As much as I think he wouldn't have a career, I don't know.
- Yeah, I mean, but look at that face took.
Even what we caught right there. I mean, that's a lot.
- You think he's gonna come out and make music again?
- I don't know. I didn't know he had
Edward James Olmos face. - Isabelle, you think so?
- Look at his pock marks. - He what?
- He said he's going to.
- He said he's gonna come out and make music?
- That's why he said he's not going into witness protection.
He's getting 24-hour security. - So just to make music?
But who's gonna fuck with his music?
- Who's gonna buy his music? - Yeah, that's a good question.
- I mean, the thing was that it came out that he snitched,
because like right before, when he got beat up and, like,
his chain got snatched, it was like his gang.
So he wasn't gonna go down for, like--
- Oh, you're saying his own gang robbed him,
so he was like, "Fuck you guys, you're gonna rob me..."
- Yeah, and there was like-- they found like a whole thing,
and they were like planning on killing him.
- Oh, really? - Now where does that fall?
Is that affiliated with your gang, Isabella?
- Now, you're a-- you're a 9 Trey Blood, right?
You represent. I know you're out in the streets repping--
I know you fuckin' bang. I know you bang hard.
Jay knows. Jay knows. I've seen you on Facebook.
You don't use the letter "C." Well, he's fucked.
He made a bunch of bad decisions.
- And now everyone knows he's talking,
he's gonna come out of jail.
- Yeah, that 24-hour security ain't gonna work.
- Yeah, you're just gonna get those guys killed.
- I bet he--
- How you gonna get somebody to take the gig?
- Do you guys wanna take a death pool?
Under three years? Over, under?
Three years out of.
- He's probably paying them a ton of money.
- How's he gonna get money, though? How's he get money?
- He's still making money 'cause his songs are still
like getting played.
- I don't think he's making that much money.
- How much they gonna pay him for 24-hour security?
- Yeah, I don't think he's-- - Is that an option
of him snitching on everybody, is they are supplying him
with 24-hour, like, police security
for the rest of his life?
- I don't think they would do that.
- Well, witness protection costs--
You have to set somebody up for life anyway there.
- Yeah, but I think it's probably cheaper
to kind of like wipe their slate
and get rid of those tattoos and...
I don't know what they do with 'em.
But, you know, just give 'em a disguise
and put 'em somewhere working... - (laughing)
- Managing a Red Lobster somewhere, I don't know.
Not that that's what they did with my uncle.
Ah, it's a long story.
- He goes, "That Tekashi69?" He goes, "No, it can't be.
"Tekashi69 didn't have a nose
attached to glasses and a moustache."
- Impossible. He doesn't have a polish nose.
- Yeah. Yeah, maybe if Groucho Marx was his dad, right?
No. Keep walking. That's not him.
- You go, "Guys, I don't wanna be weird right now.
"But see that guy refilling the chocolate mocha at the buffet?
I think that's Tekashi69."
The guy with the blond wig?
- You go over, he starts snitching on people again.
You go over, he goes, "Are you Tekashi69?"
He goes, "No, I'm not, but I'll tell you what,
Milton's definitely stealing from the tip jar."
- They go, "Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa."
He goes, "Ashley didn't cover her shift and she said she did."
- I don't know who those people are.
Who's Milton? Who's Ashley? - He goes...
- "Carl called in sick, and I know for a fact he's not sick."
- I went by his house late at night. He was partying.
- He was rockin' out. - Yeah.
- He said he felt better as the day went on,
but everyone feels worse-- - I think he's hung over.
I really do. - I heard he said he had
diarrhea, and he just went into the bathroom
and sat on his phone.
(fire crackling)
- Auditioning for "SVU"
was the craziest waiting room I've ever been in,
because it's just guys were there who kind of look like me.
- Sure. - Coming in for the role of
this landlord.
And the girl who gets killed, I guess,
who is like a stripper of some sort or something in it...
- So it's burly dudes and hot chicks?
- Or gets raped or whatever. No, and it was just
smokin' hot chicks who come dressed for the part,
and then they go in and...
the door is right next to where we're all sitting.
And you just hear 'em go, they go,
"Hey, it's nice to meet you. We're calling in, uh...
Cassie Johnson," or whatever, then they walk in.
And they go, "Hi, it's nice to meet you," and she goes,
"Nice to meet you, too." He goes, "Okay, okay, come in."
