In May 2014, Vladimir Putin called the Eurovision Song Contest
“a hotbed of sodomy.”
A ringing endorsement.
The saddest thing to happen this year is
definitely the contest being canceled.
But don’t worry,
because we spent the last few weeks stuck in Internet holes
and lost on Romanian Tik Tok
putting together our very own contest.
Our mission is to find the very best song in Europe right now
as voted by you, our dear audience.
So open a beer or whatever.
Put some headphones on
and clear some space to move around because it’s about to get weird.
I’m your host Oobah Butler, and this is Europe’s Best Song.
[Europe’s Best Song]
Alright, so our first tune is from Russia.
It’s the lockdown song.
It came out two months ago
and has already had two million people watching it.
That’s probably because it’s got a guy in it
who’s got a Virgin Mary tattoo up to his nipples.
I’m told they’re rapping about how gangster they are,
how they are imprisoned due to how gangster they are,
and their plans to continue to be gangster
when they’re allowed out of prison.
A message we can all relate to.
Somebody lock me up
because I’m guilty of loving this tune.
I thought I was the only one who liked making pastry shoes.
Well, that’s going to be going around my head for a while.
What a tune.
And next up, we’ve got a lovely entry
from Spain’s resident noisecore nudist DJ
the Virgen María.
Here’s her music video Lit,
where we see her pole dancing on public transport.
Somebody call the policia.
This is actually a good technique
to make sure people keep their two meter distance.
I’m told that the Virgen María went through 300 rewrites
before settling on these chorus lyrics.
Well, that certainly was lit and sure to raise a few eyebrows
on the Spanish underground metro system.
If you want to make an official complaint to the Madrid Metro,
you can.
Ask for a form at the passenger service centers
at Sol or Plaza de Castilla Metro stations.
Or call the interactive passenger service center
with your mobile telephone.
For our next entry,
France’s national treasure Lala &ce writes a love letter to
giant glasses of Orangina and shimmering arses.
Girl, are you an oversized blunt?
Because you’re giving me severe anxiety just from looking at you.
I shudder thinking of the amount of calories in that drink.
No idea what she’s on about, but I felt that here.
Next up, it’s best to get the over-60s out the room
because we’ve got a song from an actual professional witch.
She’s called BRUJA.
And if you like your Romanian trance raver trap
as much as the next guy,
you’re going to like this.
It’s crazy to see such a U-turn in sound for Evanescence
after their hugely successful 2003 hit, Bring Me Back to Life.
Thank you, BRUJA.
Austria’s entry comes from Ebow,
rapping about her pride in her Turkish roots.
Power to you, Ebow.
Interesting fact:
in one of the verses, she’s rapping about just finishing
her master’s architecture degree.
Congratulations, Ebow.
Danke, danke, danke, danke, danke.
This next one’s about a top shagger shepherd
operating in the mountains of Greece,
and features Sma Rag Da, our artist, squatting in a variety of farms.
Shout out to all my cow mandem inside.
All jokes aside, this is a victory for representation of Greek farmers.
Finally.
Shout out to all the people in the countryside.
A quick but necessary note before we move on.
If you, like me, stopped the video at 1 minute 53,
that was a 1985 MAN 33 and a Poclain 75 truck.
And no, sadly, neither are available on Gumtree.
Let’s move on.
Next up, we’ve got ShitKid.
And no, that’s not Prince George,
but ShitKid from Sweden.
Trying to steal Greece’s entry’s farmer spotlight there,
which none of us like to see.
Bit of trivia for you:
people often think I’m Swedish,
but I’m not.
Not quite Dancing Queen,
but still wanting to get my dancing shoes on for that.
Up next we have Myss Keta, a Milano fashion icon,
with her bombastic dance floor weapon Pazzeska.
Enjoy.
And enjoy, if you like it, the gigantic mortadella she’s sat on.
Wow, that is a big mortadella, isn’t it?
Fun fact: that mortadella was donated from
the personal store of American actor Mark Ruffalo.
Get in, Mark.
Eight million people have got down to that.
And as the old saying goes,
I’d be way richer if I had a gigantic sausage
and a giant vat of body paint.
Next up, it’s time for Mate energy drinks and sensible haircuts
because Deutschland are joining the party.
Take it off, Alli Neumann.
Geil! Das ist wunderbar.
Really makes you think, doesn’t it?
The eight foot gorilla and the hairy knuckles.
Is that the monster?
Or is it us?
Now, we have Charlotte Adigéry with Paténipat,
which is Creole for “the gecko didn’t have any legs.”
She ain’t wrong.
Wonder what happened to the gecko and his poor legs.
Lock up your mothers because I want to dance.
Haunting.
Now, the entry from everyone’s favorite tax haven,
the United Kingdom.
Didn’t we vote no to Eurovision?
Wasn’t Boris going to get us out of Eurovision or something?
If you haven’t heard of Pete & Bas, the UK’s geriatric drillers,
you should get to know.
In this song, we’ll hear about
how they used to drive a Peugot with dents in it,
but now, due to the vast amounts of money that they earned,
they drive Range Rovers.
Cooking with Stella is not advised.
Downing a Stella with an egg yolk in it,
also not advised.
And that was Pete & Bas reminding everybody that
it doesn’t matter if you’re 80, you can still be UK drill artists
who love lager.
Salute.
And next up we’ve got a meme
who was transformed into a boy, Joost.
Just a tip,
he’s very mischievous.
At the start here, you can see that he’s saying,
“Suck my ****, ****.”
Which thousands are agreeing with,
and we aren’t one of those thousands.
Put it away. Joost.
Why are you wearing a bandana like that, Joost?
God, he really is quite incorrigible.
And that’s it, ladies and gentlemen,
some purefire bangers from across this great continent.
So the polls, I’m being told, are now open.
Where you can vote to discover once and for all,
the best song in Europe.
We’ll be back shortly to showcase
some live performances from our contestants,
and ultimately announce the winner.
Auf wiedersehen, ciao, and goodbye, folks!
Thanks for joining us.
À bientôt as well.
And the other one, salute.