And the door closes and you hear like, "No, no-- get-- no!
"No, hey, get your hands off of me!
"Please, no, God! Oh, no! Oh, please!
Oh, no! No, no, no!" And then the door back open,
and he goes, "Thank you, that was fantastic."
She goes, "Thank you guys so much for having me."
- "Oh, my God, make sure you say hi to Clarissa for me.
I haven't seen her in forever."
You know know they kind of know the casting agent sometimes.
They go in, they go, "Oh, my God, how is your dog!
Do you have pictures?"
- "I hope he gets better, I hope-- Oh, I'm so sorry...
- "Shut the door and go." "You're raping me!
You're raping me in my asshole!" - No exaggeration.
- And then they open the door. "Anyways..."
- Well, it was an exaggeration. They did not say,
"You're raping me in my asshole."
- Well, they need to write better dialogue for those women.
(laughter)
- I gotta say, when we can free up the language--
- We'll do "SVU: The Podcast" when that comes out.
They'll be... saying that.
- "Only on Audible."
- (laughter) - "SVU Podcast."
But that was such a bizarre--
And they all come dressed like...
- Mm-hmm. - Decked out like hookers.
Or strippers-- it's so weird. - Yeah.
I just showed up in my clothes, like,
"I pictured he would dress a lot like me, this guy."
- Yeah. I picture... - (laughter)
- I picture he's a guy that
has a lot of similar clean laundry to me.
- I dress like a shitty landlord, I realized, so...
- Yeah. - Ya shoulda been in a bathrobe.
- I go, "Why break something that's not broken?"
You know what I mean? - You go, "Can you please
address me as the landlord? I came dressed."
- I do miss kind of being in a roomful of people, like,
for some random commercial, and the guy comes dressed
too exactly like the person. - Yeah.
- And then we all laugh at him.
"Like, I'm sorry, man, I can't, uh...
"You're dressed just like a blackjack dealer.
Where's that outfit from?" - Yeah, exactly, or a monocle.
He's wearing a monocle. - "Where did you get that?"
- There's one where a guy walked in in full O.R. scrubs.
- Oh, yeah? - We were supposed to play,
like, an orderly, and he came in O.R. scrubs.
And you're like, "What are you doing, dude? "
- That person, I mean, you want to really--
That's the adult version of you wanna bully him.
You want to hang him in a locker.
- Yes, that's exactly it.
- When he comes all dorked out like that...
- Oh, did you do your homework, you fuckin' dork?
- I'm telling you, a guy walked in with full
blackjack dealer regalia... - "Well, it's a period piece."
- ...and we just started laughing, and I'm like,
"Man, I don't-- I can't help but laugh, I'm sorry.
- You know what you should have done?
You should have gone like this, right when he walks in,
you should have gone... - Clap-clap, up and down.
- Yeah. And for that reason, I'm out.
- And that's it. - He goes, "Thank you guys
very much, I've been Matt. This guy's..."
- "Change dealers." - "Enjoy Karen."
- "This guy's a fuckin' dork, and I'll see you guys later.
- "Scott, the pit boss. Wanna cash me out?"
- You come in and he goes, "Well, this is a period piece
vampire film." He goes, "Well, I don't have
any ruffles and velvet suits at home."
- Oh, cool! That you have something from the gilded age.
- One of the first times I went in for a commercial,
I walked in and there's this really attractive woman
with a clipboard, and I was like,
"Yeah, I'm here for the audition."
She says, "What's your name?" And I was like, "Matt Braunger."
She goes, "Oh, yeah, let me look.
You're here for the role of Unattractive Man."
- Ohh. - And it just broke my heart,
but then I just laughed my ass off,
and then it became the best hour of my life
watching every other guy walk in and get told that.
- Told the same thing. - And seeing the different
reactions, yeah. - I've really, uh,
I said I won't go out for auditions anymore that,
when you read them, it's like, "Slovenly but sweet."
- Yeah. - Always something like that.
He goes, "Sweaty, gross, has tits... can't get laid.
But a heart of gold." - "Like if a fart had skin."
- (laughing) - I don't know what that means.
What do you mean, "Like if a fart had skin"?
- "A forgotten ghost of a sack of shit.
But nice." - Yeah.
- (laughing) If-- If-- If a turd had a soul...
- Yeah, what does that mean? - This guy.
- I'm sorry, what does that mean?
If a bloody dog dump had eyes. And you go, "What's up?"
- And you go, "Yeah, I don't think I wanna read for this,"
and then your manager goes like,
"Well, they asked for you specifically."
(laughter) - That kind of hurts even more.
- I think they had you mind. - It's all of that
that we said, and at the end,
"You know, a Big Jay Oakerson type."
That's at the end of all that shit.
"Fuck you guys."
- How many stories do you know?
I know Ben Bailey, like one or two peop--
Artie Lange, I think, just told us on Legion of Skanks
the other day about someone going and not getting a role
that in the description says a type of them.
- That happens all the time. - Yeah?
- Yeah, uh, who-- fuck. Yeah, um...
I know two people who've had to audition to play themselves.
- Crazy. - And, uh... and then--
- Oh, I did. I did for, uh, "Crashing."
- "Crashing," yeah. - Jesus Christ.
- Yeah. I was auditioning to play myself.
And, I mean, I got it, but what was more funny
was the people who didn't.
Like Greer Barnes I think sort of plays Kurt,
I think it was. - Yeah.
- Or something like that. - Oh, that's funny.
- And someone is Joe DeRosa.
- ♪ I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine ♪
- (Joe DeRosa laughing) - That's Joe DeRosa.
- Yeah. Yes, it is. - The hyena.
- The hyena. - He's around.
- But, um... - He's always up in the hills.
- Yeah, I-- - Mocking us.
- Ever since I, uh... was gonna audition
for something that was like taking my shirt-- I took--
You know, I told you this story a thousand times.
Being shirtless and painted green for a Halls commercial
that never came out. - Phew.
- And I just got sunburned, and the giant "S"
that was in my own skin color... - Ohh.
- ...from being painted green. - Phew.
- And shirtless all day outside, and sweating. Fat.
- How much-- How good was that money, though?
- Session fee. It never aired.
- Yeah. I had one of those. - 300-some bucks.
And the guys, the actors that were on the thing also,
were like, "Dude, you're about to have
the best year of your life." And I'm like, "Why?"
He goes, "This is like a campaign that keeps running."
He goes, "This might be a Super Bowl commercial for all we know.
We have no idea, like, it's a football-themed thing."
And you're gettin' goosed up. And he goes,
"Dude, I did the one last year."
- "$48,000 by the end of the month."
And you're like... - No, no, but I--
It wasn't anything like that, but he was like,
"You're gonna have a good year."
These are actors who aren't making a lot of money.
So he goes, "I made 70 last year of this commercial."
Like 70, which was like, if you told me also on top
of what I'm making, which is little to nothing...
- Mm-hmm. - If I was making $30,000
in comedy, maybe.
And you're telling me $70,000, I'm going to $100,000,
yo, it would've been huge.
And then it never aired, and I just got that sunburn.
- Joe List did a Captain Morgan's commercial.
And when he got it, we were all like,
"Pff, you're buying drinks for the next five years."
And then it aired like during the World Baseball Classic.
- Like once? - Yeah.
- Just come out once. What was the one you had?
- It was a Progressive Insurance ad or something,
one of the big ones like Prudential or something,
and I was on top of a crushed car
on like crutches, dancing around,
with like a-- like bandages on my head.
And it was a-- and it was, um--
What the fuck is the sports announcer?
God dammit. - Chris Berman?
- The one with the-- I'm blanking.
He has white hair, um...
- Pat Summerall. - Yes? I think.
- Football announcer? - Yes.
- Pat Summerall, for sure. - I think so.
- John Madden or Pat Summerall? - Wasn't John Madden.
- Probably Pat Summerall. - But, uh, and then I was like,
"Okay, great, we got a celebrity and everything."
But they focus-grouped it, and it's like,
"Hmm... he's injured and he's dancing.
I don't like it, it makes me feel weird."
And they just-- I just got a letter in the mail
that it'll never air. - Ohh...
- I was like... I thought it was that.
It was like had a famous guy, you know, it was a campaign
that they're gonna run-- - Cancel culture, man.
- Everyone's gettin' canceled, dude.
- On a tiny level. - The woke people came out,
and they were like, "No."
- "I don't like he's dancing, and injured."
- "I twisted my ankle once, and I wouldn't dance.
"No matter how many times they asked.
It was my own wedding, so I would know."
- As someone with bad ankles...
- "I was sad." - "I'm offended."
- "When I hurt my ankle, I was sad. I was not dancing."
- "And I did not see myself represented as a sad person."
- "I did not gloat on top of a broken car."
♪ I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine ♪
- What was your-- you know, I had the audition
before I came here, the one day.
Remember where I just ate shit with impressions, and then--
then I got lost-- then I got lost in the hallways.
- Ugh. - I had to ask for my way out.
- The worst one was I did, um...
I think it was for either-- I think it was "Bad Grandpa,"
with De Niro. - Yeah.
- You know that movie? - And, uh, Adam...
- Zac Efron, right? - I was in L.A.
We were in L.A. doing shows. - This is Zac Efron?
- I swore I told this story on this show,
but I went in and fuckin' ate it so hard,
that the lady was like, "Do you wanna go out in the lobby
and then come back in?"
- Wow. - Ohh...
- And I was like, "Yeah."
And then I came back in and fucked it up again,
and I was like, "I don't like this and I wanna go home."
And I remember going out to my car in L.A. and just being like,
"L.A. sucks!" - Dude, I walked out--
- By the way, 100% my fault. I completely fucked up.
- So me with the impressions, but as I was walking out,
I remember I was like, "It was terrible."
And she goes, "No, it wasn't bad," I go, "It was!"
And I just left. - Oh, this lady...
This lady did not pull any punches.
- And I got lost in the hallways.
- I just go, "I'm so sorry."
- And she goes, "Thanks for coming in."
And you're like... (scoffs)
- Ooh. - Ugh. Yeah.
Oh, fuck, I hate that.
- ♪ I love the cocaine ♪
- I'd rather know that I'm not getting it
right when I walk in... - Yeah.
- Yeah! Oh, I had one, I--
Between like 10 years ago and now,
I lost like 40 pounds or something.
And I went to the casting lady that hadn't seen me in a while,
and like I went in for this, I don't know, a fatter guy
or something, and she goes, "Aww...
You're-- You're-- But you're cute."
Her words. I was like, "Thanks."
And she goes, "Do you still wanna read?"
Like, well then, what the f-- Why?
You just told me there's no chance.
- What the fuck are you-- - Why waste our time with this?
- Yeah. - Well, I'll tell you what
they had me do for that Wu Tang show that we're
watching on Hulu, that was like, I went in to read
for something else,
and they pulled the, uh... they were like,
"Oh, maybe you wanna read for this--
"We're doing like a Wu Tang series for Hulu.
And you might wanna read for a part for that."
I was like, "Hell yeah. That'd be great."
And they give me the part, and it's just the N-word.
Is the only thing I was gonna say.
- What? - And I was like,
"Okay." And then I was like-- And they were like,
"Are you okay reading it?" I go,
"Are you okay with me reading it?"
It's fine with me to read it. Are you cool?"
- I'll blast off right now. - Yeah, and they were like,
"No, it's fine." And that was just,
there's another audition of me
just dropping an N-bomb for nothing.
- Brooks Wheelan wrote that-- he wrote a sketch for "SNL"
when he was on there about what it's like,
the white people auditioning for "12 Years a Slave."
And it's just-- and it's just actors getting the sides
and going, "Ohh... um, what?" And everyone behind the camera
is black, and they're like, "Just go ahead.
Just inhabit the character." - (laughter)
- And it was the same thing, where you go in for one thing
and they're like, "Can you try this? Wanna hear you--"
- Yeah, "I wanna hear you really--"
We're casting a thing of a mean, mean, white supremacist guy.
If you could just read that." - "Ooh, you know what?
"This one rapes handicapped children.
Can you ready that?" - "Without thinking quickly,
we'd like to record you saying some very vile things."
- "Just say this, and again,
"I want you to really lean in on this.
Like, you believe this. This man's a bad person."
- "Take some time to prep. Be clunky with it."
- "And if you could, actually, invoke a lot of yourself in it."
- "Can you take an hour and get off book?
Can you memorize these lines?" - "I want you to say it looking
like you're just walking down the street and said it to me."
- "Yeah, like it's coming from your heart."
- "And know, you want this part,
convince me you believe those things on that paper."
- It's funny when you see another comic auditioning,
you know, and you're both same thing,
and then their audition takes way longer than your audition.
- Oh, yeah, they're in there forever,
and then you're in and out in three seconds.
- They come out arms around everybody in the room.
"Ohh... I hate to see you go, but, you know..."
- Swear to God.
- "I guess we technically have to take everybody, so..."
- "We got a Ray Dokers. I don't know. He's after you."
- (laughing) Ray Doker. I don't read.
I can't read this gibberish. - When they just
give you nothing, when they just give you no--
Like, it was for Pete Davidson's movie...
- Where they send you ri-- when the person goes long before you.
- That's what it was. - And then when you're
getting knocked out nice and quick.
- Dude, mine was like-- the audition,
it took her a while, and she auditioned, and then like,
no joke, the door opening for her,
they're like, "Heeeey!" - Yeah.
- And then the door leaving for her, they go, "Aww..."
- "Oh, you have to leave?" - It was so long, and then--
- "I have to leave, guys." - And in my head, I was like,
"Well, I'll probably get a similarly warm reception."
And I open the door, and they're like, "Hi. Dan?"
And you're like, "Yeah." - Yeah.
- Have you ever-- - And then I just did two runs,
and they're like, "That's enough." And I was like...
- Have you ever acted in a thing where somebody working on it...
Like, you're not an important piece of the acting...
but somebody working on it is a fan of your comedy,
and they're sup-- I've had that specific thing before.
And they're really, like,
can't believe the way you're being treated
because they think you're something bigger than you are.
- Yes. - "Dude, they're making
"Big Jay Oakerson report to set himself?
They didn't send you a car?" And you're like...
"They did not send me a car." - (laughing)
- "Like, damn, man! They don't even know."
And he's like telling other people who don't give a shit.
They're like, "Great."
- "What are you doing on the bus, man?
I'm listening to your album right now."
You go, "Yeah, I'm going to work the road."
- (chuckling) What do you do? That's fuckin' awkward as shit.
- "What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm a fan, I'm an actual fan of your work."
- I did a sketch on, what was it, Seth Meyers?
I forget what it was, but it was one of those, you know,
it's just like, in the bulk of people, I was just gonna be
one of the few featured, like, uh...
like saying something in this sketch.
It was like a, you know, prerecorded sketch.
- Sure. - Mm-hmm.
- And I was one of the few people saying some things.
But I was just like the bulk of the extras,
and everybody was getting transported in the same thing
to a location to film it.
Be like, "How they keeping you in here
with all these extras and shit?"
And you're like, "Please stop making..."
- Please stop doing this. - Yeah.
You're making me feel shitty.
- Yeah, you're not helping. - I'm totally okay.
- It's like that friend who, like, is--
you know, like how your mom or somebody'll be like,
"Why aren't you on 'SNL'?" - Yeah.
- "I don't like anyone on there."
You know, your little biased mom.
Or you're at that like-- the friend I grew up with,
who is just like, "Hey what happened with that show idea
you told me like five years ago?"
I'm like, "What do you think happened with it, man?
It didn't go anywhere. I've pitched it everywhere."
And he goes, "What the-- They passed?
Dude, that is bullshit."
- And it's like, "Man, I've gotten over it.
It didn't stop. Could you let it go?"
- He goes, "You guys, you spent years writing that thing."
- You worked so hard! For nothing, Dan?
- The worst-- - For nothing?
- Absolutely nothing! - So you got nothing out of it?
And you wanna go, "You fuckin' work at Home Depot, man.
Why don't you shut up?" - The one that hurts
more than that is when your friends you grew up with
see you do standup, and they're like,
"You're gettin' pretty good." - Yeah! (laughing)
- "I've been doing this for 15 years," and they're like...
- They're like, "Man, you'll never get those hours back!"
- And they go like this-- no, but they always go like this.
They go, "I always thought you were like super funny
"off stage, so it's just like, you know.
I guess it's like kind of..." - "Yeah, I feel like you're
funnier off stage, man, still." - Yeah.
- "Still." - "Remember when we were stoned
"in the woods? God, you were killin' around that campfire.
"If you could get that way, you know, in front of
200 people that don't know you, that'd be better."
- You gotta learn how to bring that... to that.
- Dude, that's most of my friends.
- Has your manager told you that?
Have they been out stoned in the wood with you like I have?
- Oh, hi. Didn't see you come in there. I'm Dan Soder.
- I'm Big Jay Oakerson. - We're from the Bonfire on
Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95.
- Make sure you watch our
videos every Thursday on Comedy Central YouTube.
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